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Bible Study Guide

By Ray Blessinemail Ray Blessin
Formatted and augmented by Roedy Greenemail Roedy Green
HTML (Hypertext Markup Language) links by  Darwin Bedfordemail Darwin Bedford
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 to heterosexuals. This doesn’t mean God doesn’t love heterosexuals, it’s just that they need more supervision.
~ Lynn Lavner a lesbian comic
Introduction II Kings Hosea Mark Philemon
Search I Chronicles Joel Luke Hebrews
Other Translations II Chronicles Amos John James
Questions Ezra Obadiah Acts I Peter
OLD TESTAMENT Nehemiah Jonah Romans II Peter
Genesis Esther Micah I Corinthians I John
Exodus Job Nahum II Corinthians II John
Leviticus Psalms Habakkuk Galatians III John
Numbers Proverbs Zephaniah Ephesians Jude
Deuteronomy Ecclesiastes Haggai Philippians Revelation
Joshua Song of Songs Zechariah Colossians What is Not in the Bible
Judges Isaiah Malachi I Thessalonians Videos
Ruth Jeremiah II Thessalonians Links
I Samuel Lamentations I Timothy
II Samuel Ezekiel NEW TESTAMENT II Timothy
I Kings Daniel Matthew Titus


The King James version of the Holy Bible is one of the most revered documents on the planet. It is used as an infallible guide for moral guidance. It has a stupendous reputation.

The Bible contains some of the most sublime poetry in the English language, such as the Psalms, Isaiah’s swords into ploughshares prophesy Isaiah 2:4, the Sermon on the Mount Matthew 5:1 and St. Paul’s exposition on love I Corinthians 13:2.

Unfortunately, the Bible, particularly the Old Testament is quite overrated. Its reputation depends on people not actually reading it for themselves and discovering what utter silliness comprises the bulk of it.

I invite you to look for yourself and judge. Here is a guide to the key, unexpected, picturesque, bizarre and humourous parts of the Bible. Most of the bible is just deadly dull and irrelevant, highly unlikely the work of an author with infinite intelligence.

I take potshots at the silliest parts of it in my Noah essay and point out numerous oopsies, inconsistencies that just could not be present if the Bible were truly inerrant.

The summaries are a bit tongue in cheek. To see the actual corresponding Biblical verses click in the where column to see for yourself what the Bible says with as much context as you want.

The most lunatic parts of the Bible are in the Old Testament’s  Leviticus and Deuteronomy. The most sublime in the New Testament’s Gospel According to  Matthew.

Search King James Bible

To search The King James bible for an exact phrase, enter it in quotes, e.g. "hand of the poor and needy"

To search for words used together in a chapter, enter the words without quotes e.g. wrestled angel Jacob

Alternate Translations

The references here are all to the traditional King James Bible. You can also view the ESV (English Standard Version) modern translation.

(e.g., John 1 or God’s love)

For other translations, see or better for the visually impaired.

President Thomas Jefferson was so disturbed by this admixture of dross with the gold, he edited a condensed Bible with the dross removed.

Steve Wells has annotated the entire Bible from a skeptic’s point of view, pointing or errors and inconsistencies.

I have shown the traditional King James Version. Even when it was written, the authors used a deliberately archaic language to give it an aura of age and gravity. The nonsense in the Latin version is hard to notice.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.
~ Anonymous
One of the reasons for sticking with archaic language for the bible, is that when you translate it into modern English the silliness is even more obvious.


