Bible Study Guide

Bible Study Guide


By Ray Blessinemail Ray Blessin
Formatted and augmented by Roedy Greenemail Roedy Green
HTML (Hypertext Markup Language) links by  Darwin Bedfordemail Darwin Bedford
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals, and 362 to heterosexuals. This doesn’t mean God doesn’t love heterosexuals, it’s just that they need more supervision.
~ Lynn Lavner a lesbian comic
Introduction II Kings Hosea Mark Philemon
Search I Chronicles Joel Luke Hebrews
Other Translations II Chronicles Amos John James
Questions Ezra Obadiah Acts I Peter
OLD TESTAMENT Nehemiah Jonah Romans II Peter
Genesis Esther Micah I Corinthians I John
Exodus Job Nahum II Corinthians II John
Leviticus Psalms Habakkuk Galatians III John
Numbers Proverbs Zephaniah Ephesians Jude
Deuteronomy Ecclesiastes Haggai Philippians Revelation
Joshua Song of Songs Zechariah Colossians Videos
Judges Isaiah Malachi I Thessalonians Links
Ruth Jeremiah II Thessalonians Blog
I Samuel Lamentations I Timothy
II Samuel Ezekiel NEW TESTAMENT II Timothy
I Kings Daniel Matthew Titus

Introduction

The King James version of the Holy Bible is one of the most revered documents on the planet. It is used as an infallible guide for moral guidance. It has a stupendous reputation.

The Bible contains some of the most sublime poetry in the English language, such as the Psalms, Isaiah’s swords into ploughshares prophesy Isaiah 2:4, the Sermon on the Mount Matthew 5:1, and St. Paul’s exposition on love I Corinthians 13:2.

Unfortunately, the Bible, particularly the Old Testament is quite overrated. Its reputation depends on people not actually reading it for themselves and discovering what utter silliness comprises the bulk of it.

I invite you to look for yourself and judge. Here is a guide to the key, unexpected, picturesque, bizarre and humourous parts of the Bible. Most of the bible is just deadly dull and irrelevant, highly unlikely the work of an author with infinite intelligence.

I take potshots at the silliest parts of it in my Noah essay and point out numerous oopsies, inconsistencies that just could not be present if the Bible were truly inerrant.

The summaries are a bit tongue in cheek. To see the actual corresponding Biblical verses click in the where column to see for yourself what the Bible says with as much context as you want.

The most lunatic parts of the Bible are in the Old Testament’s  Leviticus and Deuteronomy. The most sublime in the New Testament’s Gospel According to  Matthew.

Search King James Bible

To search The King James bible for an exact phrase, enter it in quotes, e.g. "hand of the poor and needy"

To search for words used together in a chapter, enter the words without quotes e.g. wrestled angel Jacob

Alternate Translations

The references here are all to the traditional King James Bible. You can also view the ESV (English Standard Version) modern translation.


(e.g., John 1 or God’s love)

For other translations, see Crosswalk.com.

President Thomas Jefferson was so disturbed by this admixture of dross with the gold, he edited a condensed Bible with the dross removed.

Steve Wells has annotated the entire Bible from a skeptic’s point of view, pointing or errors and inconsistencies.

I have shown the traditional King James Version. Even when it was written, the authors used a deliberately archaic language to give it an aura of age and gravity. The nonsense in the Latin version is hard to notice.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.
~ Anonymous
One of the reasons for sticking with archaic language for the bible, is that when you translate it into modern English the silliness is even more obvious.

