A Guide For the Naïve Homosexual
page 25
Living with a Woman


  1. Don’t expect miracles. You may think that living with a woman in mutual love will be the answer to all your problems. If you enter a relationship with this expectation, you are bound to be disappointed. You will wake up one morning and realize that in spite of your wonderful new life you are the same old person with the same old dreary hangups. The best way of dealing with this is to acknowledge this possible pitfall at the outset. Get to know each other and each other’s problems as well as possible. Then when you feel the old insecurity or whatever your problem may be) cropping up, your partner is equipped to help you over a rough time and to realise at the same time that it is nut her fault. You can do the same for her. This sort of growing together may be more painful than a miracle, but it is infinitely more rewarding too.
  2. Be honest with each other. I can’t overstress the importance of this. The gay marriage offers unique opportunities for honesty because unlike its heterosexual counterpart, it isn’t all hemmed in and surrounded by rôle expectations. You and your lover are free to be honest, to create your very own relationship, unlike any other. Just think, you can be persons, not stereotypes. Of course, you can only do this if each of you shares her real feelings with the other. Conversely, if you fail to be honest, you will soon be harbouring needless tensions, suspicions and resentments. No good relationship can exist on that basis.
  3. Realize that society is against you. Unpleasant, but there it is. Your marriage isn’t socially recognized. There are no marriage counselors for gay people, no sympathetic clergy eager to help you succeed in living with each other, very few understanding psychiatrists. (most of them give lip service to the belief that it’s O.K. To be gay, but scratch any psychiatrist and you’ll most likely find a guy who thinks it’s infinitely preferable to be normal.) you won’t be encouraged to attend social events with your gay partner. You are probably already familiar with the sly digs and cracks directed toward any woman not living with a man and while people won’t openly accuse you of being homosexual, if you live with another woman they will probably talk about you behind your back. You may be lucky and find that your friends are free enough and confident enough in themselves to accept your lesbianism, but don’t expect this. You may feel obliged to hide your homosexuality for reasons such as job security. In short, there is a lot of outside pressure that will probably have some effect on year relationship. If our sick society gets you down in this regard, the best thing to do is get involved with some other gay people. There you will be accepted as a couple and you’ll probably experience a wonderful sense of release. You might even make some mutual friends.
  4. Enjoy your sexual freedom. You don’t really have to worry about this aspect, but you probably will until you find out that it really does look after itself. If you are considering living with another woman, you have probably had some enjoyable sexual experiences with her. No matter how shy and awkward you feel about your love-making, it doesn’t matter if you really love each other. There are no techniques and no rules, just wonderful things to discover about each other. You will come to know. Your lover’s body more intimately all the time and yet it will always seem a new delight. This is because there can be such variety in sex play between lesbians and so much room for variation in mood, sensation and type of desire. Again, you benefit from lack of structure. As Roedy says, there need be no butch-femme type casting, just total freedom in touch and response. You will find yourself playing different rôle s at different times, in response to your partner’s need. And at the same time, both of you will be aware that these rôle s are temporarily assumed and can be varied at any time.
  5. Realize how lucky you are. Your relationship exists from day to day because you want it to, nut because you are inextricably bound together by society’s mores. You have found someone you love who loves you, which makes you one of the luckiest people in the world.

What It Is Like To Have a Permanent Lover

If you are a guy and just skipped that last section, go back and read it — it applies to you equally well; it is the most important thing you will read in this entire booklet!

After all that talk about the work involved in lasting relationships, you may wonder Is it worth it? I am married (to a guy) myself and when you meet me, you will also meet my lover Ben, whom I have known for a little over a year and I will tell you unequivocally, Yes!

 There are obvious advantages to having a permanent lover. I don’t have to go out searching for a partner every time a feel a little horny. I am not afraid of growing old. Sex is much more satisfying because after all this time we know exactly what the other likes and we are uninhibited enough to try new things.


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