Old Testament
Click for Text
What you will find
1:5 God creates light and dark on the first day, then evening and morning on the third day, then created the sun, moon and stars on the fourth day. God seems somewhat confused about the source of light. There are two creation accounts. This one was written second.
1:7 There a firmament (bowl) holding up an ocean in the sky. This is simply untrue.
1:14-19 Simultaneous solar and lunar eclipse, an astronomical impossibility.
1:15 The moon shines by its own light just like the sun. No it doesn’t. It shines by the reflected light of the sun. (The Qur’an got this right.)
1:25-27 God creates humans after the animals. This contradicts Genesis 2:18-19. It also says god creates the first male and female simultaneously. This contradicts Genesis 2:21.
1:26 Humans are the god Yahweh’s chosen species. They have the right to plunder the planet as they see fit and to enslave and torment all other species. That is probably not what the god Yahweh meant by giving dominion but that’s how Christians like James Gaius Watt and George W. Bush seem to interpret it.
1:27 So the god Yahweh created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. This seems to suggest the god Yahweh is a hermaphrodite. This reminds me of mini-me in the Austin Powers movies. Note that Yahweh creates Adam and Eve simultaneously, and perhaps some other people too. The bible later contradicts this in Genesis 2:21
1:28 The source of the notion of conquering and subduing nature.
1:29 The god Yahweh wants you to be a vegetarian.
2:18 God creates humans before the animals. This contradicts Genesis 1:25-27.
2:21 Yahweh creates Adam a companion out of his rib. This conflicts with Genesis 1:27.
3:1-5 Talking snake.
3:16 The god Yahweh inflicts childbirth pain punishing all females for Eve’s sin. Group punishment violates the Geneva conventions. In other words, the god Yahweh is a war criminal.
4:8 Brother killing brother
4:9 Am I my brother’s keeper?
5:2 It wasn’t Adam and Eve; it wasn’t Adam and Steve; it was Adam and Adam.
6:4 The god Yahweh had sex with the mothers of giants like Charles Barkley, Magic Johnson, André René Roussimoff, Wilt Chamberlain, Yao Ming, Leonid Stadnyk, Bao Xishun and Robert Pershing Wadlow, siring them, as he sired Jesus (who was not particularly tall).
6:7 The god Yahweh commits genocide and ecocide flooding the earth.
7:24 Noah stuck in the ark 150 days, of which 40 it rained. There was nowhere near enough room for all the animals and food for them.
7:23 The god Yahweh drowns every living thing on the planet.
8:22 As long as the earth endures, seed time and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, will never cease.
8:22 The god Yahweh promises never to destroy the world using lawyerly language. He later changes his mind in Revelation.
9:2 The Christian justification for animal cruelty and exploitation.
9:4 A dietary prohibition against eating blood. JWs (Jehovah’s Witnesses) interpret this to mean let your child die rather than give him a blood transfusion.
9:5-6 Whoso sheddeth man’s blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made the man. Some anti-abortionists have used these words to justify the killing of abortionists. As such, these words helped inspire Michael Griffin to kill Doctor David Gunn on 1993-03-10.
9:11-13 The god Yahweh promises Noah he will not destroy the world or all life by flood again. There may be natural floods, man-caused floods or other types of disaster.
9:25-27 Sons of Ham/Canaan = black people. Hence this justification for slavery and its legacy racism.
12:14-16 Abram pimps his wife
17:9-14 Genital mutilation mandated
18:21 Yahweh admits he is not omniscient after all. He needs to go on a fact-finding trip to see if Sodom and Gomorrha as are wicked as he has heard.
19:1-8 Rape virgins but not male angels. Male rape a hoax. It is based on a middle English pun.
19:8 Lot offers his virgin daughters to a mob
19:26 The god Yahweh turns Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt for taking a look over her shoulder at her burning city.
19:30-38 Daughters seduce their own father
21:14 Sending pregnant maid out of house
22:10 Abraham prepared to sacrifice his son Isaac, putting a knife to his son’s throat because he thought he heard the god Yahweh commanding him to. Not unlike George W. Bush slitting the throat of the world.
22:16 The god Yahweh swears an oath on himself, so help me, me.
24:2-3 Grope sexual organs of one swearing oaths
25:1-6 Keeping mistresses is not adultery
27:11 Jacob accuses his mother Rebekah of fooling around with the milkman because Esau his brother is an hairy man whilst he is a smooth man
29-30 Surrogate motherhood
30:37-39 Creationist genetics. Striped and spotted animals are created when the copulating parents view white stakes.
30:41-42 principle of artificial selection and the use of white branches. One of the few bits of science the bible almost got right.
32:25 The god Yahweh dislocates Jacob’s hip in a wrestling match
34:1-31 Brothers are riled when sister is defiled
35:22 Reuben sleeps with father’s concubine
38:8-10 The god Yahweh kills for practicing birth control. Onan spills his seed.
38:14-18 Tamar plays harlot to seduce father-in-law
39:7-14 Woman tries to rape man
43:42 It is an abomination to refuse to sit together at a meal.
46:1-4 Jacob heads off to Egypt ten years after his death. after death travel) click to watch
46:12 Perez sires two sons when he is two years old. father at two) click to watch
47:29 Joseph ordered to feel-up his father
49:20 Asher (Joseph’s brother betrayer) prophesied to shit out creampuffs.
1:22 Throwing all boy babies into the river
3:2 Strange as it sounds, a man was sentenced to three years in an American prison for making a reference to this verse.
4-11 If people are blind, deaf or dumb, it was Yahweh who did it.
4:18-31 God tries to murder Moses and fails, presumably because Moses failed to circumcise his son. One of Mose’s wives saves him with some magic. She performs an impromptu circumcision of her son with a rock. Apparently penis blood is Kryptonite to Yahweh.
7:3 The god Yahweh hardens Pharaoh’s heart to block him from freeing the Israelites, then uses Pharaoh’s reluctance as an excuse to visit plagues on everyone. That is the sort of behaviour of a crazed arch villain. Imagine any character in a movie behaving that way. They are twisted beyond redemption. This god Yahweh behaves far more like a devil than a god. The warning about corrupt fruit applies to gods too.
7:20 River of human blood
8:2 The god Yahweh deters illegal immigrants by throwing frogs.
11:4-5 Moses announces the slaughter of all first born in Egypt.
11:5 The god Yahweh kills all the firstborn sons, even of slave girls who had no part in oppressing the Israelites. Another war crime — group punishment.
12:29 The god Yahweh kills all first-born babies in Egypt and all the first-born cattle.
15:25 God shows Moses a magic tree that purifies water.
16:35 Moses and the Israelis allegedly take 40 years to navigate across the 321.87 km (200 miles) Sinai desert to get to the Promised Land. This is an average speed of 0.09 m/hr (3 feet/hr) slower than a snail.
20:3-17 The ten commandments. There are four variants of the ten commandments in the bible: Exodus 20:3-17 (the most popular), Exodus 34, Deuteronomy 5:7, Deuteronomy 10:4 (the only place the phrase ten commandments is used, but it does not list them), Deuteronomy 27.
17:14 Yahweh commands a man’s name be blotted from human memory by writing it into the bible. Yet there are people who believe this drooling idiot of a god is capable of creating an entire universe.
20:3-5 The god Yahweh punishes the children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great great-grandchildren of those who worship any other gods. Another group punishment war crime.
20:5 Make the innocent pay for four generations
20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s. Note that this is a thought crime and it lumps women as chattels. Christianity is always putting women down.
20:26 The god Yahweh insists on altar to prevent exposed nudity
21:2-6 You can pass your slaves onto you children, but you must free Hebrew slaves after 6 years. If a slave refuses to leave without his wife and children, the slavemaster must bore his ear through with an awl and keep him in perpetual slavery.
21:7 When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she will not be freed at the end of six years as the men are. A man can buy as many sex slaves as he wants as long as he feeds them, clothes them and screws them!
21:15 Put to death any child who strikes a parent.
21:20-21 On beating servants/slaves to death. It OK, so long as they survive at least two days afterwards.
21:22-25 Abortion. Killing of a fetus is a civil crime — an eye for a eye. Killing of the mother a capital crime. I would take that to mean the biblical view is that the fetus is not a person. Fundamentalists ignore these verses and take the opposite view.
22:18 Where Carie’s Mom got the idea to kill her daughter: Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.
22:19 Death is decreed for bestiality
22:29 You must sacrifice your first born to Yahweh on an altar.
23:10-11 Leaving fallow for the poor. The idea of empathy contained in the verse is even sufficiently broad to encompass wild animals.
30:15 Tithe is ½ shekel, same whether you are rich or poor, the way Republicans wanted it.
31:15 Anyone caught working on the sabbath must be put to death. Christians claim to believe this, but they flagrantly disobey, thank goodness.
32:27 The god Yahweh commands slaughter with swords, Jonestown cult style. He rewards with a great blessing for killing one’s own children.
34:7 Visiting the sins of the fathers to children unto the fourth generation
34:11-14 The god Yahweh commands the Israelites to commit ethnic cleansing.
34:13-28 The ten commandments that were on the two stone slabs are quite different from the traditional set.
34:14 The god of the entire universe admits to petty jealousy about human affection as his key characteristic: For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.
34:19-20 You must sacrifice your first born to Yahweh on an altar.
34:28 Moses claims he went 40 days without food or water. Terri Schiavo died after 13 days without water.
35:2 The god Yahweh commands killing people who work at 7-11, who work on ferries or who take tickets at theatres, or anyone who mows his lawn on Sunday or anyone else who works on a Sunday. The authors of the bible are stark raving bonkers. Even Christians would know that if they ever actually read their flipping bibles cover to cover. The Ten Commandments. There are four variants of the ten commandments in the bible: Exodus 20:3-17 (the most popular), Exodus 34, Deuteronomy 5:7, Deuteronomy 10:4 (the only place the phrase ten commandments is used, but it does not list them), Deuteronomy 27.
1:10 Planning a sacrifice to please the lord? Make sure you pick a male animal!
1:11 The god Yahweh wants goat’s blood sprayed around the altar in your local church. It might help cut down the attendance.
2:7 The god Yahweh likes his meat fried southern style.
2:15 The god Yahweh likes his meat seasoned with frankincense and salt.
3:16 The god Yahweh likes a high cholesterol diet.
4:6 Priests should dip their fingers in blood and draw on the altar.
4:11 The god Yahweh likes the smell of burning dung. Kinky!
5:7 The god Yahweh will let you off the hook when you have sinned if you give him two turtledoves and, presumably, a partridge in a pear tree.
5:15 The god Yahweh will let you off the hook when you have sinned in ignorance if you give him a perfect ram, or the equivalent in money. I wonder who actually eats the ram and spends the money?
7:18 It is an abomination to eat leftovers on the third day.
7:10 A dietary prohibition against eating blood. JWs interpret this to mean let your child die rather than give him a blood transfusion.
7:27 The god Yahweh commands you cast all Brits into exile because at some time, they have all eaten black blood sausage for breakfast.
8:7 Aaron wears a girdle.
11:7 No Bacon.
11:9-31 Lobster, hares, clams, shrimp, oysters, camel, rabbit, pork, swans, owls, eagles, ospreys, bats, dogs and snails are forbidden. Locusts and beetles, yummy!
11:20-23 The bible thinks flying insects have 4 legs. They have 6.
12:1-8 The god Yahweh decrees childbirth unclean One week for male children, two for female.
12:3 The god Yahweh demands genital mutilation
13:2-14:57 The god Yahweh forbids the use of antibiotics such as rifampicin, dapsone and clofazimine. The only permitted treatment is priestly magic. How the god Yahweh wants you to diagnose and treat leprosy.
14:2-11 Cure leprosy by dipping a live dove in dead dove blood. If that does not work, try a sheep. And the god Yahweh knows everything? He is a quack. Creationists tell me the bible is infallible and inerrant. Yet they know perfectly well this cure does work. How can they stand there with their faces hanging out and persist in a claim the bible is infallible?