Questions

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Old Testament
Where
Click for Text
What you will find
Genesis  
1:5 God creates light and dark on the first day, then evening and morning on the third day, then created the sun, moon and stars on the fourth day. God seems somewhat confused about the source of light.
1:15 The moon shines by its own light just like the sun. (The Qur’an got this right.)
1:26 Humans are the god Jehovah’s chosen species. They have the right to plunder the planet as they see fit and to enslave and torment all other species. That is probably not what the god Jehovah meant by giving dominion but that’s how Christians like James Gaius Watt and George W. Bush seem to interpret it.
1:27 So the god Jehovah created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. This seems to suggest the god Jehovah is a hermaphrodite.
1:28 The source of the notion of conquering and subduing nature.
1:29 The god Jehovah wants you to be a vegetarian.
3:1-5 Talking snake.
3:16 The god Jehovah inflicts childbirth pain punishing all females for Eve’s sin. Group punishment violates the Geneva conventions. In other words, the god Jehovah is a war criminal.
4:8 Brother killing brother
4:9 Am I my brother’s keeper?
5:2 It wasn’t Adam and Eve; it wasn’t Adam and Steve; it was Adam and Adam.
6:4 The god Jehovah had sex with the mothers of giants like Charles Barkley, Magic Johnson, André René Roussimoff, Wilt Chamberlain, Yao Ming, Leonid Stadnyk, Bao Xishun and Robert Pershing Wadlow, siring them, as he sired Jesus (who was not particularly tall).
6:7 The god Jehovah commits genocide and ecocide flooding the earth.
7:24 Noah stuck in the ark 150 days, of which 40 it rained. There was nowhere near enough room for all the animals and food for them.
7:23 The god Jehovah drowns every living thing on the planet.
8:22 As long as the earth endures, seed time and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, will never cease.
8:22 The god Jehovah promises never to destroy the world using lawyerly language. He later changes his mind in Revelation.
9:2 The Christian justification for animal cruelty and exploitation.
9:5-6 Whoso sheddeth man’s blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made the man. Some anti-abortionists have used these words to justify the killing of abortionists. As such, these words helped inspire Michael Griffin to kill Doctor David Gunn on 1993-03-10.
9:11-13 The god Jehovah promises Noah he will not destroy the world by flood again.
9:25-27 Sons of Ham/Canaan = black people. Hence this justification for slavery and its legacy racism.
12:14-16 Abram pimps his wife
17:9-14 Genital mutilation mandated
18:21 Jehovah admits he is not omniscient after all. He needs to go on a fact-finding trip to see if Sodom and Gomorrha as are wicked as he has heard.
19:1-8 Rape virgins but not male angels. Male rape a hoax. It is based on a middle English pun.
19:8 Lot offers his virgin daughters to a mob
19:26 The god Jehovah turns Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt for taking a look over her shoulder at her burning city.
19:30-38 Daughters seduce their own father
21:14 Sending pregnant maid out of house
22:10 Abraham prepared to sacrifice his son Isaac, putting a knife to his son’s throat, because he thought he heard the god Jehovah commanding him to. Not unlike George W. Bush slitting the throat of the world.
22:16 The god Jehovah swears an oath on himself, so help me, me.
24:2-3 Grope sexual organs of one swearing oaths
25:1-6 Keeping mistresses is not adultery
27:11 Jacob accuses his mother Rebekah of fooling around with the milkman because Esau his brother is an hairy man whilst he is a smooth man
29-30 Surrogate motherhood
30:37-39 Creationist genetics. Striped and spotted animals are created when the copulating parents view white stakes.
30:41-42 principle of artificial selection, and the use of white branches. One of the few bits of science the bible almost got right.
32:25 The god Jehovah dislocates Jacob’s hip in a wrestling match
34:1-31 Brothers are riled when sister is defiled
35:22 Reuben sleeps with father’s concubine
38:8-10 The god Jehovah kills for practising birth control. Onan spills his seed.
38:14-18 Tamar plays harlot to seduce father-in-law
39:7-14 Woman tries to rape man
43:42 It is an abomination to refuse to sit together at a meal.
47:29 Joseph ordered to feel-up his father
49:20 Asher (Joseph’s brother betrayer) prophesied to shit out creampuffs.
Exodus  
1:22 Throwing all boy babies into the river
3:2 Strange as it sounds, a man was sentenced to three years in an American prison for making a reference to this verse.
4:25 Genital mutilation with a sharp stone
7:3 The god Jehovah hardens Pharaoh’s heart to block him from freeing the Israelites, then uses Pharaoh’s reluctance as an excuse to visit plagues on everyone. That is the sort of behaviour of a crazed arch villain. Imagine any character in a movie behaving that way. They are twisted beyond redemption. This god Jehovah behaves far more like a devil than a god. The warning about corrupt fruit applies to gods too.
7:20 River of human blood
8:2 The god Jehovah deters illegal immigrants by throwing frogs.
11:4-5 Moses announces the slaughter of all first born in Egypt.
11:5 The god Jehovah kills all the firstborn sons, even of slave girls who had no part in oppressing the Israelites. Another war crime — group punishment.
12:29 The god Jehovah kills all first-born babies in Egypt, and all the first-born cattle.
16:35 Moses and the Israelis allegedly take 40 years to navigate across the 321.87 km (200 miles) Sinai desert to get to the Promised Land. This is an average speed of 0 metre/sec (3 feet/hr) slower than a snail.
20:3-17 The ten commandments.
20:3-5 The god Jehovah punishes the children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great great-grandchildren of those who worship any other gods. Another group punishment war crime.
20:5 Make the innocent pay for four generations
20:26 The god Jehovah insists on altar to prevent exposed nudity
21:2-6 You can pass your slaves onto you children, but you must free Hebrew slaves after 6 years.
21:7 When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she will not be freed at the end of six years as the men are. A man can buy as many sex slaves as he wants as long as he feeds them, clothes them, and screws them!
21:15 Put to death any child who strikes a parent.
21:20-21 On beating servants/slaves to death. It OK, so long as they survive at least two days afterwards.
21:22-25 Abortion. Killing of a fetus is a civil crime. Killing of the mother a capital crime. I would take that to mean the biblical view is that the fetus is not a person. Fundamentalists ignore these verses and take the opposite view.
22:18 Where Carie’s Mom got the idea to kill her daughter: Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.
22:19 Death is decreed for bestiality
23:10-11 Leaving fallow for the poor. The idea of empathy contained in the verse is even sufficiently broad to encompass wild animals.
30:15 Tithe is ½ shekel, same whether you are rich or poor, the way Republicans wanted it.
31:15 Anyone caught working on the sabbath must be put to death. Christians claim to believe this, but they flagrantly disobey, thank goodness.
32:27 The god Jehovah commands slaughter with swords, Jonestown cult style
34:7 visiting the sins of the fathers to children unto the fourth generation
34:11-14 The god Jehovah commands the Israelites to commit ethnic cleansing.
34:13-28 The ten commandments that were on the two stone slabs are quite different from the traditional set.
34:14 The god of the entire universe admits to petty jealousy about human affection as his key characteristic: For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.
34:28 Moses claims he went 40 days without food or water. Terri Schiavo died after 13 days without water.
35:2 The god Jehovah commands killing people who work at 7-11, who work on ferries or who take tickets at theatres, or anyone who mows his lawn on Sunday or anyone else who works on a Sunday. The authors of the bible are stark raving bonkers. Even Christians would know that if they ever actually read their flipping bibles cover to cover.
Leviticus  
1:10 Planning a sacrifice to please the lord? Make sure you pick a male animal!
1:11 The god Jehovah wants goat’s blood sprayed around the altar in your local church. It might help cut down the attendance.
2:7 The god Jehovah likes his meat fried southern style.
2:15 The god Jehovah likes his meat seasoned with frankincense and salt.
3:16 The god Jehovah likes a high cholesterol diet.
4:6 Priests should dip their fingers in blood and draw on the altar.
