Sex without commitment or love, usually for one time only.
It takes patience to appreciate domestic bliss; volatile spirits prefer
~ George Santayana
(1863-12-16 1952-09-26 age:88)
This essay is about the advantages and disadvantages of casual
sex, not the morality of it. Since I am a homosexual male, I will talk primarily from
that point of view, though I suspect much of what I have to say would equally well
apply to heterosexual casual sex.
Present Day Advantages
Back in the 70s my housemate placed a
classified ad that read simply Dude into casual sex
555-5555. The phone did not stop ringing for a year, 24 hours a day. A gay
man can almost guarantee sex within several hours by going to a steambath.
For a long-term relationship, you must choose someone highly
compatible in all areas, in other words, someone a lot like yourself. For a one
night stand, you can include a much greater variety of people, including people
who are extremely sexually exciting that you might never dream of taking to meet
For a one time encounter, guys much handsomer than me are quite
willing to have a sensuous or sexual encounter. I would unlikely be able to
attract someone of such high social status for a permanent relationship.
The main way I meet people is via a classified ad that
offers a free hot oil massage. I describe myself and the sort of person I would
ideally like to meet. The ad filters out people who don’t like tall
53-year-old men (like me). I don’t have to personally deal with the
overwhelming rejection had I personally approached all the people who read my ad.
Sexual compatibility is much more complicated with gays than straights. You need
to know if your potential partner likes/demands/hates screwing, being screwed,
blowing, being blown, rimming, being rimmed, etc. Further, if screwing is
involved you need a close penis/anus size match.
Using a classified ad, I can also specify the sort of
person I prefer. Nearly all the people that call will meet the ideal I specify. I
don’t have to deal with personally rejecting anyone. People reading my ad
who don’t meet my criteria are implicitly rejected, but much more gently
than had I done it to their faces.
Experiencing a variety of people in a sexual context teaches you
a variety of sexual techniques and ways of being. This makes you a potentially
more interesting and responsive partner since you have learned a wider array of
possible choices of behaviour. In the heterosexual world, ex-prostitutes can make
great lovers simply because they fully understand the physical side of
Present Day Disadvantages
Ironically, the very
advantages of casual sex can also be the disadvantages.
Because of their short duration, casual sexual encounters
don’t have time to develop much depth. With every new encounter, you are
starting over at square one.
If you spend your energy looking for casual sex, there is little
time left over for developing a long term relationship. The rewards of investing
time in a long term relationship are not immediate. Even if you would prefer a
long term relationship, you may find yourself never taking effective action to
It is possible every once in a while to score a
perfect ten in a casual encounter. You find someone who is absolutely physically
perfect and sexually compatible. This causes you to become spoiled and to expect
such perfection for a long-term relationship. Even for casual encounters, your
expectations gradually rise to the point you can find yourself effectively
In the fast-paced world of casual sex, everyone has an ideal
type they are looking for. Having a type is a male imprinting thing, a monogamy
mechanism I suspect. Your type is strongly influenced by the physical
characteristics of whomever it was first turned you on. I know a guy whose type
was so narrow it even included that the guy must be wearing a certain
type of maroon shirt. Since you are starting from scratch every time you seek a
sexual encounter, you don’t know the types of the people you approach. Even
if you are very careful to wait for positive body language signals before
approaching, you will have to deal with rejection from most of the people that
appeal to you. This can be very depressing, particularly if someone rejects you
It is very common for older people to like younger ones, but
relatively rare for the reverse. As you age it therefore gets harder and harder
to find casual sex. Even if you like guys your own age, it gets harder. In the
world of casual sex, there are no sanctions against brutally rejecting the
advances of an older man. Even striking is common. Even if you don’t want
to, even if you think old people are utterly disgusting, you too will get old,
far sooner than you would ever imagine.