14:43-53 Cure mold by dipping a live dove in dead dove blood (same as for leprosy).
15:16-18 Sperm & intercourse are unclean
15:19-33 Menstruation is unclean
15:29-30 Women make offering for sin of menstruation
16:10 Origin of the term scapegoat.
16:21 Goat acts in the rôle of father confessor.
17:4-6 Spraying blood all over the place
17:14 A dietary prohibition against eating blood. JWs interpret this to mean let your child die rather than give him a blood transfusion.
18:11-20 No uncovering nakedness, especially female nakedness. It is a property crime. Men may take as many wives and concubines as they like because adultery for men consists only in having sex with a woman who is married.
18:19 No sex during a woman’s period.
18:22 Homosexuality is an abomination. All gays to be killed. Literally And you will not put to sleep the male the woman’s naps abomination he is. One modern interpretation is it is not ok for men to take afternoon naps but it is ok for women to. Part of the confusion comes because the original Hebrew is not grammatically correct. You’d think the deity would be better at grammar. You might invoke the principle of reasonable doubt here on whether the deity wants all gays slaughtered. Why is it modern Christians so love this verse but ignore all the rest of this great stuff in Leviticus?
18:23 Much talk of bestiality
19:20 If you marry your brother’s wife, you will remain childless. This is not true. King Henry VIII married his brother’s wife Catherine of Aragon and had a daughter by her, Mary I.
19:20-22 No rounding off your hair or beard. You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard. Man forgiven, woman gets flogging
19:25 No eating fruit until the fifth year after a tree is planted
19:26 No blood drinking or eating, no tarot cards, no horoscopes
19:27 Square beards only
19:33-29:34 You must treat strangers in your land (aka immigrants) with absolute civility the same as you treat natives.
19:28 No tattoos or piercings (They must have had them that far back to prohibit them)
29:6 No fortune cookies
20:10 The god Yahweh commands death to adulterers, both male and female. Oddly Christian spit in the face of their god Yahweh and suffer straying TV evangelists to live. Why do they ignore this commandment and cherry pick others from surrounding verses to obey?
20:13 The god Yahweh commands more death to homosexuals. Literally And a man who will lie down the man the woman’s naps abomination he does both-of-them death he will die their blood in them. Clarity is not one of the deity’s major virtues. It’s almost as if the god Yahweh said Plant your rutabagas in a straight row. and the overeager Christians took it to mean Kill all the homosexuals. It is worthy of Monty Python. Christians love this verse because it gives them an excuse to persecute homosexuals, even murder them, but ignore all the others in Leviticus.
20:14 Sex with both wife and her mother? All burn to death
20:15-16 Death for bestiality (including the poor beast)
20:18 The god Yahweh demands exile of both man and wife for having sex while she is having her period.
20:24 The god Yahweh kicks off the Arab-Israeli conflict by promising the lands then occupied by Arabs to the Israelites.
20:27 Wizards to be killed with rocks
21:9 The god Yahweh commands that prostitutes be burned to death if their fathers are priests.
21:11 no necrophilia
21:14 Only virgins may marry, no widows, divorced or loose women.
21:18-21 Dwarves, men with flat noses, those who have damaged testicles or six fingers are not welcome in church. By extension, if you wear glasses or had a cataract operation, you are not welcome in church.
23:6 The god Yahweh recommends a yeast free diet.
23:30 The god Yahweh will destroy you if you mow the lawn on Saturday.
23:32 The Sabbath isn’t Sunday (as the Christians believe) or Saturday (as the Jews believe), or Friday (as the Moslems believe), but the 9th of the month.
23:32 The sabbath is not the 9th after all, but July 15th and 22nd.
24:16 Stoning to death for blasphemy, namely to speak in a less than reverent way about the god Yahweh. Why is he so sensitive? You’d the alleged creator of the universe would have a thicker skin.
24:17-20 An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
25:4 Every seven years let all your lands lie fallow. What do you eat that year?
25:10 Every fifty years, call a Jubilee with massive wealth redistribution.
25:44-45 Buy yourself a bunch of slaves. It is perfectly OK, so long as they are foreigners.
26:7-9 The god Yahweh commands the Israelites to commit ethnic cleansing yet again.
26:15-16 Horrible punishment for disobeying
26:22 Yahweh promises to send dangerous animals to kill children
26:29 A curse: Cannibalize your sons and daughters
27:2-4 Men are worth 50 shekels, women 30 shekels.
27:28-29 You must sacrifice your first born to Yahweh on an altar.
2:26-35 The god Yahweh commands the Israelites to commit ethnic cleansing against the land of Hesbon.
3:4 God kills two men for offering him strange fire (incense he does not like).
3:13 You must sacrifice your first born to Yahweh on an altar.
5:11-31 Fidelity test for women only — men? No problem. A husband can demand the test without any evidence of infidelity. The test requires divine intervention and god gives the woman an abortion as part of the test by making her drink a poison. If she dies, or if the fetus aborts, or if she becomes barren, she was guilty of adultery. If she survives and is fertile, she was innocent. The key to understanding this is that the word thigh in the bible is often a euphemism for genitals.
5:20-27 bitter water to trigger an abortion is when infidelity test
3:13 Yahweh demands human sacrifice of all first born.
15:32-36 Moses commands a man gathering firewood on the Sabbath to be stoned to death.
16:33 The god Yahweh swallows up huge crowd in earthquake
16:35 The god Yahweh burns alive 250 men for offering incense
21:2-3 The god Yahweh commands the Israelites to commit ethnic cleansing against the city of Hormah.
21:4-6 People ask for bread and water. Yahweh sends venomous snakes to kill them for their impudence.
21:33-35 The god Yahweh commands the Israelites to commit ethnic cleansing against the land of Bashon.
22:28-30 Move over Mr. Ed, here is a talking donkey/ass. Balaam is not in the least surprised, just as in a children’s story.
23:24 Drinking the blood of the murdered
25:1-9 He sets a plague upon the Israelites, killing twenty-four thousand because some of them had an orgy with the Baal-worshiping Midianites in Shittem. Yet another group punishment war crime. He also impales.
25:4 The god Yahweh says hang severed heads in front of him
31:9 Kidnapping women and children. Taking children as sex slaves.
31:17-18 Kill all the men, women and male children. Rape the female virgins.
31:25-30 human sacrifice: Yahweh commands 32 people be burnt alive as offerings along with an assortment of animals.
31:37-39 Yahweh demands massive animal sacrifices. (Who does he think he is, a volcano god?)
31:40 Yahweh demands 16,000 human sacrifices. Where does anyone get off claiming the bible is a moral guide?
33:53 The god Yahweh commands theft of others’ land.
Deuteronomy The old testament prophet named after the grumpy old character in the Cats musical.
1:13 Kill anyone who demonstrates an alternative truth to the bible.
2:30 In order to ensure their complete extermination, the god Yahweh thwarts the free will of the victims by hardening their hearts so they do not sue for peace.
2:33-35 The god Yahweh demands killing of women, children, theft of land, theft of cattle.
3:6 Wide-spread genocide, men, women and children.
5:7 Yet another variation on the ten commandments. There are four variants of the ten commandments in the bible: Exodus 20:3-17 (the most popular), Exodus 34, Deuteronomy 5:7, Deuteronomy 10:4 (the only place the phrase ten commandments is used, but it does not list them), Deuteronomy 27.
7:1 How to be gracious in victory.
7:2 The god Yahweh commands the Israelites to show their victims no mercy.
7:6 Jews are the god Yahweh’s chosen people.
7:16 Kill everyone who is not a Jew.
7:25 It is an abomination to own a statue of the Buddha.
12:2 ecological war — burning down all trees in addition to the usual scorched earth policy.
12:23 A dietary prohibition against eating blood. JWs interpret this to mean let your child die rather than give him a blood transfusion.
13:1-5 If anyone in another religion performs a miracle, you must kill them. If anyone tempts you to investigate another religion, even a relative, you must kill them.
13:6-10 If someone invites you to join their religion, you must kill them.
13:7-11 If your child takes in interest in some other religions, you must kill them without mercy.
13:13-17 Kill entire villages if they contain even one person of some other religion. And Christians think Muslims are intolerant.
13:19 choose life The phrase Al Gore chose for his Nobel prize acceptance speech.
14:21 You shall not boil a young goat in its mother’s milk.
15:12 Buying slaves again
16:21 The god Yahweh is into Feng Shui. He hates trees.
16:22 The god Yahweh hates Kodak.
17:2-5 Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, atheist? Stone them to death! The Christian bible is even less tolerant than the Muslim Qur’an.
17:10-13 Are you too squeamish to stone people do death? You must be stoned too! Funny so many Christians overlooked this verse when searching for justification for tormenting gay people.
18:21 The 100% rule. Definition of a false prophet. How you know Hinn, Robertson et al are official false prophets.
20:14 The god Yahweh commands theft again. With a crooked thief of a god like this, no wonder the Jews feel no guilt about pushing the Palestinians off their lands and the Americans feel free to take any other country’s oil.
20:16-17 The god Yahweh commands the Israelites to not leave alive anything that breathes.
21:1-9 If someone is murdered, sacrifice a cow. I am not sure if this is supposed to help find the culprit.
21:10-14 Captured women may be raped or treated like trial wives. Don’t like her? Kick her out. Shave her head, pare her nails, imprison her a month while she cries her eyes out over her family you killed, then go in and rape her. Christian family values.
21:15-17 God condones bigamy, just as the Mormons claimed. God gives rules for having two wives, one loved and one hated.
21:18-21 Stone to death any child who disobeys his parents.
22:5 no wearing garments of the opposite sex
22:9 You may not grow more than one species of crop in a field. If you do, everything grown in the field is defiled.
22:11 No garments of mixed fibres, particularly wool and linen.
22:13-21 A bride who is not a virgin must be killed with stones.
22:23-26 If an unmarried woman has sex, both she and the man shall be killed by stoning them to death. However, the damsel is excused if she is betrothed and sex occurred in a field.
22:28-29 If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her and he will never be allowed to divorce her.
23:1 A man with injured testicles, or a severed penis cannot be in the congregation
23:2 Bastard children condemned to hell for 10 generations. None of them are allowed to join in worship and are condemned to hell even though none of them had anything at all to do with the sin.
23:12-14 Cover your feces with a shovel so the Lord won’t walk in it
23:18 It is an abomination to mention the price of a dog in church.
23:19 No usury, accepting interest on loans. Muslims still obey this commandment. Jews use the loophole that usury only applies to loans to your brother, not a stranger.
23:20 Usury ok, if with strangers.
23:23 You must keep your promises.
24:1 A man who wants a divorce, need only kick her out of the house
24:4 It is an abomination to marry a divorced woman.
25:5-10 A woman spits in the face of her dead husband’s brother
25:11-12 A woman trying to stop someone attacking her husband by grabbing his balls must have her hand cut off.
27:15 It is an abomination to secretly cast plaster figurines.
27:19 It is an abomination to treat sojourners (immigrants) less the perfectly civilly.
28:18 Your children will be cursed
28:27 A sinner is punished with hemorrhoids, scabs & death
28:30 Another curse: Another man has sex with your wife before you do
28:53-57 A cannibalism curse: Eat your own flesh and the flesh of your own children. A ghastly description of what it is like to starve in a siege.
32:39-42 I kill… I wound… I will make my arrows drunk with blood and my sword shall devour flesh.
1:6 The god Yahweh commands theft of land and property he promised to others.
1:12 The god Yahweh commands the Israelites to commit ethnic cleansing against the Canaanites, Hittites, Hittites, Perizzites, Girgashites, Amorites and Jebusites and theft of land and property.
5:2-8 The god Yahweh commands massive genital mutilation. A hill of foreskins