4:11 The god Jehovah likes the smell of burning dung. Kinky!
5:7 The god Jehovah will let you off the hook when you have sinned if you give him two turtledoves and, presumably, a partridge in a pear tree.
5:15 The god Jehovah will let you off the hook when you have sinned in ignorance if you give him a perfect ram, or the equivalent in money. I wonder who actually eats the ram and spends the money?
7:18 It is an abomination to eat leftovers on the third day.
7:27 The god Jehovah commands you cast all Brits into exile because at some time, they have all eaten black blood sausage for breakfast.
8:7 Aaron wears a girdle.
11:7 No Bacon.
11:9-31 Lobster, clams, shrimp, oysters, camel, rabbit, pork, swans, owls, eagles, ospreys, bats, dogs and snails are forbidden. Locusts and beetles, yummy!
12:1-8 The god Jehovah decrees childbirth unclean One week for male children, two for female.
12:3 The god Jehovah demands genital mutilation
13:2-14:57 The god Jehovah forbids the use of antibiotics such as rifampicin, dapsone and clofazimine. The only permitted treatment is priestly magic. How the god Jehovah wants you to diagnose and treat leprosy.
14:1-8 Cure leprosy by dipping a live dove in dead dove blood. If that does not work, try a sheep. And the god Jehovah knows everything? He is a quack. Creationists tell me the bible is infallible and inerrant. Yet they know perfectly well this cure does work. How can they stand there with their faces hanging out and persist in a claim the bible is infallible?
15:16-18 Sperm & intercourse are unclean
15:19-33 Menstruation is unclean
15:29-30 Women make offering for sin of menstruation
16:10 Origin of the term scapegoat.
16:21 Goat acts in the rôle of father confessor.
17:4-6 Spraying blood all over the place
18:11-20 No uncovering nakedness, especially female nakedness. It is a property crime. Men may take as many wives and concubines as they like because adultery for men consists only in having sex with a woman who is married.
18:19 No sex during a woman’s period.
18:22 Homosexuality is an abomination. All gays to be killed. Literally And you will not put to sleep the male the woman’s naps abomination he is. One modern interpretation is it is not ok for men to take afternoon naps but it is ok for women to. Part of the confusion comes because the original Hebrew is not grammatically correct. You’d think the deity would be better at grammar. You might invoke the principle of reasonable doubt here on whether the deity wants all gays slaughtered. Why is it modern Christians so love this verse but ignore all the rest of this great stuff in Leviticus?
18:23 Much talk of bestiality
19:20 If you marry your brother’s wife, you will remain childless. This is not true. King Henry VIII married his brother’s wife Catherine of Aragon and had a daughter by her, Mary I.
19:20-22 Man forgiven, woman gets flogging
19:25 No eating fruit until the fifth year after a tree is planted
19:26 No blood drinking or eating, no tarot cards, no horoscopes
19:27 Square beards only
19:28 No tattoos
29:6 No fortune cookies
20:10 The god Jehovah commands death to adulterers. Oddly Christian spit in the face of their god Jehovah and suffer straying TV evangelists to live. Why do they ignore this commandment and cherry pick others from surrounding verses to obey?
20:13 The god Jehovah commands more death to homosexuals. Literally And a man who will lie down the man the woman’s naps abomination he does both-of-them death he will die their blood in them. Clarity is not one of the deity’s major virtues. It’s almost as if the god Jehovah said Plant your rutabagas in a straight row. and the overeager Christians took it to mean Kill all the homosexuals. It is worthy of Monty Python. Christians love this verse, because it gives them an excuse to persecute homosexuals, even murder them, but ignore all the others in Leviticus.
20:14 Sex with both wife and her mother? All burn to death
20:15-16 Death for bestiality (including the poor beast)
20:18 The god Jehovah demands exile of both man and wife for having sex while she is having her period.
20:24 The god Jehovah kicks off the Arab-Israeli conflict by promising the lands then occupied by Arabs to the Israelites.
20:27 Wizards to be killed with rocks
21:9 The god Jehovah commands that prostitutes be burned to death if their fathers are priests.
21:11 no necrophilia
21:14 Only virgins may marry, no widows, divorced or loose women.
21:18-21 Dwarves, men with flat noses, those who have damaged testicles or six fingers are not welcome in church.
23:6 The god Jehovah recommends a yeast free diet.
23:30 The god Jehovah will destroy you if you mow the lawn on Saturday.
23:32 The Sabbath isn’t Sunday (as the Christians believe) or Saturday (as the Jews believe), or Friday (as the Moslems believe), but the 9th of the month.
23:32 The sabbath is not the 9th after all, but July 15th and 22nd.
24:16 Stoning to death for blasphemy, namely to speak in a less than reverent way about the god Jehovah. Why is he so sensitive? You’d the alleged creator of the universe would have a thicker skin.
24:17-20 An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
25:4 Every seven years let all your lands lie fallow. What do you eat that year?
25:10 Every fifty years, call a Jubilee with massive wealth redistribution.
25:44-45 Buy yourself a bunch of slaves. It is perfectly OK, so long as they are foreigners.
26:7-9 The god Jehovah commands the Israelites to commit ethnic cleansing yet again.
26:15-16 Horrible punishment for disobeying
26:29 A curse: Cannibalize your sons and daughters
27:2-4 Men are worth 50 shekels, women 30 shekels.
Numbers  
2:26-35 The god Jehovah commands the Israelites to commit ethnic cleansing against the land of Hesbon.
3:4 God kills two men for offering him strange fire (incense he does not like).
5:11-31 Fidelity test for women only — men? No problem. The test requires divine intervention, and god gives the woman an abortion as part of the test. The key to understanding this is that the word thigh in the bible is often a euphemism for genitals.
5:20-27 bitter water to trigger an abortion is when infidelity test
15:32-36 Moses commands a man gathering firewood on the Sabbath to be stoned to death.
16:33 The god Jehovah swallows up huge crowd in earthquake
16:35 The god Jehovah burns alive 250 men for offering incense
21:2-3 The god Jehovah commands the Israelites to commit ethnic cleansing against the city of Hormah.
21:4-6 People ask for bread and water. Jehovah sends venomous snakes to kill them for their impudence.
21:33-35 The god Jehovah commands the Israelites to commit ethnic cleansing against the land of Bashon.
22:28-30 Move over Mr. Ed, here is a talking donkey/ass. Balaam is not in the least surprised, just as in a children’s story.
23:24 Drinking the blood of the murdered
25:1-9 He sets a plague upon the Israelites, killing twenty-four thousand because some of them had sex with the Baal-worshipping Midianites. Yet another group punishment war crime.
25:4 The god Jehovah says hang severed heads in front of him
31:9 Kidnapping women and children
31:17-18 Moses says kill all, save the virgins for yourself
31:37-40 Jehovah demands massive animal sacrifices. (Who does he think he is, a volcano god?)
33:53 The god Jehovah commands theft of others’ land.
Deuteronomy The old testament prophet named after the grumpy old character in the Cats musical.
2:30 In order to ensure their complete extermination, the god Jehovah thwarts the free will of the victims by hardening their hearts so they do not sue for peace.
2:33-35 The god Jehovah demands killing of women, children, theft of land, theft of cattle.
3:6 Wide-spread genocide, men, women and children.
5:7 Yet another variation on the ten commandments.
7:1 How to be gracious in victory.
7:2 The god Jehovah commands the Israelites to show their victims no mercy.
7:6 Jews are the god Jehovah’s chosen people.
7:16 Kill everyone who is not a Jew.
7:25 It is an abomination to own a statue of the Buddha.
12:2 ecological war — burning down all trees in addition to the usual scorched earth policy.
13:1 You are not permitted to ignore even one line of the craziest parts of the bible. You must take it all absolutely literally.
13:7-11 If your child takes in interest in some other religions, you must kill them without mercy.
13:13-17 Kill entire villages if they contain even one person of some other religion. And Christians think Muslims are intolerant.
13:19 choose life The phrase Al Gore chose for his Nobel prize acceptance speech.
15:12 Buying slaves again
16:21 The god Jehovah is into Feng Shui. He hates trees.
16:22 The god Jehovah hates Kodak.