The go-no go decision is made in seconds depending completely
on your appearance. If your charms are less obvious, you won’t do well in
the casual sex game. To play successfully, you pretty well have to commit
yourself to three times a week at the gym minimum. When you are repeatedly
rejected based on your appearance, it is hard not to feel rejected as a human
I don’t know how many times this has happened to me. I
met a guy. We hit it off, had great conversations, fantastic sex, kissed and
hugged all night long, then the next time I ran into him, he pretended not to
know me. In a casual encounter, people will feign affection, or allow affection
to surface they know they could not sustain. That’s the way the game is
played. It allows temporarily some of the benefits of the intimacy of a long term
relationship without the entanglements.
Book referral for The Selfish Gene
Biologists thinking along the lines of The Selfish
Gene have discovered how nature selects for people who are basically
monogamous but fool around surreptiously a little on the side. There are Darwinian
advantages to adultery for both males and females. The advantages may not apply to
gay males, but since gays have the same basic brain wiring, philandering comes
naturally to homosexuals too.
|recommend book⇒The Selfish Gene
|Dr. Richard Dawkins
|Explanation of how individual genes compete for survival, giving rise to the great complexity you see in plants and animals. Layman’s guide to how genetics and evolution works. Dawkins looks at this process from the gene’s point of view. Successful genes spread throughout the pool of plant and animal carriers and can live millions of years. Read first chapter.
|Greyed out stores probably do not have the item in stock. Try looking for it with a bookfinder.
The advantage of philandering for the male is that for a minimal investment of
time and effort he can get other males to raise his children for him. The advantage
for the female is she can get temporary access to a prime male, one with superior
genes, giving some of her children an edge. She would not be able to attract such a
superior male as her permanent partner. She risks having her husband discover the
deception and him killing her baby and possibly her as well.
In the bonobo apes, sex is used primarily for social bonding and easing tensions.
Sex also serves this same function between men who have casual sex with other men.
Men who have sex with other men rarely come to blows with each other. Even if they
are married, the weak bonds formed through casual sexual encounters with other men
give them social access to higher status males they otherwise would have no contact
Up until very recently, if a homosexual person were discovered, he would be
killed. He could not very well openly set up housekeeping with a long-term partner.
He had to keep his encounters anonymous. To this day in gay circles, sex is far more
common than giving out even first names. Last names are rarely divulged.
In previous times there were no
cures for gonorrhea or syphilis. Latex condoms had not yet been invented. If you had
even a small amount of casual sex, almost guaranteed you would become infected.
Having casual sex was even more of a death sentence than having bareback (no-condom
anal sex) with an HIV-infected partner is today. No wonder it was presumed that God
Himself severely frowned on it.
The same argument against casual sex applies today, especially for
immune-compromised individuals. Besides the usual STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases),
there are parasites such as amoebas and pin worms easily passed via rimming and
non-STDs such as hepatitis and tuberculosis that are passed during intimate
Casual sexual encounters can lead to emotional entanglement which breaks up
existing long-term relationships. I can’t think of anything more painful than
going through the breakup of a long term relationship, especially the first one. I
was still pining 20 years after my lover left in
Seeking casual encounters outdoors is called cruising. It is more
subtle than the equivalent heterosexual game because the other males may be either:
Another man may even play all three rôle s for you simultaneously or none
at all. For heterosexuals, the rôle s of potential rival and object of desire
are clearly delineated by gender. The cruising game can be played for sensations, but
habitual cruisers play for power. It is a status game where you get points for youth,
beauty and attitude. Relative pecking order determines who has to approach whom, or
who blows whom second if at all.
- Your suitor.
- The object of your desire.
- Your rival.
Casual sex is great fun for the young. I feel sorry for today’s
condom-wrapped young who missed the great fun of the bare-backed orgies at Wreck
Beach in the 1970s. However, casual sex is a bit like
candy. It tastes great, but does not sustain you emotionally. I had thousands of
casual encounters in the 70s and early 80s, prior to the AIDS (Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome)
scare, yet I remember precious few of the details.
I have read all kinds of books on how to sustain a long-term relationship, yet
still have no idea how to get one started. I have been single now for five years. I
think I have succumbed to rising expectations. My lovers of the past were so handsome
and desirable, that I still feel I should somehow hook up with someone now
who is as physically attractive as they were.