6:2 The god Yahweh grants Joshua the divine right to conquer and destroy Jericho. I wonder if that same god Yahweh gave Hitler the divine right to conquer and destroy Poland?
6:19 The god Yahweh grants Joshua the right to confiscate all the silver, gold brass and iron of Jericho. I wonder if he gave similar rights to the Americans to plunder the Iraqi antiquities?
6:20 After seven days of much blowing of rams’ horns and trumpets, the walls of Jericho magically fall down flat as predicted. By modern standards, Joshua is a war criminal. However, Yahweh encouraged him.
6:21 More scorched earth, killing both man and woman, young and your, ox and sheep and ass. So much for being able to trust the god Yahweh to protect the innocent. He is the lunatic demanding blood.
8:25 Slaughter an entire town of 12,000.
10:13 Joshua makes the sun stand still (earth stop rotating?) for a day with a little help from the god Yahweh, releasing the energy of uncounted hydrogen bombs, all without any damage.
10:28-43 Yahweh orders scorched earth policy.
11:6 The god Yahweh commands horses tortured.
11:14 The god Yahweh commands theft.
11:20 In order to ensure their complete extermination, the god Yahweh thwarts the free will of the victims by hardening their hearts so they do not sue for peace.
3:20-22 Ehud sticks a knife in Eglon, the fat king’s gut and dirt/shit comes out. Yahweh approves of this assassination.
4:6 Barak is a biblical name.
4:21 A woman kills a sleeping man by driving a tent stake into his temple, nailing him to the ground.
8:7 Gideon threatens to tear flesh with thorns and briers. This is the same Gideon after which motel bibles are named. Gideon murdered thousands of people, tortured and plundered the bodies of his victims.
8:30 Gideon had 70 sons from so many wives, he forgot how many
9:13 Talking grape vines.
11:13 land grab
11:29-49 Jephthah burns his daughter alive in a human sacrifice commanded by Yahweh.
11:31-33 more scorched earth policy.
12:5-6 Man murdered for his poor pronunciation of Shibboleth.
14:9 Repetition of the old Greek myth that bees spontaneously generate in the carcasses of and bulls.
15:2 A father gives his daughter away
15:12 Samson kills 1000 men with the jawbone of a donkey.
19:23 Man offers his virgin daughter and concubine to be raped. They gang bang all night.
19:29 concubine is gang raped and then as punishment for being raped, cut into twelve pieces and mailed one piece to all the tribes of Israel.
20:21 More genocide and group punishment. The god Yahweh tells eleven tribes of Israel to nearly exterminate the twelfth tribe, the Benjamites because a few of them raped and killed a Levite’s concubine. The resulting bloodbath takes the lives of 40,000 Israelites and 25,100 Benjamites.
21:6-25 400 virgins captured for wives during huge slaughter
3:6-9 Ruth seduces Boaz to force him to marry her
4:9-10 Boaz then buys Ruth
I Samuel  
5:9-12 Philistines cursed with hemorrhoids for stealing ark
6:4 Sacrifice to Yahweh of five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice.
6:19 The god Yahweh murders 50,070 men. He was angry that a few men looked into his ark that had mysteriously appeared on a cart drawn by cows.
15:2-3 The god Yahweh commands a scorched earth policy: slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. Total genocide of the Amalekites. God later punishes Saul for allowing some sheep, cattle and the king to live. Why? The Amalekites had dared to fight with God’s apples — the Israelites.
15:3 The god Yahweh orders another slaughter, all including suckling babes
15:33 Samuel chops a woman to pieces before the god Yahweh
18:1-4 Jonathan pledges his intense love for David and strips naked.
18:21 same-sex, group marriage.
18:23-27 David slices off foreskins of 200 men to win king’s daughter
25:22-34 Much pissing against a wall
II Samuel  
3:7 The mischievous Abner messes with father Saul’s concubine
4:12 David commands much chopping off of hands, feet and head
5:8 Reviling the lame and the blind
5:13 David has many wives and mistresses
10:4 shaving of half of each envoy’s beard and cutting off garments at the buttocks
11:1-27 Uriah is killed so David can have his wife.
12:7-12 Obscene performance to be viewed by all of Israel.
12:14-18 The god Yahweh murders an innocent child, to punish David for what he did to Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband.
12:24 The god Yahweh approves of David arranging the death of Bathsheba’s husband so that he could have sex with her. Ok, so technically it wasn’t adultery. Dear old god Yahweh can’t make up his mind on how he feels about murder.
13:10-14 incest. Amnon feigns illness in order to rape his own sister
16:20-23 Absalom has sex with father’s concubines for all to see
18:9 slapstick. Absalom was riding a mule. He got his hair caught in the branches of an oak tree. The mule kept walking, leaving him dangling.
20:3 David imprisons 10 of his concubines for life after feeding them.
20:9 Joab tried to kiss Amasa. Ends badly.
21:1 The god Yahweh lays a three-year famine on David’s people for Saul’s slaughter of the Gibeonites. Another group punishment war crime. The god Yahweh recommends sacrificing one’s children in return for lifting the famine. This is something you would expect from an Aztec god. Christians pretend not to notice that their god is just that sort of blood-thirsty sadist too.
21:8-9 King David offers a human hanging sacrifice of 7 of Saul’s sons to end a famine.
24:10-15 The god Yahweh orders David to take a census of his men and then sends a plague on Israel, killing seventy thousand for David’s sin in taking the census. The god Yahweh’s behaviour can only be described as psychotic and sadistic. He is clearly not a god. He is a devil.
24:15 The god Yahweh murders 70,000 for the sin of one
I Kings  
1:1-4 A sexy virgin is unable to revive the king
2:24-25 Hiring a man to commit murder
6:26-29 Woman cannibalises her son.
7:23 Bible claims Π is 3.0 not 3.1414…
11:1-10 Solomon has 700 wives 300 concubines but still is not happy
14:10 Pissing against the wall not good
15:16-22 plundering and extortion
15:23 Asa sleeps with his multiple fathers.
16:11 Pissing against the wall not good, in case you did not get it the first time.
20:20 Mass slaughter
II Kings  
2:23-24 The god Yahweh has bears tear 42 kids to pieces for teasing a bald guy
3:26 The god Yahweh recommends sacrificing one’s children in return for his aid in battle.
3:27 King of Moab burns his own son alive
5:27 Cursing with leprosy for all future generations
6:24-33 Boiling and eating babies
6:29 A woman boils and eats her own son
8:12 Ripping open wombs of pregnant women.
9:8 More pissing against the wall
9:33 Throw a woman from a building — blood sprays all over
9:37 The god Yahweh commands feeding a corpse to the dogs.
10:7 Chop off the heads of 70 people and put the heads in baskets
10:11 Murder of a whole family
14:5 Revenge murder of servants/slaves
15:16 Ripping open pregnant women
17:17 Making sons and daughters walk through fire
17:25 Yahweh sends lions to eat non-believers
18:27 Eating of dung and drinking of piss
19:35 Angel of the Lord murders 185,000 Assyrians
20:7 Healing boils with a lump of figs
23:7 Gay whorehouses destroyed
I Chronicles  
2:10-44 Endless begats. Why did the god Yahweh think this was important?
16:30 Flat unmoving earth.
21:12 The god Yahweh sends three years of famine to punish King David.
21:14 The god Yahweh sends a pestilence killing 70,000.
II Chronicles  
14:9 The god Yahweh kills 1,000,000 Ethiopians. The Klu Klux clan uses this verse to justify persecuting blacks.
11:21 King has 18 wives, 60 mistresses resulting in 88 children
13:15-29 The god Yahweh helps Elijah kill half a million Israelites.
14:8-13 The god Yahweh helps Asa kill a million Cushites, so his men can plunder all their property. This god has no concept of moral principles whatsoever. He is as amoral an Genghis Khan.
18:22 God implants a lying spirit in the prophets who wrote the bible.
21:4 Jehoram murders all of his brothers
24:12 Prisoners of war may be tossed off a cliff
26 Yahweh smotes king with leprosy for burning incense.
28:8 Israelites kidnap 200,000 women & children in looting spree
6:11 Punishment: homes converted to outhouses.
7:8-45 More contributions from Sesame Street’s Count von Count
2:1-23 Sexual contest to decide new queen
2:12 Purifying virgins for the king
7:8 Man impaled on 50 cubit 22.86 metres (25 yards) pole
9:6 Earth rests on pillars. Surely Yahweh knows that is not so. The author of the bible thinks it does. Therefore Yahweh is not the author the bible.
21:24 Manmilk
7:11 God is angry everyone because everyone has sinned.
15:5 no usury (charging interest)
18:43 Enslave non-believers!
33:2 The god Yahweh likes loud improvised harp music. How would anyone know this?
68:21-23 Dogs drink human blood. The foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Do I detect a slight inconsistency with Love Thy Enemies?
82:3 Judge the poor fairly.
82:6 Ye are gods.
93:1 Flat unmoving earth.
104:5 Flat unmoving earth.
109:7-10 The god Yahweh commands orphans be abandoned
137:1 The god Yahweh likes reggae
137:9 Happy shall a man be, that dashes babies on rocks
139:16 There is no free will because god knows what will happen to you on every day of your life. This demolishes the theodicy free-will argument for why their is evil — blame it all on humans and free-will. It also says you have an unformed body before you become a human. This implies Christians believe life begins some time after conception.
148:4 The bible thinks the sky is a crystal dome, above which is water contiguous with the oceans on a flat earth.
149:7 Execute vengeance on non-believers and punish all the people. You’d think the alleged creator of the universe could come up with a more convincing argument for his existence that idle threats.
3:13 Happy is the man that findeth wisdom. The text of the hymn composed for Darwin’s funeral.
3:32 It is an abomination to be stubborn or rebellious.
6:16-19 It is an abomination to be proud, to have haughty eyes, to lie, to shed innocent blood, to have wicked imagination, to be mischievous, to bear false witness, to lie or to sow discord.
8:7 It is an abomination to be wicked.
11:1 It is an abomination to own an inaccurate scale.
12:22 It is an abomination to lie. This includes telling lies to defend creationism.
13:11 Money won by gambling will just fritter away.
14:31 Anyone who oppresses the poor is insulting God who made them. To help the poor is to honor God, hardly modern day Christian sentiments.
13:24 Beat your son with a rod if you love him.
15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath.
15:25 It is an abomination to have wicked thoughts.
16:5 It is an abomination to be proud.
17:15 It is an abomination to justify the wicked or condemn the just.
18:7 The bible being uncharacteristically reasonable.
20:30 Beat your son with a rod if you love him. The wounds must be blue and there must be wound stripes on the belly.
22:9 Happy is the generous man, the one who feeds the poor.
22:16 What the god Yahweh thinks of Bush’s tax holiday for the wealthy:
He who oppresses the poor to increase his riches and he who gives to the rich, will surely come to poverty.
23:13-14 Spare the rod and spoil the child. Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
Thou shalt beat him with the rod and shalt deliver his soul from hell.
28:9 It is an abomination to pray without learning the law first.
28:27 He who gives to the poor will never want, but he who shuts his eyes will have many curses. If you give to the poor, your needs will be supplied, but a curse upon those who close their eyes to poverty. Most modern day Christians would reject this teaching.
29:7 The bible being uncharacteristically reasonable.
3:19 Ecclesiastes echoes Darwin in that men are just a type of animal.
4:9-12 Two are better than one.
7:26 And Christian bigots love to scorn Muslims for the have a low opinion they have of women: And I find more bitter than death the woman, whose heart is snares and nets and her hands as bands: whoso pleaseth God shall escape from her; but the sinner shall be taken by her.
9:10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.
11:8 Ecclesiastes has no expectation of an afterlife.
12:13 Your primary duty is to fear god.
13:3 And also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.. This suggests it is wrong to economically exploit another a most un Republican thought.
Song of Songs aka Song of Solomon
2:12 voice of the turtle is heard in our land I find this one of the most pleasing phrases in the entire bible.
5:4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door and my bowels were moved for him: the god Yahweh’s constipation cure. Gross!
7:1 How beautiful are thy feet with shoes: Shoe fetish.
7:8 the smell of thy nose like apples: nose sniffing.
1:11 The god Yahweh decides he does not like animal sacrifices after all.
1:13 It is an abomination to burn incense in church.
1:22 Lite beer really ticks the god Yahweh off, according to the New World Translation, lite wine according to King James.