17:2-5 Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, atheist? Stone them to death! The Christian bible is even less tolerant than the Muslim Qur’an .
17:10-13 Are you too squeamish to stone people do death? You must be stoned too! Funny so many Christians overlooked this verse when searching for justification for tormenting gay people.
18:21 The 100% rule. Definition of a false prophet. How you know Hinn, Robertson et al are official false prophets.
20:14 The god Jehovah commands theft again. With a crooked thief of a god like this, no wonder the Jews feel no guilt about pushing the Palestinians off their lands and the Americans feel free to take any other country’s oil.
20:16-17 The god Jehovah commands the Israelites to not leave alive anything that breathes.
21:1-9 If someone is murdered, sacrifice a cow. I am not sure if this is supposed to help find the culprit.
21:10-14 Captured women may be raped or treated like trial wives. Don’t like her? Kick her out. Shave her head, pare her nails, imprison her a month while she cries her eyes out over her family you killed, then go in and rape her. Christian family values.
21:15-17 God condones bigamy, just as the Mormons claimed. God gives rules for having two wives, one loved and one hated.
21:17 No sassing. No talking back. Put to death any child who says anything disrespectful about his parents.
21:18-21 Stone to death any child who disobeys his parents.
22:5 no wearing garments of the opposite sex
22:11 No garments of mixed fibres, particularly wool and linen.
22:13-21 A bride who is not a virgin must be killed with stones.
22:23-26 If a virgin is raped, both she and the man shall be killed by stoning them to death. However the damsel is excused if she is betrothed and rape occurred in a field.
22:28-29 If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.
23:1 A man with injured testicles, or a severed penis cannot be in the congregation
23:2 Bastard children condemned for 10 generations. None of them are allowed to join in worship, and are condemned to hell even though none of them had anything at all to do with the sin.
23:12-14 Cover your feces with a shovel so the Lord won’t walk in it
23:18 It is an abomination to mention the price of a dog in church.
23:19 No usury, accepting interest on loans. Muslims still obey this commandment. Jews use the loophole that usury only applies to loans to your brother, not a stranger.
23:20 Usury ok, if with strangers.
23:23 You must keep your promises.
24:1 A man who wants a divorce, need only kick her out of the house
24:4 It is an abomination to marry a divorced woman.
25:5-10 A woman spits in the face of her dead husband’s brother
25:11-12 A woman trying to stop someone attacking her husband by grabbing his balls must have her hand cut off.
27:15 It is an abomination to secretly cast plaster figurines.
28:18 Your children will be cursed
28:27 A sinner is punished with hemorrhoids, scabs & death
28:30 Another curse: Another man has sex with your wife before you do
28:53-57 A curse: Eat your own flesh and the flesh of your own children. A ghastly description of what it is like to starve in a siege.
32:39-42 I kill… I wound… I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh.
Joshua  
1:6 The god Jehovah commands theft of land and property he promised to others.
1:12 The god Jehovah commands the Israelites to commit ethnic cleansing against the Canaanites, Hittites, Hittites, Perizzites, Girgashites, Amorites and Jebusites and theft of land and property.
5:2-8 The god Jehovah commands massive genital mutilation. A hill of foreskins
6:2 The god Jehovah grants Joshua the divine right to conquer and destroy Jericho. I wonder if that same god Jehovah gave Hitler the divine right to conquer and destroy Poland?
6:19 The god Jehovah grants Joshua the right to confiscate all the silver, gold brass and iron of Jericho. I wonder if he gave similar rights to the Americans to plunder the Iraqi antiquities?
6:20 After seven days of much blowing of rams’ horns and trumpets, the walls of Jericho magically fall down flat as predicted.
6:21 More scorched earth, killing both man and woman, young and your, ox and sheep and ass. So much for being able to trust the god Jehovah to protect the innocent. He is the lunatic demanding blood.
8:25 Slaughter an entire town of 12,000.
10:13 Joshua makes the sun stand still (earth stop rotating?) for a day with a little help from the god Jehovah, releasing the energy of uncounted hydrogen bombs, all without any damage.
10:28-43 Jehovah orders scorched earth policy.
11:6 The god Jehovah commands horses tortured.
11:14 The god Jehovah commands theft.
11:20 In order to ensure their complete extermination, the god Jehovah thwarts the free will of the victims by hardening their hearts so they do not sue for peace.
Judges  
3:20-22 Ehud sticks a knife in the fat king’s gut and dirt/shit comes out
4:6 Barak is a biblical name.
4:21 A woman kills a sleeping man by driving a tent stake into his temple, nailing him to the ground.
8:7 Gideon threatens to tear flesh with thorns and briers. This is the same Gideon after which motel bibles are named. Gideon murdered thousands of people, tortured and plundered the bodies of his victims.
8:30 Gideon had 70 sons from so many wives, he forgot how many
11:13 land grab
11:29-49 Jephthah burns his daughter alive in a human sacrifice commanded by Jehovah.
11:31-33 more scorched earth policy.
12:5-6 Man murdered for his poor pronunciation of Shibboleth.
14:9 Repetition of the old Greek myth that bees spontaneously generate in the carcasses of lions and bulls.
15:2 A father gives his daughter away
15:12 Samson kills 1000 men with the jawbone of a donkey.
19:23 Man offers his virgin daughter and concubine to be raped. They gang bang all night.
19:29 concubine is raped and then as punishment for being raped, cut into twelve pieces and mailed one piece to all the tribes of Israel.
20:21 More genocide and group punishment. The god Jehovah tells eleven tribes of Israel to nearly exterminate the twelfth tribe, the Benjamites, because a few of them raped and killed a Levite’s concubine. The resulting bloodbath takes the lives of 40,000 Israelites and 25,100 Benjamites.
21:6-25 400 virgins captured for wives during huge slaughter
Ruth  
3:6-9 Ruth seduces Boaz to force him to marry her
4:9-10 Boaz then buys Ruth
I Samuel  
5:9-12 Philistines cursed with hemorrhoids for stealing ark
6:19 The god Jehovah murders 50,070 men for looking into his ark
15:2-3 The god Jehovah commands a scorched earth policy: slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.
15:3 The god Jehovah orders another slaughter, all including suckling babes
15:33 Samuel chops a woman to pieces before the god Jehovah
18:1-4 Jonathan pledges his intense love for David and strips naked.
18:21 same-sex, group marriage.
18:23-27 David slices off foreskins of 200 men to win king’s daughter
25:22-34 Much pissing against a wall
II Samuel  
3:7 The mischievous Abner messes with father Saul’s concubine
4:12 David commands much chopping off of hands, feet and head
5:8 Reviling the lame and the blind
5:13 David has many wives and mistresses
11:1-27 Uriah is killed so David can have his wife.
12:7-12 Obscene performance to be viewed by all of Israel.
12:14-18 The god Jehovah murders an innocent child, to punish David for what he did to Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband.
12:24 The god Jehovah approves of David arranging the death of Bathsheba’s husband so that he could have sex with her. Ok, so technically it wasn’t adultery. Dear old god Jehovah can’t make up his mind on how he feels about murder.
13:10-14 incest. Amnon feigns illness in order to rape his own sister
16:20-23 Absalom has sex with father’s concubines for all to see
20:3 David imprisons 10 of his concubines for life
21:1 The god Jehovah lays a three-year famine on David’s people for Saul’s slaughter of the Gibeonites. Another group punishment war crime. The god Jehovah recommends sacrificing one’s children in return for lifting the famine. This is something you would expect from an Aztec god. Christians pretend not to notice that their god is just that sort of blood-thirsty sadist too.
24:10-15 The god Jehovah orders David to take a census of his men, and then sends a plague on Israel, killing seventy thousand for David’s sin in taking the census. The god Jehovah’s behaviour can only be described as psychotic and sadistic. He is clearly not a god. He is a devil.
24:15 The god Jehovah murders 70,000 for the sin of one
I Kings  
1:1-4 A sexy virgin is unable to revive the king
2:24-25 Hiring a man to commit murder
7:23 Bible claims Π is 3.0 not 3.1414…
11:1-10 Solomon has 700 wives 300 concubines but still not happy
14:10 Pissing against the wall not good
