A Guide For the Naïve Homosexual
page 12


If you are being screwed, relax completely. Ask your partner to rub your back or any such thing that will relax you. If he has any trouble entering, try to open your sphincter by pretending you are taking a shit. If at you feel pain, quickly pretend you are taking a shit and ask him to immediately. If you suddenly seize up — which happens if you feel pain — it makes it even worse — so you have to force yourself to relax. If you expect pain, you seize up and you feel pain. If you expect excruciating pleasure, you relax and you feel excruciating pleasure. If you are not one of those rare people who can come from anal stimulation alone, then ask your partner to manipulate your penis, or manipulate it yourself if he is too busy looking after other things. As you become more and more excited, your sphincter will automatically relax and natural lubricants will start to flow. You will feel no pain no matter how wildly you or your partner thrash about and you will not hurt yourself either. The only time you can hurt yourself is at the start try to get his penis in too quickly. Some boys compare being screwed taking a shit; others say it is ecstasy. The sensation of being screwed by a guy has no equivalent in heterosexual sex.

This particular activity has such exaggerated importance that it is possible that you will he asked (as a general sort of question — on the level of where were you born?) which of the following categories you fall in:

  1. You will have nothing whatever to do with this bestial practice technically known as penetration per anum or in underground newspapers as Greek culture. (about 35% of the gay population is in this category.)
  2. You are an exclusive screwer (about 5% of the gay population is)
  3. You are an exclusive screwee (about 40% of the gay population is)
  4. You are both a screwer and a screwee though not usually simultaneously (about 40% of the gay population is)(If you know anything about Boolean logic or PL/I bit strings, then you might avow why I started numbering with 0. It is not meant as any form of disrespect id category 0 people.)

Never ask an exclusive screwee to screw and never ask an exclusive screwer to submit to being screwed as this is a very humiliating experience. Read Myra Breckinridge by Gore Vidal for a funny story of how a man who was humiliatingly screwed finally got his/her revenge.

What do category 0 people do (and others for variety) if they do not screw? They can perform 69 — mutual fellatio. This is not nearly as common as you might think from the B&B’s ubiquitously displayed 69 symbol. They might masturbate each other using their hands. They might masturbate each other intercrurally. They might masturbate by pressing their penes on the other’s stomach (with a lot of hip and rear end movement). Some people just want to sleep in each others arms without any masturbation of any kind.

As a general rule, try not to come too quickly as it takes a long time to build up that delicious tension. But then again don’t delay your orgasm so long that your partner goes home without ever watching you come. Do not ever manipulate yourself (unless he asks you to) as this is very insulting to him. If you can come more than once, by all means do so.

Try to come just before your partner does. If you succeed and if you are like most people, you will experience a quick drop in sex drive immediately after your orgasm, but remember that your partner will still be highly excited — even more so after just witnessing your big O. Do not leave him hanging: finish him off in some way or another.

If you do not succeed and your partner comes first, remember that he is going to calm down quite quickly. Restrain your ardour for a while — let get some sleep before pestering him again.

Now you have a confection of information there to digest (and get horny over) so that you will not feel completely at sea when it comes to physical sex.

I will now discuss three habits peculiar to gay people. The first (that to this day still grates on my nerve endings) is the way gay people frequently refer to one another as she instead of he. The second is the greeting kiss. When two old friends meet, they kiss like visiting Russian leaders or like maiden aunts at cousin Mildred’s wedding. This kiss is quite different from the sexual kiss described earlier.

The third habit is the way gay people touch one another. The club is very crowded and you are forever bumping into people. There is never any need for an apology as there would be in a straight place. People seem to enjoy bumping lightly into one another. People who you have never seen in your life come up to you and put their arms around your shoulders.

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