1:29 The god Yahweh disapproves of tree hugging.
2:4 Swords into ploughshares prophesy, the most beautiful verse in the Old Testament:
And he shall judge among the nations and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.
3:16 The god Yahweh commands children to be dashed to pieces before the eyes of their parents and women raped. Is this the god Yahweh or some military dictator in Darfur?
3:16 Daughters of Zion strut their stuff and the Lord gets a good look, then takes revenge. Neck-stretching while walking is wicked.
7:15 Baby Jesus prophesied to live on butter and honey. It has the same effect as munching on Eve’s apple.
9:20 Men shall eat the flesh of their own arms
11:6 Lions lying with lambs.
13:16 Children smashed to pieces, houses wrecked and wives raped. Yahweh stirs up the Medes to do this for the sheer pleasure of it. Our god is a loving god.
14:12 Only place Lucifer is mentioned.
14:21-22 Children slaughtered for their father’s iniquities
14:23 If you don’t behave, the porcupines will get you. (New World Translation).
16:11 The god Yahweh’s farting sounds like a harp
19:1 The god Yahweh travels by swift cloud. How can the god Yahweh travel if the god Yahweh is omnipresent?
23:15 Prophesy that Tyre will be utterly razed. It is still going strong.
26:18 The god Yahweh punishes with gas so bad it feels like labour pains.
27:1-3 The god Yahweh plans to nuke the whales.
33:15 The politicians’ verse. Despise the gain of oppression; wave away a bribe instead of accepting it.
34:3 After huge slaughter, stinking human carcasses & rivers of blood
34:6 The Lord’s sword is full of the blood of large scale slaughter
36:12 Folks sitting on a wall eat their own dung and drink their own piss
45:7 the god Yahweh admits He creates evil. I make peace and creative evil. Strict monotheism pretty well demands the only god is responsible for both good and evil. Even when a devil(s) is responsible for evil, the god must have created the devil(s).
49:15-16 Mother Theresa’s justification for making abortion illegal and also Sarah Palin’s excuse for writing notes on her hand: the god Yahweh did it too.
53:2 Jesus was ugly.
57:8 Penis beheld. New World Translation. Censored out of King James version.
58:7 Feed the hungry, clothe the naked.
58:10-11 Your obligation to the poor.
59:5 Snake eggs are fatally poisonous.
60:16 Sucking manmilk and gentile milk.
64:8 The god Yahweh is the potter. You are the clay.
65:25 New IAMS lamb and wolf chow, vegetarian lion chow and snake chow made from dirt.
66:17 It is an abomination to eat pork.
1:5 Yahweh says that he knew Jeremiah even before his conception. This implies Christians believe life begins before conception.
4:4 Mutilate your own genitals
8:12 It is an abomination to call for peace.
9:19 Yahweh forces people to cannibalise their sons, daughters and friends.
15:10 no usury (charging interest)
16:4 Horrible deaths with human bodies left for vultures and scavengers
19:9 Eat the flesh of family and friends
20:14-18 It is better to be aborted than live unhappy or wicked life (Pro-choice?)
22:3 The bible being uncharacteristically reasonable.
48:10 A curse on him who is lax in doing the Lord’s work! A curse on him who keeps his sword from bloodshed. And Christians think Islam is bloodthirsty.
3:1-20 Yahweh mercilessly torments a man.
1:4 Nuclear war description: And I looked and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud and a fire infolding itself and a brightness was about it and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.
4:4-5 Yahweh ties Ezekiel up with ropes and forces him to lie on his left side for 390 days. Kinky.
4:12-15 The god Yahweh says, eat bread cooked over human dung
5:10 Fathers eat their sons and sons eat their fathers
6:11 Everyone who commits and abomination is killed.
7:27 Watch out Rush! According to their way, I will deal with them; according to their own judgments I will judge them.
8:2-4 The god Yahweh gives folks a look at his loins
9:6 The god Yahweh says slaughter all women, children and babies but not men. Our god is a loving god.
9:15-16 Kill everyone, including the elderly and infants.
16:15 Filthiness and fornication pours out
16:49 Sodomy is not homosexuality after all as the religious right tell us; it is, surprise, something that sounds suspiciously like modern Republicanism i.e. a combination of four elements:
  1. pride
  2. gluttonous wealth
  3. idle wealth
  4. heedlessness to the plight of the poor
Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fullness of bread and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy.
~ Ezekiel 16:49
It is an abomination to charge interest on a loan.
20:25-26 Yahweh admits he gave humans laws they could not comply with so he would have an excuse to force them to human sacrifice.
23:1-40 A grizzly tale of two sisters who were very busy whores
23:20 Men with penises like donkeys and who ejaculate like horses
29:7-8 The god Yahweh performs bloody castration with a sword
29:12 Prophesy that Egypt will be a desolate waste. It is still there.
37:1-15 Armies of zombies.
44:20 No long hair. You must keep your hair trimmed. c.f. Leviticus 19:20-22.
4:32 Screw the declaration of independence. Divine right of kings in the way to go.
5:5-6 writing on the wall
11:39 Weak evidence Jesus wants a 2-state solution for Israel before he comes back.
1:2-11 The god Yahweh commands Hosea to take a whore for his wife
2:1-15 More pornography and then some
8:7 For they have sown the wind and they shall reap the whirlwind.
9:15 Because of their evil deeds, God now hates Israel.
13:16 The people of Samaria must bear their guilt because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open. The God Yahweh is merciful, just? Get serious! This is a war crime — group punishment. It would be cowardly and reprehensible to worship such a petty and vile god.
3:2 Weak evidence Jesus wants a 2-state solution for Israel before he comes back.
5:24 But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an everflowing stream.
1:16 People who drink will be forgotten by history.
1:17 Jonah’s fish story about being inside a whale/fish/shark 3 days.
3:2-3 Chopping up, seasoning and eating human flesh
6:2-3 Curse on the rich, violent and liars.
  to come
3:3 The god Yahweh has horned hands.
3:4 The god Yahweh shoots hot coals out of his feet.
1:3 The god Yahweh is an animal abuser. He smites birds making them drop from the air to express his displeasure.
  to come
2:1 Ho ho ho. The god Yahweh believes in Santa Claus.
2:3 The god Yahweh will spread dung on your face
2:11 It is an abomination to marry outside the faith.
3:8 robbing god. Refusing to tithe (hand over 10% of your income to the local con artist) is equivalent to robbing god.
<<td>Only place the bible mentions the trinity: Father, the Word and the Holy Ghost. What? no Jesus?
New Testament
Where What you will find
1:1-17 One version of Jesus’s lineage. See also Luke 3:23-38
1:18 Mary impregnated by holy ghost. Yeah right!
1:23 Prophesys the messiah will be called Emmanuel. Yet Mary called her son Jesus. Christians pretend this prophesy was fulfilled.
2:16 Herod murders all the children under the age of 2 in Bethlehem
2:29 A star comes to rest over the place where Jesus lay. That means it could not have been more than say 30.48 metres (33.33 yards) above the ground. There is no celestial object that behaves like that. Oddly, nobody but Matthew noticed this star.
3:3 a voice crying in the wilderness
4:2-3 The first temptation of Christ. Jesus was not supposed to have any doubts that he was the son of God. He should not create food to reassure himself of his divinity.
4:5-6 The second temptation of Christ. You are not supposed to put the god Yahweh to any sort of test.
4:8-9 The third temptation of Christ. The explanation of why successful politicians are such dastardly people.
4:17 heaven is here and now, not pie in the sky after you die.
4:24 demonic possession.
5:1-48 Sermon on the Mount. The gold in the dross. The good stuff. The core of Jesus’s teaching. It appeared 300 years before Jesus’s birth in the Dead Sea scrolls. Christians are big on plagiarism.
5:9 Don’t let the Republicans fool you. The god Yahweh does not like war; He wants you to stand up for peace. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
5:15-16 Teach by example. Be like a blazing candle.
5:18 Jesus says don’t change the Bible no matter how crazy it sounds. For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. The entire old testament is still completely valid.
15:27 Racist Jesus refuses to cure non-Jewish daughter.
5:28 Lust in your heart is just as bad as actually committing adultery.
5:32 love thy neighbour
5:33-37 don’t swear oaths
5:38-39 Jesus rescinds an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
5:39 Jesus rejects Leviticus, suggests forgiveness instead. Turn the other cheek. Resist not evil. This is a strange teaching. It suggests letting the Bushes and Hitlers of the world get away with their crimes. It is counter to the conventional wisdom: All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
~ Edmund Burke (1729-01-12 1797-07-09 age:68)
5:40 If you lose a lawsuit, pay more than the judgment.
5:44 Love your enemies: the most ignored verse in the entire Bible.
5:54 The god Yahweh treats the just and unjust equally. He rains on both and shines on both.
6:2 Hypocrites trumpet their charitable acts. Don’t do that. But it ok to do good works in the expectation of rewards after death.
6:5-6 Jesus’s view on public prayer.
6:24 You cannot serve both the god Yahweh and Mammon.
6:28-30 Consider the lilies of the field. This sentiment is not true. The god Yahweh allows 28,000 people a day to die of hunger, no matter how hard they work. He does not automatically provide, at least not without everyone co-operating.
7:3 Motes and beams. Clean up your own act before criticising others.
7:7-8 Seek and ye shall find. Jesus promises to give you anything you pray for, no exceptions.
7:12 The Golden Rule. The familiar phrase do unto others appears nowhere in the Bible.
7:12-14 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction and many there be which go in thereat:
Because strait is the gate and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life and few there be that find it.
7:15 Beware the Angleys, Falwells and Robertsons. Beware the snake oil salesmen like Robison. False prophets are ravening wolves in sheep’s clothing.
7:16 By their fruits shall ye know them.
7:21 Baptism, being born again, calling out Jesus name, professing faith etc. will do you no good. Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
7:21-23 Not everyone who says to me, Lord, Lord will enter the kingdom of heaven. The George W. George W. Bush verse. There is no point in churchy activity if you also work evil. I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. You can’t escape the need for good works.
7:26 The foolishness of building your house on sand.
8:12 Much weeping and gnashing of teeth. For those without teeth, presumably teeth shall be provided .
8:27 Jesus and his disciples go out far a ride on the Sea of Galilee (actually a lake). Oddly, the largest fishing boats of the time could not have held 13 people. Then there was a mighty tempest which Jesus slept through. The catch is, it is just a medium-sized lake. It never generates storms.
8:30-32 Exorcism where devils move into swine who, lemming-like, perish in the sea.
9:17 new wine into old bottles
10:9-10 Jesus commands disciples to travel in poverty, somewhat less lavishly than modern cardinals. Do not carry cash, no gold, silver or brass or banknotes of any kind. You may own only one coat and no shoes. You may not use a walking stick.
10:14-16 Jesus will bury you in lava if you don’t buy his pitch. Talk about a frustrated evangelist.
10:15 If you don’t answer the door to evangelists, Jesus will fry you just like Sodom and Gomorrha.
10:16 wise as serpents, harmless as doves
10:26-33 marks the sparrow’as fall
10:34-36 Jesus opposes family values. Jesus brings not peace but war among family members. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
10:35-37 Jesus admits his mission is to make family members hate one another, so that they shall love him more than their kin. Consistency was never his strong suit. This is what Jim Jones did to break down family structure and persuade parents to harm their children.
10:37-39 You must love Jesus more than your family, and abandon your family to wander around as a homeless beggar if you want to be considered worthy of Jesus. Almost no American Christians qualify.
11:27 Jesus claims that nobody knows god, except him, not even Moses, Abraham, Noah… Is Jesus’s god a different god from Yahweh?
11:28 MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) Reverend Sirico’s favourite verse. Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. The idea is Jesus welcomes everyone, including gays, straights, sinners, transsexuals…
A house divided cannot stand.
~ Abraham Lincoln (1809-02-12 1865-04-15 age:56)