15:16-22 plundering and extortion
15:23 Asa sleeps with his multiple fathers.
16:11 Pissing against the wall not good, in case you did not get it the first time.
20:20 Mass slaughter
II Kings  
2:23-24 The god Jehovah has bears tear 42 kids to pieces for teasing a bald guy
3:26 The god Jehovah recommends sacrificing one’s children in return for his aid in battle.
3:27 King of Moab burns his own son alive
5:27 Cursing with leprosy for all future generations
6:24-33 Boiling and eating babies
6:29 A woman boils and eats her own son
8:12 Ripping open wombs of pregnant women.
9:8 More pissing against the wall
9:33 Throw a woman from a building — blood sprays all over
9:37 The god Jehovah commands feeding a corpse to the dogs.
10:7 Chop off the heads of 70 people and put the heads in baskets
10:11 Murder of a whole family
14:5 Revenge murder of servants/slaves
15:16 Ripping open pregnant women
17:17 Making sons and daughters walk through fire
18:27 Eating of dung and drinking of piss
19:35 Angel of the Lord murders 185,000 Assyrians
20:7 Healing boils with a lump of figs
23:7 Gay whorehouses destroyed
I Chronicles  
2:10-44 Endless begats. Why did the god Jehovah think this was important?
16:30 Flat unmoving earth.
21:12 The god Jehovah sends three years of famine to punish King David.
21:14 The god Jehovah sends a pestilence killing 70,000.
II Chronicles  
14:9 The god Jehovah kills 1,000,000 Ethiopians. The Klu Klux clan uses this verse to justify persecuting blacks.
11:21 King has 18 wives, 60 mistresses resulting in 88 children
13:15-29 The god Jehovah helps Elijah kill half a million Israelites.
14:8-13 The god Jehovah helps Asa kill a million Cushites, so his men can plunder all their property. This god has no concept of moral principles whatsoever. He is as amoral an Genghis Khan.
21:4 Jehoram murders all of his brothers
24:12 Prisoners of war may be tossed off a cliff
26 Jehovah smotes king with leprosy for burning incense.
28:8 Israelites kidnap 200,000 women & children in looting spree
Ezra  
6:11 Punishment: homes converted to outhouses.
Nehemiah  
7:8-45 More contributions from Sesame Street’s Count von Count
Esther  
2:1-23 Sexual contest to decide new queen
2:12 Purifying virgins for the king
7:8 Man impaled on 50 cubit 22.86 metres (25 yards) pole
Job  
9:6 Earth rests on pillars. Surely Jehovah knows that is not so. The author of the bible thinks it does. Therefore Jehovah is not the author the bible.
21:24 Manmilk
Psalms  
15:5 no usury (charging interest)
18:43 Enslave non-believers!
33:2 The god Jehovah likes loud improvised harp music. How would anyone know this?
68:21-23 Dogs drink human blood. The foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Do I detect a slight inconsistency with Love Thy Enemies?
82:3 Judge the poor fairly.
82:6 Ye are gods.
93:1 Flat unmoving earth.
104:5 Flat unmoving earth.
109:7-10 The god Jehovah commands orphans be abandoned
137:1 The god Jehovah likes reggae
137:9 Happy shall a man be, that dashes babies on rocks
139:16 There is no free will because god knows what will happen to you on every day of your life. This demolishes the theodicy free-will argument for why their is evil — blame it all on humans and free-will.
148:4 The bible thinks the sky is a crystal dome, above which is water contiguous with the oceans on a flat earth.
149:7 Execute vengeance on non-believers, and punish all the people. You’d think the alleged creator of the universe could come up with a more convincing argument for his existence that idle threats.
Proverbs  
3:13 Happy is the man that findeth wisdom. The text of the hymn composed for Darwin’s funeral.
3:32 It is an abomination to be stubborn or rebellious.
6:16-19 It is an abomination to be proud, to have haughty eyes, to lie, to shed innocent blood, to have wicked imagination, to be mischievous, to bear false witness, to lie or to sow discord.
8:7 It is an abomination to be wicked.
11:1 It is an abomination to own an inaccurate scale.
12:22 It is an abomination to lie.
13:11 Money won by gambling will just fritter away.
14:31 Anyone who oppresses the poor is insulting God who made them. To help the poor is to honor God, hardly modern day Christian sentiments.
13:24 Beat your son with a rod if you love him.
15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath.
15:25 It is an abomination to have wicked thoughts.
16:5 It is an abomination to be proud.
17:15 It is an abomination to justify the wicked or condemn the just.
18:7 The bible being uncharacteristically reasonable.
20:30 Beat your son with a rod if you love him. The wounds must be blue, and there must be wound stripes on the belly.
22:9 Happy is the generous man, the one who feeds the poor.
22:16 What the god Jehovah thinks of Bush’s tax holiday for the wealthy:
He who oppresses the poor to increase his riches, and he who gives to the rich, will surely come to poverty.
23:13-14 Spare the rod and spoil the child. Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.
28:9 It is an abomination to pray without learning the law first.
28:27 He who gives to the poor will never want, but he who shuts his eyes will have many curses. If you give to the poor, your needs will be supplied, but a curse upon those who close their eyes to poverty. Most modern day Christians would reject this teaching.
29:7 The bible being uncharacteristically reasonable.
Ecclesiastes  
3:19 Ecclesiastes echoes Darwin in that men are just a type of animal.
4:9-12 Two are better than one.
7:26 And Christian bigots love to scorn Muslims for the have a low opinion they have of women: And I find more bitter than death the woman, whose heart is snares and nets, and her hands as bands: whoso pleaseth God shall escape from her; but the sinner shall be taken by her.
9:10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.
11:8 Ecclesiastes has no expectation of an afterlife.
12:13 Your primary duty is to fear god.
13:3 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.. This suggests it is wrong to economically exploit another a most un Republican thought.
Song of Songs aka Song of Solomon
2:12 voice of the turtle is heard in our land I find this one of the most pleasing phrases in the entire bible.
5:4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him: the god Jehovah’s constipation cure. Gross!
7:1 How beautiful are thy feet with shoes: Shoe fetish.
7:8 the smell of thy nose like apples: nose sniffing.
Isaiah  
1:11 The god Jehovah decides he does not like animal sacrifices after all.
1:13 It is an abomination to burn incense in church.
1:22 Lite beer really ticks the god Jehovah off, according to the New World Translation, lite wine according to King James.
1:29 The god Jehovah disapproves of tree hugging.
2:4 Swords into ploughshares prophesy, the most beautiful verse in the Old Testament:
And he shall judge among the nations, and shall rebuke many people: and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.
3:16 The god Jehovah commands children to be dashed to pieces before the eyes of their parents and women raped. Is this the god Jehovah or some military dictator in Darfur?
3:16 Daughters of Zion strut their stuff and the Lord gets a good look, then takes revenge. Neck-stretching while walking is wicked.
7:15 Baby Jesus prophesied to live on butter and honey. It has the same effect as munching on Eve’s apple.
9:20 Men shall eat the flesh of their own arms
11:6 Lions lying with lambs.
13:16 Children smashed to pieces, houses wrecked and wives raped
14:12 Only place Lucifer is mentioned.
14:21-22 Children slaughtered for their father’s iniquities
14:23 If you don’t behave, the porcupines will get you. (New World Translation).
16:11 The god Jehovah’s farting sounds like a harp
19:1 The god Jehovah travels by swift cloud. How can the god Jehovah travel if the god Jehovah is omnipresent?
23:15 Prophesy that Tyre will be utterly razed. It is still going strong.
26:18 The god Jehovah punishes with gas so bad it feels like labour pains.
27:1-3 The god Jehovah plans to nuke the whales.
33:15 The politicians’ verse. Despise the gain of oppression; wave away a bribe instead of accepting it.
34:3 After huge slaughter, stinking human carcasses & rivers of blood
34:6 The Lord’s sword is full of the blood of large scale slaughter
36:12 Folks sitting on a wall eat their own dung and drink their own piss
45:7 the god Jehovah admits He creates evil. Monotheism pretty well demands the only god is responsible for both good and evil.
49:15-16 Mother Theresa’s justification for making abortion illegal and also Sarah Palin’s excuse for writing notes on her hand: the god Jehovah did it too.
57:8 Penis beheld. New World Translation. Censored out of King James version.
