dump : Gay & Black Glossary



To leave a relationship, especially suddenly, without notice. The classic case is form the dumpee to arrive home to find all the dumper’s possessions gone,(and perhaps the plants, pets, children, common property and some of the dumper’s property) with no note or forwarding address. Dumping implies the dumped partner wants to continue the relationship. Dumping usually entails the dumper apparently suddenly changing from loving to hateful toward the baffled dumpee. It is an immature way to break up a relationship. The dumper wants to avoid the uncomfortable feelings around a more gradual separation, so creates a crisis. The dumper often gives a tirade about how the dumpee is the worst human ever to walk the earth and should never again become involved in a relationship. Being dumped can be such a painful shock that the dumpee is prone to suicide.


Why are dumpers so cruel to the dumpee after previously being so loving?


What can you do to emotionally recover from being dumped?


If you are a gay dumpee, you won’t get much emotional support. You could have serious trouble finding a sympathetic ear. Some will poo poo your attachment and pain, advising just forget him. Many people won’t acknowledge you were ever even in a relationship. Others will use the occasion to push their religious notions that being gay is wicked and your pain is signal you should convert. You won’t see gay rôle models of how others dealt with the situation. So, you can easily feel all alone. Study how straight people handle the problem. Most of what you will learn applies to you.

The first time I was dumped, the pain was unbearable. I literally could not believe it was happening. I thought it must be some terrible dream. Even today, 43 years later, recalling it is still painful. My one and only later dumped another partner. She committed suicide and was brought back to life. We compared notes and discovered he had delivered an almost identical dump speech to both of us. It dawned on both of us, the fault was not entirely ours. My later breakups were more gradual. They were much easier to take and I remain on friendly terms with my ex’s.

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