is a paraphrase of
And Jesus knew their thoughts and said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand:
12:48 Jesus rejects the nuclear family as having value. What counts are the people in your church congregation.
13:3-8 Parable about prosletysing as throwing seed on various types of ground.
13:13 For whosoever hath, to him shall be given and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Supply side Jesus explains Republican positive-feedback economic theory — the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
13:22 If you can make sense of a spiritual teaching, you can enrich the world a hundredfold over what you were given.
13:40-42 Angels gather all & sundry to burn in fiery hell.
15:4-7 The rod is not enough for children who curse their parents; they must be killed
14:10-11 John’s head is chopped off.
15:1-7 Jesus chastises for failing to murder disobedient children.
16:19 The earthly church has the power to send you to hell if they don’t like you.
16:23 Get thee behind me Satan.
16:26 It is pointless to sell your soul even if you gain the whole world.
16:27 Faith without works won’t get you anywhere. Don’t count on grace.
17:20 Faith moves mountain.
18:6 Don’t you dare interfere with the Christian brainwashing of children. Jesus promised to punish those who harm children, but only if they are Christians.
18:8 Chop off your own hand and foot. Alex Kolansky, a Canadian eccentric, on reading this verse cut off his own hand. It had offended him by masturbating him.
18:9 Good Thing™ for Mr. Kolansky he did not have a Playboy in his bush cabin.
18:12 Sweat the small stuff. The important stuff will take care of itself.
18:19-20 Jesus’s big broken promise, 100% effective prayer. That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. Jesus promises to answer all prayers, not just the ones God thinks wise or the prayers of the virtuous. This is a lie since obviously Jesus never answers prayers and even if you count coincidences you would have got anyway, Jesus nearly always refuses. See also Mark 11:24, Matthew 7:7, Matthew 21:22, Luke 11:13, John 14:13-14, John 15:7, John 16:23, I John 5:14-15.
18:25 Whole family sold to pay debt
18:34 Torture for unpaid bills
19:3-9 Divorcees, except men who divorce sexually immoral women, who remarry are adulterers.
19:12 Castrate yourself for Jesus. Eunuchs cut off their balls to please god.
19:21 To be perfect, sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor.
19:24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
19:19 love thy neighbour
19:22 love thy neighbour
19:29 Jesus promises salvation to those who will abandon their families and children. So much for Christian family values.
20:9 The eleventh hour
21:5 Jesus does an Annie Oakley, riding two asses at once.
21:13 a den of thieves
21:19 Curses a fig tree for not producing in the off season
22:12-13 More weeping and gnashing of teeth, this time for failing to show up in formal attire for a wedding.
22:21 Pay your taxes!
23:5 What Jesus thinks of ecclesiastic fashion shows.
23:14 The Republican verse: Hypocrites! Stop oppressing widows and wasting your time on long prayers.
23:24 Straining at gnats and swallowing camels.
23:25 Cleaning the inside and outside of a cup. Not just appearances matter.
23:33 Everybody’s damned. Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?
24:34 Jesus claims impressive stuff including his return will happen within a generation. He did not show. Christians squirm to discount this verse.
24:36 Nobody knows the day or hour when Jesus will return and destroy the earth. This did not stop con men like Harold Camping from claiming to know it was next Tuesday.
24:37 Another global flood threat to punish those skeptical of Jesus’s claims. Could you imagine what he would have been like as a shoe salesman?
24:40 The rapture. The good are levitated into the air.
24:42 No one knows when judgment day is. No one knows when Jesus will return, though Jesus himself predicted incorrectly within a generation. That does not stop con men like Harold Camping from pretending to know and milking a fortune out of the gullible.
25:1-12 Heaven is like 10 virgins for one man. Oil conservation.
25:32 Separating the sheep from the goats.
25:35-36 For I was an hungered and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger and ye took me in:
Naked and ye clothed me: I was sick and ye visited me: I was in prison and ye came unto me.
25:31-45 Your obligation to the poor. A greedy, miserly life leaves us devoid of anything but an empty craving for more possessions, more power or more status.
25:46 Faith without works won’t get you anywhere.
25:40 Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
25:41 Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels.
25:45 Whatever you do to the least of mankind: the hungry, the thirsty, the naked, the stranger, the prisoner… you did to Jesus.
26:26-28 Eat human flesh and drink human blood
26:49 Jesus and his male friends like to kiss each other.
26:51 Peter cuts off the ear of the servant of the high priest.
26:52 Live by the sword, die by the sword
26:53 How Jesus was able to maintain his delusions of grandeur.
27:5 Judas hangs himself in remorse. See Acts 1:18 which gives a totally different story.
27:25 One of the justifications Christians use for persecuting Jews.
27:51-53 Zombies! Busby Berkeley spectacular and saints rise from graves and dance about.
28:2-3 A big scary guy in a white robe was the one who rolled the stone from the tomb and took Jesus’s body.
Mark This is the oldest and presumably most accurate gospel in the New Testament.
3:28-30 The unforgivable sin: blaspheming against the Holy Spirit
4:25 The capitalist reality: For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he hath.
6:8-9 Jesus commands disciples to travel in poverty, somewhat less lavishly than modern cardinals, not even a change of clothes.
6:22 Spoiled girl asks for head of John the Baptist for a present and gets it.
7:1-15 Jesus says screw sanitation. No washing after shitting. No washing before meals. No washing your utensils.
7:9-10 The rod is not enough for children who curse their parents; they must be killed
8:23 Jesus spits in blind man’s eye.
8:38 A warning to all Republicans, especially members of the Skull & Bones fraternity at Yale. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?
9:13 Put to death any child who strikes a parent.
9:23 Another of Jesus’ megalies. Just believe and you can do anything. Think of all the people who believed they could fly and jumped out windows and died. Having confidence might help you to ski, but that is hardly anything.
10:28-31 Jesus promises salvation to those who will abandon their families and children. So much for Christian family values. He also promised one-hundred fold return on their money, paid in this lifetime.
11:24 Jesus the ultimate Santa Claus, promised to give you anything you pray for, no exceptions.
12:31 Love thy neighbour
12:42 The widow’s gift of two mites had great value since it was all she had. It could also be looked on as the first conning of the poor by Christian evangelists. This is the most shameless verse in the bible, used to con the poor out of even their most meagre holdings.
13:30 Jesus predicts the end of the world within the current generation. This did not happen. Jesus is thus a false prophet.
13:42 More wailing and gnashing of teeth when the god Yahweh casts the iniquitous non-believers into a lit furnace. Reminds you a bit of the ravenous planet-eating space goat in Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy.
book cover recommend book⇒The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxyto book home
by Douglas Adams 978-0-345-45374-7 paperback
birth 1952-03-11 2001-05-11 age:49 978-0-517-14925-6 hardcover
publisher Del Rey 978-1-4472-3039-7 eBook
published 2002-04-30 B0043M4ZH0 kindle
Witty science fiction. You need to read it for the same reason you need to read the bible. People make obscure references to it all the time. Includes all five novels in the series. The original movie was excellently done if you don’t want to read.
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14:51-52 Jesus in park with half naked boy. Boy flees naked.
15:33 Unscheduled eclipse of the sun that lasted three hours.
16:16 He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned. So much for ecumenism. This is no different from the contempt Muslims have for infidels. You’d think the alleged creator of the universe could come up with a more convincing argument for his existence that idle threats.
16:17-18 Christians are called on to perform exorcisms, speak in new tongues (They don’t. They are just babbling. They are not speaking in any language old or manufactured.) They are required to pick up poisonous snakes. It is supposedly safe for them to eat any poison. It isn’t. They have miraculous powers to heal just by touching (they don’).
1:1-4 Luke admits he has no first hand knowledge of the events he is writing about.
2:21 8 day old Jesus is genitally mutilated
2:23 Male obstetricians who do Caesarians are holy.
3:10-11 Your obligation to share 50% of your possessions with the poor.
3:23-38 One version of Jesus’s lineage. See also Matthew 1:1-17
4:1 The Holy Spirit takes Jesus out into the desert to be tempted by the devil.
12:19 Eat, drink and be merry.
6:37 Judge not and ye shall not be judged: condemn not and ye shall not be condemned: forgive and ye shall be forgiven:
6:46 Don’t waste your breath calling out the name of Jesus, the god Yahweh or the Lord. Do what he tells you.
7:27 Slay all the non-believers
9:3-4 Jesus commands disciples to travel in poverty, somewhat less lavishly than modern cardinals.
9:27 Jesus commands disciples to slaughter anyone who does not want to be subject to him.
10:12 Jesus will bury you in lava if you don’t buy his pitch. Talk about a frustrated evangelist.
10:29-36 The good Samaritan
11:38 You don’t have to wash your hands before dinner. Jesus didn’t. Apparently god forgot he created germs.
11:52 Woe to the lawyers
11:47 Jesus condones punishing slaves even when they were unaware they were doing wrong.
12:10 The unforgivable sin: blaspheming against the Holy Spirit
12:33 Give away all you have to the poor.
12:47 You are obligated to whip your slave creating stripes on his back.
13:23 The god Yahweh admits either we will lie, or that he will cease to be omniscient.
13:25 Crying out Jesus’s name won’t get you anywhere. You must have good works.
14:26 Jesus opposes family values. Hate your father, mother, children, brothers and sisters.
15:7 Why the return of the prodigal son creates more joy in heaven than the lives of 99 just men.
16:14 It is an abomination to secretly wish you had what your neighbour has.
16:17 If you are a bible literalist, you may not dismiss the old testament. And it is easier for heaven and earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fail.