58:7 Feed the hungry, clothe the naked.
58:10-11 Your obligation to the poor.
59:5 Snake eggs are fatally poisonous.
60:16 Sucking manmilk and gentile milk.
64:8 The god Jehovah is the potter. You are the clay.
65:25 New IAMS lamb and wolf chow, vegetarian lion chow and snake chow made from dirt.
66:17 It is an abomination to eat pork.
Jeremiah  
4:4 Mutilate your own genitals
8:12 It is an abomination to call for peace.
15:10 no usury (charging interest)
16:4 Horrible deaths with human bodies left for vultures and scavengers
19:9 Eat the flesh of family and friends
20:14-18 It is better to be aborted than live unhappy or wicked life (Pro-choice?)
22:3 The bible being uncharacteristically reasonable.
48:10 A curse on him who is lax in doing the Lord’s work! A curse on him who keeps his sword from bloodshed. And Christians think Islam is bloodthirsty.
Lamentations  
3:1-20 Jehovah mercilessly torments a man.
Ezekiel  
1:4 Nuclear war description: And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.
4:12-15 The god Jehovah says, eat bread made with dung
5:10 Fathers eat their sons and sons eat their fathers
6:11 Everyone who commits and abomination is killed.
7:27 Watch out Rush! According to their way, I will deal with them; according to their own judgements I will judge them.
8:2-4 The god Jehovah gives folks a look at his loins
9:6 The god Jehovah says slaughter all women, children and babies but not men.
16:15 Filthiness and fornication pours out
16:49 Sodomy is not homosexuality after all as the religious right tell us; it is, surprise, something that sounds suspiciously like modern Republicanism i.e. a combination of four elements:
  1. pride
  2. gluttonous wealth
  3. idle wealth
  4. heedlessness to the plight of the poor
Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fullness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy.
~ Ezekiel 16:49
It is an abomination to charge interest on a loan.
23:1-40 A grizzly tale of two sisters who were very busy whores
23:20 Men with penises like donkeys and who ejaculate like horses
29:7-8 The god Jehovah performs bloody castration with a sword
29:12 Prophesy that Egypt will be a desolate waste. It is still there.
37:1-15 Armies of zombies.
Daniel  
5:5-6 writing on the wall
11:39 Weak evidence Jesus wants a 2-state solution for Israel before he comes back.
Hosea  
1:2-11 The god Jehovah commands Hosea to take a whore for his wife
2:1-15 More pornography and then some
8:7 For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.
13:16 The people of Samaria must bear their guilt, because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open. The God Jehovah is merciful, just? Get serious! This is a war crime — group punishment. It would be cowardly and reprehensible to worship such a petty and vile god.
Joel  
3:2 Weak evidence Jesus wants a 2-state solution for Israel before he comes back.
Amos  
5:24 But let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an everflowing stream.
Obadiah  
1:16 People who drink will be forgotten by history.
Jonah  
1:17 Jonah’s fish story about being inside a whale/fish/shark 3 days.
Micah  
3:2-3 Chopping up, seasoning and eating human flesh
6:2-3 Curse on the rich, violent and liars.
Nahum  
  to come
Habakkuk  
3:3 The god Jehovah has horned hands.
3:4 The god Jehovah shoots hot coals out of his feet.
Zephaniah  
1:3 The god Jehovah is an animal abuser. He smites birds making them drop from the air to express his displeasure.
Haggai  
  to come
Zechariah  
2:1 Ho ho ho. The god Jehovah believes in Santa Claus.
Malachi  
2:3 The god Jehovah will spread dung on your face
2:11 It is an abomination to marry outside the faith.
3:8 robbing god. Refusing to tithe (hand over 10% of your income to the local con artist) is equivalent to robbing god.
<<td>Only place the bible mentions the trinity: Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost. What? no Jesus?
New Testament
Where What you will find
Matthew  
1:18 Mary impregnated by holy ghost. Yeah right!
2:16 Herod murders all the children under the age of 2 in Bethlehem
3:3 a voice crying in the wilderness
4:2-3 The first temptation of Christ. Jesus was not supposed to have any doubts that he was the son of God. He should not create food to reassure himself of his divinity.
4:5-6 The second temptation of Christ. You are not supposed to put the god Jehovah to any sort of test.
4:8-9 The third temptation of Christ. The explanation of why successful politicians are such dastardly people.
4:17 heaven is here and now, not pie in the sky after you die.
4:24 demonic possession.
5:1-48 Sermon on the Mount. The gold in the dross. The good stuff. The core of Jesus’s teaching.
5:9 Don’t let the Republicans fool you. The god Jehovah does not like war; He wants you to stand up for peace. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
5:15-16 Teach by example. Be like a blazing candle.
5:18 Jesus says don’t change the Bible no matter how crazy it sounds.
15:27 Racist Jesus refuses to cure non-Jewish daughter.
5:28 Adultery in your heart is just as bad as actually doing the nasty.
5:32 love thy neighbour
5:33-37 don’t swear oaths
5:38-39 Jesus rescinds an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
5:39 Jesus rejects Leviticus, suggests forgiveness instead. Turn the other cheek. Resist not evil. This is a strange teaching. It suggests letting the Bushes and Hitlers of the world get away with their crimes. It is counter to the conventional wisdom: All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
~ Edmund Burke (born: 1729-01-12 died: 1797-07-09 at age: 68)
5:40 If you lose a lawsuit, pay more than the judgement.
5:44 Love your enemies: the most ignored verse in the entire Bible.
5:54 The god Jehovah treats the just and unjust equally. He rains on both and shines on both.
6:2 Hypocrites trumpet their charitable acts. Don’t do that. But it ok to do good works in the expectation of rewards after death.
6:5-6 Jesus’s view on public prayer.
6:24 You cannot serve both the god Jehovah and Mammon.
6:28-30 Consider the lilies of the field. This sentiment is not true. The god Jehovah allows 28,000 people a day to die of hunger, no matter how hard they work. He does not automatically provide, at least not without everyone co-operating.
7:3 Motes and beams. Clean up your own act before criticising others.
7:7-8 Seek, and ye shall find. Jesus promises to give you anything you pray for, no exceptions.
7:12 The Golden Rule. The familiar phrase do unto others appears nowhere in the Bible.
7:12-14 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:
Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.
7:15 Beware the Angleys, Falwells and Robertsons. Beware the snake oil salesmen like Robison. False prophets are ravening wolves in sheep’s clothing.
7:16 By their fruits shall ye know them.
7:21 Baptism, being born again, calling out Jesus name, professing faith etc. will do you no good. Not everyone that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
7:21-23 The George W. George W. Bush verse. There is no point in churchy activity if you also work evil. I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. You can’t escape the need for good works.
7:26 The foolishness of building your house on sand.
8:12 Much weeping and gnashing of teeth. For those without teeth, presumably teeth shall be provided .
8:30-32 Exorcism where devils move into swine who, lemming-like, perish in the sea.
9:17 new wine into old bottles
10:9-10 Jesus commands disciples to travel in poverty, somewhat less lavishly than modern cardinals. Do not carry cash, no gold, silver or brass or banknotes of any kind. You may own only one coat and no shoes. You may not use a walking stick.
10:14-16 Jesus will bury you in lava if you don’t buy his pitch. Talk about a frustrated evangelist.
10:15 If you don’t answer the door to evangelists, Jesus will fry you just like Sodom and Gomorrha.
10:16 wise as serpents, harmless as doves
10:26-33 marks the sparrow’as fall
10:34-36 Jesus brings not peace but war among family members. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
10:35-37 Jesus admits his mission is to make family members hate one another, so that they shall love him more than their kin. Consistency was never his strong suit. This is what Jim Jones did to break down family structure and persuade parents to harm their children.
11:28 MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) Reverend Sirico’s favourite verse. Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. The idea is Jesus welcomes everyone, including gays, straights, sinners, transsexuals…
12:25
A house divided cannot stand.
~ Abraham Lincoln (born: 1809-02-12 died: 1865-04-15 at age: 56)

