A Guide For the Naïve Homosexual
page 24
How to Live With Another Woman

On the other hand some gays are so insanely jealous and suspicious that they drive their lovers away.

 Because there is no moral stigma attached to gay adultery, an unattached gay will very frequently try to seduce one partner of a gay marriage. He may do this just for sexual pleasure, to try to lure the seduced partner away into a permanent relationship with him, to split the couple with the ensuing jealous rage so that he will have a chance with the other partner that he — did not seduce. Or even just out of malice. It is inevitable that once in a while one partner or the other will yield to the seducer. Some partners are so jealous that when this happens, they insist that any love between them must have suddenly ceased and that the relationship must terminate. Repeated and frequent adultery may signify that something is wrong with the relationship, but an indiscretion every 3 months or so should be looked on as just one of the hazards of being gay.

I have talked to many married gay couples and I found that every couple that had been together for 7 years or more had provided some form of escape valve for wanderlust. One couple made Tuesday unaccounted for. Another couple indulged in an occasional threesome to spice up their sex lives. Another couple took separate holidays each year to different gay watering places and in every case the jealousy-fanning details of these side escapades were never discussed. I think straight people could learn from our attitude to adultery.

How to Live With Another Woman

This section was written by Beverley, a lesbian friend of mine who has living with her lover for quite some time.

  1. Love her. I know this sounds corny, but I can’t see going to all the effort of living with a person if you don’t genuinely care about that person. If there is not a real bond of shared interests and affection and if you can’t be yourself in her company, have an affair by all means, bat don’t try to establish a permanent relationship.
  2. Forget the past. In your effort to completely understand each other, you’ll probably exchange life stories. Don’t fall into the trap of brooding about her past relationships. Remember that the two of you are living in the present and do what you can to make the present and the future beautiful.
  3. Realize that you will have different ways of doing things. By the time you find the person you want to settle down with, both of you will probably have been keeping house for yourselves for some time. Your habits will differ alarmingly, no doubt. She may have a different method of washing the dishes, she may be used to reading in red until three in the morning, she may be unreasonably bugged by drawers left open, etc. Nowhere is compromise more necessary than in these little details. Tact helps too. There is always a right ray to say things and the right time to say them. Besides, you’ll probably find that many of her ways are more efficient or more fun than your own. Be flexible!
  4. Respect your relationship. Make it plain to friends and relatives that you live together — that you want to do things together. You don’t have to announce the fact that you are lesbians, but don’t act apologetic about it either. After all, your relationship surely means as much (probably more) to you than a conventional heterosexual marriage, but society isn’t going to respect your relationship unless you demand that respect. For example, if your unsympathetic relatives ask you to dinner, pointedly ignoring your lover, an equally pointed refusal is in order, unless you care more for their approval than for her feelings.
  5. Share your work and responsibility. You will probably both have a job or some other commitment outside the home. That’s good because then neither of you gets to be the drudge. Certain tasks still need to be performed, however, and it’s best if they are shared. Again, flexibility should prevail. We find ourselves adhering to a loose sort of planned allocation, but if either of us just plain doesn’t feel like doing something at a certain time the other will do it willingly. (this wouldn’t work without #1 of course.) it is important to get used to sharing responsibility as well as work. If you are used to being responsible for most things yourself you will probably have to make a conscious effort to let your partner have half of the responsibility. This applies particularly if you have previously been the wife in a heterosexual marriage, following the standard pattern of carrying all the responsibility while pretending to your husband that it was really his. I may as well point out right now that there is no room for pretence or manipulation in a gay marriage.)

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