A Guide For the Naïve Homosexual
Living with a Woman
- Don’t expect miracles. You may think that living with a woman in
mutual love will be the answer to all your problems. If you enter a
relationship with this expectation, you are bound to be disappointed.
You will wake up one morning and realize that in spite of your wonderful
new life you are the same old person with the same old dreary hangups.
The best way of dealing with this is to acknowledge this possible
pitfall at the outset. Get to know each other and each other’s
problems as well as possible. Then when you feel the old insecurity or
whatever your problem may be) cropping up, your partner is equipped to
help you over a rough time and to realise at the same time that it is
nut her fault. You can do the same for her. This sort of growing
together may be more painful than a miracle, but it is
infinitely more rewarding too.
- Be honest with each other. I can’t overstress the importance of
this. The gay marriage offers unique opportunities for honesty because
unlike its heterosexual counterpart, it isn’t all hemmed in and
surrounded by rôle expectations. You and your lover are free to be
honest, to create your very own relationship, unlike any other. Just
think, you can be persons, not stereotypes. Of course, you can only do
this if each of you shares her real feelings with the other. Conversely,
if you fail to be honest, you will soon be harbouring needless tensions,
suspicions and resentments. No good relationship can exist on that
- Realize that society is against you. Unpleasant, but there it is. Your
marriage isn’t socially recognized. There are no marriage
counselors for gay people, no sympathetic clergy eager to help you
succeed in living with each other, very few understanding psychiatrists.
(most of them give lip service to the belief that it’s O.K. To be
gay, but scratch any psychiatrist and you’ll most likely find a
guy who thinks it’s infinitely preferable to be normal.)
you won’t be encouraged to attend social events with your gay
partner. You are probably already familiar with the sly digs and cracks
directed toward any woman not living with a man and while people
won’t openly accuse you of being homosexual, if you live with
another woman they will probably talk about you behind your back. You
may be lucky and find that your friends are free enough and confident
enough in themselves to accept your lesbianism, but don’t expect
this. You may feel obliged to hide your homosexuality for reasons such
as job security. In short, there is a lot of outside pressure that will
probably have some effect on year relationship. If our sick society gets
you down in this regard, the best thing to do is get involved with some
other gay people. There you will be accepted as a couple and
you’ll probably experience a wonderful sense of release. You might
even make some mutual friends.
- Enjoy your sexual freedom. You don’t really have to worry about
this aspect, but you probably will until you find out that it really
does look after itself. If you are considering living with another
woman, you have probably had some enjoyable sexual experiences with her.
No matter how shy and awkward you feel about your love-making, it
doesn’t matter if you really love each other. There are no
techniques and no rules, just wonderful things to discover about each
other. You will come to know. Your lover’s body more intimately
all the time and yet it will always seem a new delight. This is because
there can be such variety in sex play between lesbians and so much room
for variation in mood, sensation and type of desire. Again, you benefit
from lack of structure. As Roedy says, there need be no butch-femme type
casting, just total freedom in touch and response. You will find
yourself playing different rôle s at different times, in response to your
partner’s need. And at the same time, both of you will be aware
that these rôle s are temporarily assumed and can be varied at any time.
- Realize how lucky you are. Your relationship exists from day to day
because you want it to, nut because you are inextricably bound together
by society’s mores. You have found someone you love who loves you,
which makes you one of the luckiest people in the world.
What It Is Like To Have a Permanent Lover
If you are a guy and just skipped that last section, go back and read it
— it applies to you equally well; it is the most important thing you
will read in this entire booklet!
After all that talk about the work involved in lasting relationships, you
may wonder Is it worth it? I am married
(to a guy) myself and when you meet me, you will also meet my lover Ben,
whom I have known for a little over a year and I will tell you
There are obvious advantages to having a permanent lover. I
don’t have to go out searching for a partner every time a feel a
little horny. I am not afraid of growing old. Sex is much more satisfying
because after all this time we know exactly what the other likes and we
are uninhibited enough to try new things.