is a paraphrase of
And Jesus knew their thoughts, and said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand:
12:48 Jesus rejects the nuclear family as having value. What counts are the people in your church congregation.
13:3-8 Parable about prosletysing as throwing seed on various types of ground.
13:13 For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Supply side Jesus explains Republican positive-feedback economic theory — the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
13:22 If you can make sense of a spiritual teaching, you can enrich the world a hundredfold over what you were given.
13:40-42 Angels gather all & sundry to burn in fiery hell.
15:4-7 The rod is not enough for children who curse their parents; they must be killed
14:10-11 John’s head is chopped off.
16:19 The earthly church has the power to send you to hell if they don’t like you.
16:23 Get thee behind me Satan.
16:26 It is pointless to sell your soul even if you gain the whole world.
16:27 Faith without works won’t get you anywhere. Don’t count on grace.
17:20 Faith moves mountain.
18:6 Don’t you dare interfere with the Christian brainwashing of children. Jesus promised to punish those who harm children, but only if they are Christians.
18:8 Chop off your own hand and foot. Alex Kolansky, a Canadian eccentric, on reading this verse cut off his own hand. It had offended him by masturbating him.
18:9 Good Thing™ for Mr. Kolansky he did not have a Playboy in his bush cabin.
18:12 Sweat the small stuff. The important stuff will take care of itself.
18:19-20 Jesus’s big broken promise, 100% effective prayer. That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. Jesus promises to answer all prayers, not just the ones God thinks wise or the prayers of the virtuous. This is a lie since obviously Jesus never answers prayers, and even if you count coincidences you would have got anyway, Jesus nearly always refuses. See also Mark 11:24, Matthew 7:7, Matthew 21:22, Luke 11:13, John 14:13-14, John 15:7, John 16:23, I John 5:14-15.
18:25 Whole family sold to pay debt
18:34 Torture for unpaid bills
19:3-9 Divorcees who remarry are adulterers.
19:12 Castrate yourself for Jesus. Eunuchs cut off their balls to please god.
19:21 To be perfect, sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor.
19:24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
19:19 love thy neighbour
19:22 love thy neighbour
19:29 Jesus promises salvation to those who will abandon their families and children. So much for Christian family values.
20:9 The eleventh hour
21:5 Jesus does an Annie Oakley, riding two asses at once.
21:13 a den of thieves
21:19 Curses a fig tree for not producing in the off season
22:12-13 More weeping and gnashing of teeth, this time for failing to show up in formal attire for a wedding.
22:21 Pay your taxes!
23:5 What Jesus thinks of ecclesiastic fashion shows.
23:14 The Republican verse: Hypocrites! Stop oppressing widows and wasting your time on long prayers.
23:24 Straining at gnats and swallowing camels.
23:25 Cleaning the inside and outside of a cup. Not just appearances matter.
23:33 Everybody’s damned. Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?
24:34 Jesus claims impressive stuff including his return will happen within a generation. He did not show. Christians squirm to discount this verse.
24:37 Another global flood threat to punish those skeptical of Jesus’s claims. Could you imagine what he would have been like as a shoe salesman?
24:40 The rapture. The good are levitated into the air.
24:42 No one knows when judgement day is. No one knows when Jesus will return, though Jesus himself predicted incorrectly within a generation. That does not stop con men like Harold Camping from pretending to know and milking a fortune out of the gullible.
25:1-12 Heaven is like 10 virgins for one man. Oil conservation.
25:32 Separating the sheep from the goats.
25:35-36 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
25:31-45 Your obligation to the poor. A greedy, miserly life leaves us devoid of anything but an empty craving for more possessions, more power or more status.
25:46 Faith without works won’t get you anywhere.
25:40 Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
25:41 Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels.
25:45 Whatever you do to the least of mankind: the hungry, the thirsty, the naked, the stranger, the prisoner… you did to Jesus.
26:26-28 Eat human flesh and drink human blood
26:49 Jesus and his male friends like to kiss each other.
26:51 Peter cuts off the ear of the servant of the high priest.
26:52 Live by the sword, die by the sword
26:53 How Jesus was able to maintain his delusions of grandeur.
27:25 One of the justifications Christians use for persecuting Jews.
27:51-53 Zombies! Busby Berkeley spectacular and saints rise from graves and dance about.
28:2-3 A big scary guy in a white robe was the one who rolled the stone from the tomb and took Jesus’s body.
Mark This is the oldest, and presumably most accurate gospel in the New Testament.
4:25 The capitalist reality: For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he hath.
6:8-9 Jesus commands disciples to travel in poverty, somewhat less lavishly than modern cardinals, not even a change of clothes.
6:22 Spoiled girl asks for head of John the Baptist for a present, and gets it.
7:9-10 The rod is not enough for children who curse their parents; they must be killed
8:23 Jesus spits in blind man’s eye.
8:38 A warning to all Republicans, especially members of the Skull & Bones fraternity at Yale. For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
9:13 Put to death any child who strikes a parent.
9:23 Another of Jesus’ megalies. Just believe and you can do anything. Think of all the people who believed they could fly and jumped out windows and died. Having confidence might help you to ski, but that is hardly anything.
10:28-31 Jesus promises salvation to those who will abandon their families and children. So much for Christian family values. He also promised one-hundred fold return on their money, paid in this lifetime.
11:24 Jesus the ultimate Santa Claus, promised to give you anything you pray for, no exceptions.
12:31 Love thy neighbour
12:42 The widow’s gift of two mites had great value since it was all she had. It could also be looked on as the first conning of the poor by Christian evangelists. This is the most shameless verse in the bible, used to con the poor out of even their most meagre holdings.
13:30 Jesus predicts the end of the world within the current generation. This did not happen. Jesus is thus a false prophet.
13:42 More wailing and gnashing of teeth when the god Jehovah casts the iniquitous non-believers into a lit furnace. Reminds you a bit of the ravenous planet-eating space goat in Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy.
book cover recommend book⇒The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxyto book home
by Douglas Adams 978-0-345-45374-7 paperback
birth 1952-03-11 died: 2001-05-11 at age: 49 978-0-517-14925-6 hardcover
publisher Del Rey 978-0-307-49846-5 eBook
published 2002-04-30 B0043M4ZH0 kindle
Witty science fiction. You need to read it for the same reason you need to read the bible. People make obscure references to it all the time. Includes all five novels in the series. The original movie was excellently done if you don’t want to read.
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14:51-52 Jesus in park with half naked boy. Boy flees naked.
16:16 He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned. So much for ecumenism. This is no different from the contempt Muslims have for infidels. You’d think the alleged creator of the universe could come up with a more convincing argument for his existence that idle threats.
16:17-18 Christians are called on to perform exorcisms, speak in new tongues (They don’t. They are just babbling. They are not speaking in any language old or manufactured.) They are required to pick up poisonous snakes. It is supposedly safe for them to eat any poison. It isn’t. They have miraculous powers to heal just by touching (they don’).
Luke  
2:21 8 day old Jesus is genitally mutilated
2:23 Male obstetricians who do Caesarians are holy.
3:10-11 Your obligation to share 50% of your possessions with the poor.
12:19 Eat, drink and be merry.
6:37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
6:46 Don’t waste your breath calling out the name of Jesus, the god Jehovah or the Lord. Do what he tells you.
9:3-4 Jesus commands disciples to travel in poverty, somewhat less lavishly than modern cardinals.
10:12 Jesus will bury you in lava if you don’t buy his pitch. Talk about a frustrated evangelist.
10:29-36 The good Samaritan
11:38 You don’t have to wash your hands before dinner. Jesus didn’t.
11:52 Woe to the lawyers
11:47 Jesus condones punishing slaves even when they were unaware they were doing wrong.
12:33 Give away all you have to the poor.
12:47 You are obligated to whip your slave creating stripes on his back.
13:23 The god Jehovah admits either we will lie, or that he will cease to be omniscient.
13:25 Crying out Jesus’s name won’t get you anywhere. You must have good works.
14:26 Hate your father, mother, children, brothers and sisters.
15:7 Why the return of the prodigal son creates more joy in heaven than the lives of 99 just men.
16:14 It is an abomination to secretly wish you had what your neighbour has.
17:12 Jesus heals some lepers. However, science tells us Hansen’s disease did not exist in the first century. The Greek word lepros would best be translated as psoriasis not leprosy. In those times the itch of psoriasis was a mark of religious uncleanness, and sufferers had to live apart.
18:29-30 Jesus promises salvation to those who will abandon their families and children. So much for Christian family values.
19:27 Kill the non-believers, just like the Muslims.
20:9 The rod is not enough for children who curse their parents; they must be killed.
20:25 Render unto Caesar
20:28-32 The god Jehovah forces women to marry dead husband’s brothers
21:1-4 Widow’s mite (tiny contribution) considered worthy because it was all she had. First recorded example of evangelist taking advantage of gullible, poor, old lady.
21:24 Many Americans take this verse to mean it was a Good Thing™ that Jews successfully made war to capture Jerusalem in 1948. The way I read it non-Jews need to take control of Jerusalem for Jesus to return.
23:34 Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.
John  
2:27 You don’t have to read the bible. The holy spirit will just put the knowledge you need directly into your brain.
3:13 Jesus pooh-poohs Elijah’s claim he went to heaven in a fiery chariot.
3:16 All it takes is faith in Jesus to receive eternal life.
3:17 If you close your heart to those in need, that is proof you don’t love god.
3:36 All it takes is faith in Jesus to receive eternal life.
5:7-8 Only place trinity exists in bible. Erasmus said it does not appear in the original Greek.
5:22 The god Jehovah won’t judge you after all. Jesus will. Imagine the lineups.
5:24 All it takes is faith in Jesus to receive eternal life.
5:28-29 Faith without works won’t get you anywhere.
5:37 The god Jehovah does not talk to people. Those voices in Bush’s head who told him to run for office, invade Afghanistan and invade Iraq were not the god Jehovah, despite Bush’s protestations. To me they sound more like satanic voices namely symptoms of mental illnesses. See also I Timothy 6:16 and I John 4:12
6:16-22 Walking on water and some teleportation. When Jesus steps aboard, suddenly they are ashore 6.44 km (4 miles) away.
6:40 All it takes is faith in Jesus to receive eternal life.
6:53-56 Another idiotic broken promise/phony miracle. Jesus claims bread will literally turn into his flesh and wine will literally turn into his blood. Even to a child, absolutely nothing happens.
6:54-59 Getting into heaven requires ritual cannibalism.
8:7 on casting the first stone. Unfortunately, this popular story does not appear in the original Greek.
8:15 Jesus won’t judge you either.
8:32 The truth shall make you free.
8:41-45 Jesus says Jews who do not convert to Christianity are sons of the devil.
8:44 The verse Christians use to justify persecution of the Jews. Jesus complains that his listeners are so dense in getting his message that they are sons of the devil. Satan in the father of all lies.
10:9 All it takes is faith in Jesus to receive eternal life.
10:35 Scripture can never be changed.
11:26 And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Clearly this is false. Everyone dies, even if they are later magically resurrected leaving their bodies behind.
12:25 Love life? You die. Hate life? Live forever.
12:47 Jesus won’t judge you for thinking Christianity is a crock.
13:25 John lies with his head on Jesus’s breast.
13:34-35 The New commandment. How you can tell if someone is a Christian.
14:2 In my Father’s house there are many mansions. This suggests to me that early Christianity was a big tent religion, welcoming diversity.
14:6 I am the way. I am the Light. Christianity is the only path to God. All the other religions suck roadkill.
14:12 Jesus predicts his followers will do even greater miracles than he does.
14:16 Jesus claims exclusive hold on the keys to heaven.
16:23 Jesus, the ultimate Santa Claus, promises to give you anything you pray for, no exceptions.
18:10 Simon Peter whacks a servant with a sword, slices off his ear
20:23 In praise of gullibility
20:27 Doubting Thomas pokes his finger into Jesus’ wound.
