A Guide For the Naïve Homosexual
How to Live With Another Woman
On the other hand some gays are so insanely jealous and suspicious that
they drive their lovers away.
Because there is no moral stigma attached to gay adultery,
an unattached gay will very frequently try to seduce one partner of a gay
marriage. He may do this just for sexual pleasure, to try to lure the
seduced partner away into a permanent relationship with him, to split the
couple with the ensuing jealous rage so that he will have a chance with
the other partner that he — did not seduce. Or even just out of
malice. It is inevitable that once in a while one partner or the other
will yield to the seducer. Some partners are so jealous that when this
happens, they insist that any love between them must have suddenly ceased
and that the relationship must terminate. Repeated and frequent adultery
may signify that something is wrong with the relationship, but an
indiscretion every 3 months or so should be looked on as just one of the
hazards of being gay.
I have talked to many married gay couples and I found that every couple
that had been together for 7 years or more had provided some form of
escape valve for wanderlust. One couple made Tuesday unaccounted for.
Another couple indulged in an occasional threesome to spice up their sex
lives. Another couple took separate holidays each year to different gay
watering places and in every case the jealousy-fanning details of these
side escapades were never discussed. I think straight people could learn
from our attitude to adultery.
How to Live With Another Woman
This section was written by Beverley, a lesbian friend of mine who has
living with her lover for quite some time.
- Love her. I know this sounds corny, but I can’t see going to all
the effort of living with a person if you don’t genuinely care
about that person. If there is not a real bond of shared interests and
affection and if you can’t be yourself in her company, have an
affair by all means, bat don’t try to establish a permanent
- Forget the past. In your effort to completely understand each other,
you’ll probably exchange life stories. Don’t fall into the
trap of brooding about her past relationships. Remember that the two of
you are living in the present and do what you can to make the present
and the future beautiful.
- Realize that you will have different ways of doing things. By the time
you find the person you want to settle down with, both of you will
probably have been keeping house for yourselves for some time. Your
habits will differ alarmingly, no doubt. She may have a different method
of washing the dishes, she may be used to reading in red until three in
the morning, she may be unreasonably bugged by drawers left open, etc.
Nowhere is compromise more necessary than in these little details. Tact
helps too. There is always a right ray to say things and the right time
to say them. Besides, you’ll probably find that many of her ways
are more efficient or more fun than your own. Be flexible!
- Respect your relationship. Make it plain to friends and relatives that
you live together — that you want to do things together. You
don’t have to announce the fact that you are lesbians, but
don’t act apologetic about it either. After all, your relationship
surely means as much (probably more) to you than a conventional
heterosexual marriage, but society isn’t going to respect your
relationship unless you demand that respect. For example, if your
unsympathetic relatives ask you to dinner, pointedly ignoring your
lover, an equally pointed refusal is in order, unless you care more for
their approval than for her feelings.
- Share your work and responsibility. You will probably both have a job
or some other commitment outside the home. That’s good because
then neither of you gets to be the drudge. Certain tasks still need to
be performed, however, and it’s best if they are shared. Again,
flexibility should prevail. We find ourselves adhering to a loose sort
of planned allocation, but if either of us just plain doesn’t feel
like doing something at a certain time the other will do it willingly.
(this wouldn’t work without #1 of course.) it is important to get
used to sharing responsibility as well as work. If you are used to being
responsible for most things yourself you will probably have to make a
conscious effort to let your partner have half of the responsibility.
This applies particularly if you have previously been the wife in a
heterosexual marriage, following the standard pattern of carrying all
the responsibility while pretending to your husband that it was really
his. I may as well point out right now that there is no room for
pretence or manipulation in a gay marriage.)