16:18 Divorcing and marrying another counts as adultery. Both of you shall be put to death. Leviticus 20:10 Marrying a divorced woman counts as adultery. Both of you shall be put to death. In other words, divorced people must remain single the rest of their lives.
17:12 Jesus heals some lepers. However, science tells us Hansen’s disease did not exist in the first century. The Greek word lepros would best be translated as psoriasis not leprosy. In those times the itch of psoriasis was a mark of religious uncleanness and sufferers had to live apart.
18:29-30 Jesus promises salvation to those who will abandon their families and children. So much for Christian family values.
19:27 Jesus commands his followers to kill those who would not submit to him and do whatever he orders, just like the Muslims.
20:9 The rod is not enough for children who curse their parents; they must be killed.
20:25 Render unto Caesar
20:28-32 The god Yahweh forces women to marry dead husband’s brothers
21:1-4 Widow’s mite (tiny contribution) considered worthy because it was all she had. First recorded example of evangelist taking advantage of gullible, poor, old lady.
21:24 Many Americans take this verse to mean it was a Good Thing™ that Jews successfully made war to capture Jerusalem in 1948. The way I read it non-Jews need to take control of Jerusalem for Jesus to return.
22:36 You must buy a sword, even if it means selling your clothes.
22:70 Jesus evades the question of is he the son of god.
23:34 Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.
23:44 A three hour solar eclipse covered the entire earth. Solar eclipses only cover a small local area, the shadow of the moon, and last only 7 minutes. None of the 21 historians of the time noticed it. Modern astronomy also says it never happened. It allegedly occurred at a full moon. Eclipses can only happen at a new moon. How could anyone living in Judea know what was happening over the entire earth? Perhaps this was just a bit of Christian exaggeration. Perhaps all that happened was the sun dipped behind a cloud for three hours. Perhaps the whole thing is a myth. Kenneth Humphreys considers this the silliest verse in the bible. The Three Most Stupid Verses in the Gospels click to watch One of the few things the ancients did understand was eclipses. They knew full well Mark’s tale was utterly impossible. But they promoted it anyway as something symbolically, logically and physically possible, the way Muslims claim stars appeared between the horns of the moon. But then, by tradition, it did not actually have to happen, just be prophesied, as it was in Amos 8:9. John, apparently, was not impressed by this miracle, and never mentioned it.
2:4 Jesus is rude to his mother.
2:27 You don’t have to read the bible. The holy spirit will just put the knowledge you need directly into your brain.
3:13 Jesus pooh-poohs Elijah’s claim he went to heaven in a fiery chariot.
3:16 All it takes is faith in Jesus to receive eternal life. Human sacrifice is extremely effective. You have a choice of eternal life or perishing, not eternal life or hellfire.
3:17 If you close your heart to those in need, that is proof you don’t love god.
3:36 All it takes is faith in Jesus to receive eternal life.
5:7-8 Only place trinity exists in bible. Erasmus said it does not appear in the original Greek.
5:22 The god Yahweh won’t judge you after all. Jesus will. Imagine the lineups.
5:24 All it takes is faith in Jesus to receive eternal life.
5:28-29 Faith without works won’t get you anywhere.
5:37 The god Yahweh does not talk to people. Those voices in Bush’s head who told him to run for office, invade Afghanistan and invade Iraq were not the god Yahweh, despite Bush’s protestations. To me they sound more like satanic voices namely symptoms of mental illnesses. See also I Timothy 6:16 and I John 4:12
6:16-22 Walking on water and some teleportation. When Jesus steps aboard, suddenly they are ashore 6.44 km (4 miles) away.
6:40 All it takes is faith in Jesus to receive eternal life.
6:53-56 Another idiotic broken promise/phony miracle. Jesus claims bread will literally turn into his flesh and wine will literally turn into his blood. Even to a child, absolutely nothing happens.
6:54-59 Getting into heaven requires ritual cannibalism.
7:21-23 Jesus offers a test by which you can tell if he were sent from god. He fails his own test.
8:7 on casting the first stone. Unfortunately, this popular story does not appear in the original Greek.
8:15 Jesus won’t judge you either.
8:32 The truth shall make you free.
8:41-45 Jesus says Jews who do not convert to Christianity are sons of the devil.
8:44 The verse Christians use to justify persecution of the Jews. Jesus complains that his listeners are so dense in getting his message that they are sons of the devil. Satan in the father of all lies.
9:3 Jesus blinds a man for the first half of his life so that he can put on a show healing him at the pool of Siloam.
10:9 All it takes is faith in Jesus to receive eternal life.
10:30 Jesus claims to be god.
10:35 Scripture can never be changed.
11:26 And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Clearly this is false. Everyone dies, even if they are later magically resurrected leaving their bodies behind.
12:25 Love life? You die. Hate life? Live forever.
12:37-40 God blinds people and hardens their hearts to block them from salvation.
12:47 Jesus won’t judge you for thinking Christianity is a crock.
13:25 John lies with his head on Jesus’s breast.
13:34-35 The New commandment. How you can tell if someone is a Christian.
14:2 In my Father’s house there are many mansions. This suggests to me that early Christianity was a big tent religion, welcoming diversity.
14:6 I am the way. I am the Light. I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. Christianity is the only path to God. All the other religions suck roadkill.
14:12 Jesus predicts his followers will do even greater miracles than he does.
14:16 Jesus claims exclusive hold on the keys to heaven.
16:23 Jesus, the ultimate Santa Claus, promises to give you anything you pray for, no exceptions.
18:10 Simon Peter whacks a servant with a sword, slices off his ear
20:23 In praise of gullibility
20:27 Doubting Thomas pokes his finger into Jesus’ wound.
20:29 Jesus praises willful gullibility and stupidity.
1:18 Judas’s guts gush out onto the ground. Compare with Matthew 27:5 which tells a completely different story.
2:44-45 Apostles establish and espouse communism.
4:32-35 The Communist phrase from each according to his ability, to each according to his need was lifted from this verse. It is amazing how the religious right imagines the bible condemns sharing as a sin. Perhaps they have never read it.
5:28-29 A dietary prohibition against eating blood from creatures that have been strangled. JWs interpret this to mean let your child die rather than give him a blood transfusion.
5:30 Jesus was hanged from a tree, not crucified.
8:34-40 teleportation
8:37 Oddly this verse is censored out of the Jehovah Witness bible.
10:39 Jesus was hanged from a tree, not crucified.
12:21 King eaten by worms.
13:29 Jesus was hanged from a tree, not crucified.
15:25 Jesus drives a Honda.
16:3 Paul circumcises Timothy, though he told everyone else not to.
19:19 Massive burning of all books.
1:26-32 Gay men and women worthy only of death. St. Paul’s prairie fire view of homosexuality. Saint Paul considered gay sex more pleasurable than straight sex and worried there would be a prairie fire as men abandoned women and the race would die out. So he wanted gay men to think of England and screw women, even if they found it distasteful. He worried unduly. Today we have a big overpopulation problem. But Paul still flogs gay men to make babies. God makes people gay as punishment for insufficiently worshiping his highness.
2:6-8 Faith without works won’t get you anywhere.
6:23 Eternal life is a free gift. No conditions.
1:1-2 No rebelling, not even against vicious dictators. God loves all governments.
13:1-5 The American declaration of independence is 100% in opposition to this verse. The bible endorses totalitarianism. Any rebellion against established authority is rebellion against Yahweh.
13:9 love thy neighbour
I Corinthians  
1:19 I will destroy the wisdom of the wise
6:9 No effeminate people in Heaven
6:18-20 No sex please, we’re Christians
7:12 Paul says he is speaking for himself, not god. The bible itself does not claim to be inerrant.
7:19 Genital mutilation is not important after all
11:3 Silent wives. Absolute obedience.
11:14 Long hair is sinful. Did someone tell Sampson?
11:17 Paul says he is speaking for himself, not god. The bible itself does not claim to be inerrant.
13:2 St. Paul’s greatest hit: Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
13:11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Childish things include Santa Claus, spirits, gods, monsters under the bed, boogie men…
14:7 Why toilets make noise
14:34-35 Women must keep silent in church
14:40 Let all things be done decently and in order. Apparently, Yahweh disapproves of multi-core CPUs (Central Processing Units), parallel processing and Java Threads.
15:15 Jesus warns sex partners not to fall asleep without withdrawing.
15:22 Hell is empty. Jesus is taking everyone to heaven.
II Corinthians  
4:4 Jesus was created in the image of the god Yahweh.
8:13-15 Paul is a communist.
For I mean not that other men be eased and ye burdened:
But by an equality, that now at this time your abundance may be a supply for their want, that their abundance also may be a supply for your want: that there may be equality:
As it is written, He that had gathered much had nothing over; and he that had gathered little had no lack.
11:13-14 The devil has the ability to take on a pleasing shape. For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ. And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.
1:7 Even the early church worried about heresy.
4:16 Am I therefore become your enemy because I tell you the truth? This is a verse atheists could quote when attacked by Christians.
5:2 According to Paul, under no circumstances should you get circumcised.
6:7 Woe unto Monsanto. As ye sow, so shall ye reap!
1:11-12 Paul admits he just made up everything he had to say about Jesus (by revelation).
5:11-12 Paul wishes those who get circumcised are accidentally castrated in the process.
1:21 There is cast system of 9 levels of demi-gods, including cherubim, seraphim and archangels, so much for monotheism.
4:29 No lying, not even to support creationism.
5:22-24 Silent wives. Absolute obedience.
6:3 Slavery is perfectly ok with the god Yahweh. His enthusiastic approval helped slavery linger for centuries after it should have naturally been outlawed.
6:5 The English standard version translates this as: Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ. Even though the KJV (King James Version) says servants, white slave owners used this New Testament verse to justify slavery.
