A Guide For the Naïve Homosexual
page 23
Long Term Relationships

Long Term Relationships

Gay people don’t tend to settle down nearly as often as straight people do. One reason for this is that there is no female — the one who provides the pressure to settle down in heterosexual relationships. A straight guy may have to wait six months before he can start getting sex again should he break up with his girlfriend. A gay guy could get it the next night. Thus craving for physical sex is not really the bond it is in straight relationships.

Gay people do get married and even have ceremonies complete with rings. These marriages have nothing but love to hold them together as there is not the glue of children, dependency of the wife, or the legal hassle of a divorce present in heterosexual marriages. They do not last as long as straight marriages, but while they do they are beautiful relationships as neither partner can ever take the other for granted.

A married gay has to face the temptation of hundreds of sex-hungry boys something no straight married guy has the equivalent of facing. Since both partners usually have careers, a transfer to another city is a likely cause of break-up as a gay guy can not pack up his family with him as can a straight. You will find people who tell you there is no such thing as a lasting relationship. The reason these people think this is that they rarely see married gays at the clubs or bars. Just a straight people tend to cut down on socializing — especially in night clubs or bars — after they get married, so do gay couples. Gay girls withdraw to an even greater degree. The only gays you see are the ones who are out looking for a lover (or perhaps just for sex). The others are out mountain climbing, bowling, going to theatres, collecting stamps, tending the pet piranha and out doing the myriad of other things people do besides cruise.

It would, of course, be chauvinistic (male or female as the case may be) to blame the failure of gay marriages on external circumstances. The primary cause of such failures, for the straight as well as gay marriages, is immaturity. To expect a white knight in shining amour to come riding over the hill, carry you off to his castle and grant your ever wish (like some good fairy) leads to disaster. A gay marriage, like a straight one, requires constant effort — all the good wishes in the world will not help if you are not willing to do anything. A marriage is a relationship of mutual responsibility and complete trust — what kind of relationship could you have if you never knew if your spouse would be home when you got back? This is the essential point behind the marriage vows, that there must be this guarantee of permanence if any sort of loving relationship is to develop. Anyone who goes into such a relationship expecting that it will not affect his life in any fundamental way is simply fooling himself and cheating someone else. It is this central commitment to each ether that defines marriage, not any question of ceremony or social acceptance.

What are some of the forms of immaturity that work against lasting relationships? When a gay first comes out, though he may be 30 years old, he is still in the position of a 16 year old boy who has just discovered girls. He will fall in and out of love 7 times a month. He will he so promiscuous he will put a baboon to shame. This is expected and is quite natural so long as it is not prolonged forever. The new gay, especially if he is older, feels he should settle and thus sets up housekeeping with the first guy he meets. Chances are he leaped (before looking and the relationship is doomed to failure.

 However, same gays can never settle because as soon as they so settle, along comes someone else who is a little bit more attractive than the present partner and they drop the relationship in the hopes of starting up a new one with the fascinating newcomer. These people do not realize that no matter how wonderful your lover is, there will always be at least one person in the world who is better. If you ever wish to have a lasting relationship you eventually must decide, I know the grass is greener in the next pasture, but my own grass is green enough.

Because there is a surplus of eligible gays (among whom certainly must be Mr. Right), the immature person will be tempted to ditch his whole relationship at the first sign of trouble and start afresh with another. After years of hopping, instead of facing the problems op living with someone who is not 1000 compatible, he will have lost the ability to love and he will become disillusioned with the whole mad game. There are a million beautiful people out in the world, but that does not mean the relationship you have with just one of them is any less valuable.

The biggest problem that a pair of married gays face is jealousy. Some gays cannot get it through their heads that after they settle with a guy, they cannot go out and have sex with anyone that appeals to them as they could before they were married without upsetting their lovers. Jealousy is illogical, but it is a gut reaction. You cannot do nothing about your partner’s jealousy, just your own. You can’t expect all the rewards of a close relationship without having to give up some of your freedoms.

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