Acts  
1:18 A dishonest man’s guts gush out onto the ground
2:44-45 Apostles establish and espouse communism.
4:32-35 The Communist phrase from each according to his ability, to each according to his need was lifted from this verse. It is amazing how the religious right imagines the bible condemns sharing as a sin. Perhaps they have never read it.
5:30 Jesus was hanged from a tree, not crucified.
8:34-40 teleportation
10:39 Jesus was hanged from a tree, not crucified.
12:21 King eaten by worms.
13:29 Jesus was hanged from a tree, not crucified.
15:25 Jesus drives a Honda.
16:3 Paul circumcises Timothy, though he told everyone else not to.
19:19 Massive burning of all books.
Romans  
1:26-32 Gay men and women worthy only of death. St. Paul’s prairie fire view of homosexuality. Saint Paul considered gay sex more pleasurable than straight sex and worried there would be a prairie fire as men abandoned women and the race would die out. So he wanted gay men to think of England and screw women, even if they found it distasteful. He worried unduly. Today we have a big overpopulation problem. But Paul still flogs gay men to make babies.
2:6-8 Faith without works won’t get you anywhere.
6:23 Eternal life is a free gift. No conditions.
1:1-2 No rebelling, not even against vicious dictators. God loves all governments.
13:9 love thy neighbour
I Corinthians  
6:9 No effeminate people in Heaven
6:18-20 No sex please, we’re Christians
7:12 Paul says he is speaking for himself, not god. he bible itself does not claim to be inerrant.
7:19 Genital mutilation is not important after all
11:3 Silent wives. Absolute obedience.
11:14 Long hair is sinful. Did someone tell Sampson?
11:17 Paul says he is speaking for himself, not god. The bible itself does not claim to be inerrant.
13:2 St. Paul’s greatest hit: Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
13:11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Childish things include Santa Claus, spirits, gods, monsters under the bed, boogie men…
14:7 Why toilets make noise
14:34-35 Women must keep silent in church
14:40 Let all things be done decently and in order. Apparently, Jehovah disapproves of multi-core CPUs (Central Processing Units), parallel processing and Java Threads.
15:15 Jesus warns sex partners not to fall asleep without withdrawing.
15:22 Hell is empty. Jesus is taking everyone to heaven.
II Corinthians  
4:4 Jesus was created in the image of the god Jehovah.
8:13-15 Paul is a communist.
For I mean not that other men be eased, and ye burdened:
But by an equality, that now at this time your abundance may be a supply for their want, that their abundance also may be a supply for your want: that there may be equality:
As it is written, He that had gathered much had nothing over; and he that had gathered little had no lack.
11:13-14 The devil has the ability to take on a pleasing shape. For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ. And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.
Galatians  
1:7 Even the early church worried about heresy.
4:16 Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth? This is a verse atheists could quote when attacked by Christians.
5:2 According to Paul, under no circumstances should you get circumcised.
6:7 Woe unto Monsanto. As ye sow, so shall ye reap!
Ephesians  
5:22-24 Silent wives. Absolute obedience.
6:3 Slavery is perfectly ok with the god Jehovah. His enthusiastic approval helped slavery linger for centuries after it should have naturally been outlawed.
6:5 The English standard version translates this as: Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ. Even though the KJV (King James Version) says servants, white slave owners used this verse to justify slavery.
Philippians  
4:8 Christianity admits to wishful thinking. Whatever sounds good must be good.
I Thessalonians  
2:14-15 Verse used to justify antisemitism. Blames Jesus’s death solely on the Jews.
4:17 The rapture. The good are levitated into the air.
5:2 For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night.
5:21 Prove all things: hold fast that which is good.. So evidence and proof are important after all. Blind faith is not sufficient, even for Christians.
II Thessalonians  
2:11-12 The god Jehovah forces people to believe lies, then condemns them for it. Is such a bastard as this, even if he did exist, worthy of worship?
2:15 One of the justifications Christians use for persecuting Jews.
3:10 he one who is unwilling to work shall not eat, the most favoured bible verse of all for Republicans. The problem is almost always sickness, disability or lack of a job not unwillingness to work. People unwilling to work for food are extremely rare. There are no animals that would rather starve than work, so it is bit silly to imagine that all the poor are that way. The poor usually work longer and harder than the wealthy for far less money. The problem is the rich exploiting them.
I Timothy  
1:6 For the love of money is the root of all evil.
2:11-12 Silent wives. Absolute obedience.
2:12 No female teachers. No female bosses. Women should not speak.
2:15 Women can atone for the sin of being born female by bearing children, believing Christian crap and not getting drunk.
3:2 Christian bishops must have exactly one wife. Take that you Catholic pedophiles.
6:16 No one, not even Moses, has ever seen Jehovah.
6:17-19 Don’t trust in riches.
6:20 Don’t trust science, trust faith instead.
II Timothy  
  to come
3:16 Claims the old testament was inspired by god, not written by. It says nothing of the new testament which was not yet written. The bible itself does not claim to be inerrant. If you write a book inspired by Lucy Maude Montgomery, it does not imply she had anything at all to do with writing your book or guaranteeing its accuracy.
Titus  
  to come
Philemon  
  to come
Hebrews  
10:25 For it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins. Now they tell me after the thousands of animal sacrifices Jehovah demanded. Oddly, human sacrifice, especially by Jesus is still considered effective. Christians are almost as backward as Aztecs.
10:25 You are not a Christian unless you attend church.
11:1 Faith is things hoped for, aka wishful thinking.
11:35 Woman tortured for rejecting Christianity.
13:16 Jehovah claims he was just kidding about wanting human and animal sacrifice. Doing good will do. This god has a multiple personality disorder.
James  
  to come
I Peter  
1:1 More concern about heresy.
2:24 Jesus was hanged from a tree, not crucified.
3:1 Silent wives. Absolute obedience.
II Peter  
2:18 Slaves, be obedient to your masters, especially if they are cruel. The bible is completely immoral when it comes to slavery and treatment of black people. And of course bigots used the bible for thousands of years to justify their sadism.
3:7 The god Jehovah will burn the entire earth to punish people for thinking Jesus was making it all up.
3:10 But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night
1:20-21 The old testament was written by men moved by god. The bible itself does not claim to be inerrant.
I John  
2:2 Your sins are all forgiven. Jesus’ suffering annihilate them, so go ahead and do what you want, you will have eternal life.
2:7-12 The new old commandment. It is important to love everyone. All sins are forgiven.
2:18 There are many antichrists.
2:22 Anyone who denies Jesus is the Christ is an antichrist.
4:12 No one, not even Moses, has ever seen Jehovah.
5:7-8 Only place in the bible the trinity is mentioned: Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost. What? no Jesus?
5:13 There is no need for works. Faith in Jesus is all you need for eternal life.
II John  
1:5 The new old commandment. It is important to love everyone no matter what.
III John  
1:4 Bible claims to love truth, quite an irony since it is mostly utter bullshit.
Jude  
  to come
Colossians  
3:18 Silent wives. Absolute obedience.
3:22 Slavery is perfectly acceptable to the morally degenerate god Jehovah. He admonishes slaves to do as they are told.
4:4 The god Jehovah is invisible. Every animal was created in his image. Therefore all animals are invisible?
Revelation  
6 The four horsemen of the apocalypse. The seven seals.
6:8 The god Jehovah has predecided he will in future be angry with humans, therefore he plans to kill off one quarter of the earth by sword, famine, plague and wild beasts. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them ordering an angel to burn up 1/3 of humanity.
6:13 Revelation predicts the stars will fall to the earth like figs. There are several problems with that.
  1. Stars are much bigger and hotter than the earth. Earth would be vaporised if even one got within millions of miles. Stars would not fall on the surface of the earth like figs or spent fireworks. Consider that metals are molten on Mercury at 57,936,384 km (36,000,000 miles) from the Sun (our local star).
  2. The nearest stars are all over 4 light years away. Even if something dragged them here at the speed of light, it would take them over 4 years to arrive. They would not simply fall. The earth’s gravity is infinitesimal at that distance.
  3. The author clearly has no understanding of astrophysics. He did not even understand that the sun is a star. Surely the creator of the universe would know that. Therefore the author of Revelation did not have his work proofread by the god Jehovah. He made it up on his own and lied, passing it off as the work of God.
7:3-4 The god Jehovah plans to kill everyone, including all the Christians leaving only 144,000 Jewish male virgins, roughly one in 46,500 people. Christians must never have read their bible. That god plans to betray them and kill them all mercilessly is all spelled out. He apparently loves the pedophiles above all others.
8:7 predicts a third part of trees burnt up, and all green grass burnt up. This echoes the ecological catastrophe of North Africa turning from forests to deserts in biblical times. This may be one of the wisest parts of the bible, based on factual observation.
8:9 Killing whales is murder. A third of the creatures that are in the sea which have souls died.
8:10-11 The god Jehovah has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them by poisoning the water to kill 1/3 of humanity.
9:3-6 The god Jehovah plans to kill everyone but the 144,000 with locusts that sting like scorpions. They will be denied the relief of death.
9:13 The god Jehovah has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them using plagues, fire, smoke and sulphur to kill 1/3 of humanity.
10:10 Book eating
11:1-2 Feeble justification for Christians or Jews to demolish the Muslim’s third holiest mosque al-Masjid al-Aqsa which has been in Jerusalem for 1309 years.
11:6 The god Jehovah has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them via witnesses delivering plagues.
11:15 The god Jehovah has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them with earthquakes.
11:18 The god Jehovah promises to destroy the Kristian antienvironmentalists like Buchanan and Robertson.
13:15-18 666, Mark of the beast, embedded ID tags for buying and selling.
14:3-4 Heaven is reserved for 144,000 male virgins. What does this say about the god Jehovah? Is he a pedophile too like his priests?
14:20 God’s angel will throw an estimated (by Steve Wells of Drunk With Blood) 24 trillion people into a giant winepress so that their blood overthrows it.
16:2-6 First angel’s vial contains biological war. Bioterror was not widespread until the 19th century, long after the Bible was written. Seven angels will pour seven bowls of God’s wrath, delivering plagues of painful sores, seas and rivers of blood, burns from solar flares, darkness and tongue-biting.
16:3 Second angel’s vial contains oceanic pollution. Oceanic pollution was not widespread until the 20th century, long after the Bible was written.
16:4 Third angel’s vial contains river pollution. River pollution was not widespread until the 19th century, long after the Bible was written.
16:8-9 Fourth angel’s vial contains nuclear war. Nuclear war was not invented until the 1946, long after the Bible was written.
16:10 Fifth angel’s vial contains nuclear winter. Thermonuclear winter was not invented until the 1960s, long after the Bible was written.
16:12 Sixth angel’s vial contains the destruction of the Euphrates river in Iraq.
16:17-21 Seventh angel’s vial contains a rain of bullets. Bullets were not invented until the 15th century, long after the Bible was written.
16:18-19 The god Jehovah has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them with earthquakes.
16:21 The god Jehovah has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them with hailstones.
17 The god Jehovah has predecided he will in future be angry with humans. He not is not only going to kill them, he is going to rekill them using plagues, fire, smoke and sulphur to kill 1/3 of humanity.
17:16 A whore is stripped, eaten and burned alive
19:17-18 Mankind as the last supper
20:14 Everyone, by default, thrown into the lake of fire.
22:15 The god Jehovah is just as ticked with creationists as with murderers.

Videos

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Mindprod Blog To Discuss Religion and Atheism
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Project Reason: biblical inconsistencies
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reader feedback on this essay
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The New Ten Commandments

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