2:8-11 Jesus was not called Jesus during his lifetime. The name was bestowed on him by god after his death as an honour meaning saviour. Maybe he was called Immanuel after all, to fulfill the prophesy.
4:8 Christianity admits to wishful thinking. Whatever sounds good must be good.
I Thessalonians  
2:14-15 Verse used to justify antisemitism. Blames Jesus’s death solely on the Jews.
4:17 The rapture. The good are levitated into the air.
5:2 For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night.
5:21 Prove all things: hold fast that which is good.. So evidence and proof are important after all. Blind faith is not sufficient, even for Christians.
II Thessalonians  
2:11-12 The god Yahweh uses mind control to force people to believe lies, then condemns them for it. Is such a bastard as this, even if he did exist, worthy of worship?
2:15 One of the justifications Christians use for persecuting Jews.
3:10 he one who is unwilling to work shall not eat, the most favoured bible verse of all for Republicans. The problem is almost always sickness, disability or lack of a job not unwillingness to work. People unwilling to work for food are extremely rare. There are no animals that would rather starve than work, so it is bit silly to imagine that all the poor are that way. The poor usually work longer and harder than the wealthy for far less money. The problem is the rich exploiting them.
I Timothy  
1:6 For the love of money is the root of all evil.
2:11-12 Silent wives. Absolute obedience.
2:12 No female teachers. No female bosses. Women should not speak.
2:15 Women can atone for the sin of being born female by bearing children, believing Christian crap and not getting drunk.
3:1-7 Why Yahweh forbids all Christians to vote for Donald Trump.
3:2 Christian bishops must have exactly one wife. Take that you Catholic paedophiles.
6:16 No one, not even Moses, has ever seen Yahweh.
6:17-19 Don’t trust in riches.
6:20 Don’t trust science, trust faith instead.
II Timothy  
1:9 Predestination: God decided before time began who would get into heaven and who would go to hell. It has nothing to do with works.
3:16 Claims the old testament was inspired by god, not written by. It says nothing of the new testament which was not yet written. The bible itself does not claim to be inerrant. If you write a book inspired by Lucy Maude Montgomery, it does not imply she had anything at all to do with writing your book or guaranteeing its accuracy.
2:12 The unforgivable sin: blaspheming against the Holy Spirit. You must be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
  to come
  to come
8:4 If [Jesu] were on earth implies to me he was not on earth and perhaps never was. He like St. Paul’s purely mythic Jesus.
9:4 The Ark of the Covenant was a gold box containing a jar for holding manna. The Jews have lost track of it.
10:25 For it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins. Now they tell me after the thousands of animal sacrifices Yahweh demanded. Oddly, human sacrifice, especially by Jesus is still considered effective. Christians are almost as backward as Aztecs.
10:25 You are not a Christian unless you attend church.
11:1 Faith is things hoped for, aka wishful thinking.
11:35 Woman tortured for rejecting Christianity.
13:16 Yahweh claims he was just kidding about wanting human and animal sacrifice. Doing good will do. This god has a multiple personality disorder.
1:13 God never tempts people, except Job.
I Peter  
1:1 More concern about heresy.
2:24 Jesus was hanged from a tree, not crucified.
3:1 Silent wives. Absolute obedience.
II Peter  
2:18 Slaves, be obedient to your masters, especially if they are cruel. The bible is completely immoral when it comes to slavery and treatment of black people. And of course bigots used the bible for thousands of years to justify their sadism.
3:7 The god Yahweh will burn the entire earth to punish people for thinking Jesus was making it all up.
3:10 But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night
1:20-21 The old testament was written by men moved by god. The bible itself does not claim to be inerrant.
I John  
2:2 Your sins are all forgiven. Jesus’ suffering annihilate them, so go ahead and do what you want, you will have eternal life.
2:7-12 The new old commandment. It is important to love everyone. All sins are forgiven.
2:18 There are many antichrists.
2:22 Anyone who denies Jesus is the Christ is an antichrist.
4:12 No one, not even Moses, has ever seen Yahweh.
5:7-8 Only place in the bible the trinity is mentioned: Father, the Word and the Holy Ghost. What? no Jesus?
5:13 There is no need for works. Faith in Jesus is all you need for eternal life.
II John  
1:5 The new old commandment. It is important to love everyone no matter what.
III John  
1:4 Bible claims to love truth, quite an irony since it is mostly utter bullshit.
  to come
1:16 There is cast system of 9 levels of demi-gods, including cherubim, seraphim and archangels, so much for monotheism.
3:18 Silent wives. Absolute obedience.
3:22 Slavery is perfectly acceptable to the morally degenerate god Yahweh. He admonishes slaves to do as they are told.
4:4 The god Yahweh is invisible. Every animal was created in his image. Therefore all animals are invisible?
Revelation 2:22-23 Jesus promises to torture the children of adulterers.
6 The four horsemen of the apocalypse. The seven seals.
6:8 The god Yahweh has predecided he will in future be angry with humans, therefore he plans to kill off one quarter of the earth by sword, famine, plague and wild beasts. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them ordering an angel to burn up 1/3 of humanity.
6:13 Revelation predicts the stars will fall to the earth like figs. There are several problems with that.
  1. Stars are much bigger and hotter than the earth. Earth would be vaporised if even one got within millions of miles. Stars would not fall on the surface of the earth like figs or spent fireworks. Consider that metals are molten on Mercury at 57,936.38 megameters (36,000,000 miles) from the Sun (our local star).
  2. The nearest stars are all over 4 light years away. Even if something dragged would not simply fall. The earth’s gravity is infinitesimal at that distance.
  3. The author clearly has no understanding of astrophysics. He did not even understand that the sun is a star. Surely the creator of the universe would know that. Therefore the author of Revelation did not have his work proofread by the god Yahweh. He made it up on his own and lied, passing it off as the work of God.
7:3-4 The god Yahweh plans to kill everyone, including all the Christians leaving only 144,000 Jewish male virgins, roughly one in 46,500 people. Christians must never have read their bible. That god plans to betray them and kill them all mercilessly is all spelled out. He apparently loves the paedophiles above all others.
8:7 predicts a third part of trees burnt up and all green grass burnt up. This echoes the ecological catastrophe of North Africa turning from forests to deserts in biblical times. This may be one of the wisest parts of the bible, based on factual observation.
8:9 Killing whales is murder. A third of the creatures that are in the sea which have souls died.
8:10-11 The god Yahweh has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them by poisoning the water to kill 1/3 of humanity.
9:3-6 The god Yahweh plans to kill everyone but the 144,000 with locusts that sting like scorpions. They will be denied the relief of death.
9:13 The god Yahweh has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them using plagues, fire, smoke and sulphur to kill 1/3 of humanity.
10:10 Book eating
11:1-2 Feeble justification for Christians or Jews to demolish the Muslim’s third holiest mosque al-Masjid al-Aqsa which has been in Jerusalem for 1,313 years.
11:6 The god Yahweh has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them via witnesses delivering plagues.
11:15 The god Yahweh has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them with earthquakes.
11:18 The god Yahweh promises to destroy the Kristian antienvironmentalists like Buchanan and Robertson.
13:15-18 666, Mark of the beast, embedded ID tags for buying and selling.
14:3-4 Heaven is reserved for 144,000 male virgins. What does this say about the god Yahweh? Is he a paedophile too like his priests?
14:20 God’s angel will throw an estimated (by Steve Wells of Drunk With Blood) 24 trillion people into a giant winepress so that their blood overthrows it.
16:2-6 First angel’s vial contains biological war. Bioterror was not widespread until the 19th century, long after the Bible was written. Seven angels will pour seven bowls of God’s wrath, delivering plagues of painful sores, seas and rivers of blood, burns from solar flares, darkness and tongue-biting.
16:3 Second angel’s vial contains oceanic pollution. Oceanic pollution was not widespread until the 20th century, long after the Bible was written.
16:4 Third angel’s vial contains river pollution. River pollution was not widespread until the 19th century, long after the Bible was written.
16:8-9 Fourth angel’s vial contains nuclear war. Nuclear war was not invented until the 1946, long after the Bible was written.
16:10 Fifth angel’s vial contains nuclear winter. Thermonuclear winter was not invented until the 1960s, long after the Bible was written.
16:12 Sixth angel’s vial contains the destruction of the Euphrates river in Iraq.
16:17-21 Seventh angel’s vial contains a rain of bullets. Bullets were not invented until the 15th century, long after the Bible was written.
16:18-19 The god Yahweh has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them with earthquakes.
16:21 The god Yahweh has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them with hailstones.
17 The god Yahweh has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them using plagues, fire, smoke and sulphur to kill 1/3 of humanity.
17:16 A whore is stripped, eaten and burned alive
19:17-18 Mankind as the last supper
20:14 Everyone, by default, thrown into the lake of fire.
20:41 If you are beheaded for your belief in Jesus, rejoice.
Revelation 21:8 All non-believers go to hell.
22:15 The god Yahweh is just as ticked with creationists as with murderers.

What Is Not In the Bible

You would think from the way evangelists talk, that 90% of the bible would be about fire and brimstone. However, there is almost nothing. There is nothing at all in the old testament.


Bible Atrocities
Christmas tree bible verses
Combating Kristianity guide to the bible that demonstrates how it teaches evil behaviours
Gospel According to Thomas and other books left out of the current bible
Murder in the bible
Noah and the Oopsies: Why It is Unlikely God Wrote the Entire Bible
Project Reason: biblical inconsistencies
Rape in the bible
reader feedback on this essay
Recovering from Religion
Skeptics Annotated Bible
Skeptics Annotated Bible
Tennessee Law Book: If the Religious Right gained power, how the laws of Tennessee would be worded
The New Ten Commandments

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