A Guide For the Naïve Homosexual
page 7

Getting Dressed

It is Friday evening 7:30. Go into the bathroom and have a bath. Wash thoroughly; brush your teeth with MacLeans toothpaste; gargle some Lavoris mouthwash. Shave (unless you have a beard) using a Schick stainless steel blade. Do not use an electric razor. Lather again and shave again. It is quite important to shave so well that you can no longer feel the stubble even when you rub your hand against the grain. Be especially careful with your mouth area. There is a very good reason for this which I will explain later. Do not, however, slit your throat. Blood tends to turn gays off.

Do not put on any aftershave lotion or any scent of any kind — except underarm stuff. put on some clean socks and underwear (I will — as a special treat even let you choose the brand.)

If you have some white or off — white Levis, put them on. If you do not, put on some GWG super-slim blue jeans. If you have a Stanfield’s white turtleneck long-sleeved sweat shirt, put that on. If you do not, put on a clean sports shirt. Clothing is not all that important — the things to remember are that you will be active and it will be hot, so it is insane to wear a suit. Finally, put on a warm jacket — a ski jacket is best as there is a good chance you will have to walk or hitch-hike home at 3 or 4 in the morning and it is damn cold at that hour.

Drive off to the apartment where the gathering will be held that week usually at my friend Leonard’s place on West 12th.

When you walk in you will see a to 40 people sitting about drinking coffee or tea and eating cookies or carrot sticks. the people range in age from 17 to 65 with most about 23. Sometimes there are a few lesbians as I help them out in the same way. You will wonder if you came to the right apartment as none of these people seems to be gay. After all not a one if flicking his wrists, swishing his hips or even lisping. I will rush up to you and introduce you to the assembled multitudes with the fake name you gave me. You will be utterly bewildered and will not be able to remember a single name of anyone who was introduced to you. Typically you will go off in a corner and will try to blend into the woodwork. people will come and sit beside you and they will try to start a conversation. you will be so terrified that you will confuse friendliness with snoopiness and thus you will kill all conversations before they get off the ground.

At 11:00 P.M. I will disappear for a few moments to change. I will reappear in a violent yellow turtleneck tee shirt (no one else but me has little enough taste to wear one like it). This is the signal for the exodus to begin. There will be a lot of confused shouting as rides to one or more of Vancouver’s private social clubs (there are 7 of them) are arranged for all who need them. some of the people head off home after the social evening, but most charge off to the club.

Since it will be your first time, I will arrange for an old-timer (a person who went through this rigmarole about a month previous) to accompany you so that you won’t get lost or get cold feet at the last minute.


The B&B is a plain, old, square building which was probably a plumbers’ supply store at one time. it looks very innocent except for two things:

Now, as lady Macbeth would say but screw your courage to the sticking place and we’ll not fail. Walk up to the wicket. Behind the wicket will be a very handsome boy about 20 to 24 years old. Speak unto him saying, I would like to buy a membership. (you need not worry about looking straight if you are not a girl, a transvestite, a ridiculously young person (theoretically you must be 19, but this is not at all enforced), or a gang of kids down to look at the queers (a pejorative term we like to be called gays), he will let you in.) He will press a button on the wall; a buzzer will sound; the door will remain unlocked as long as the buzzer is sounding. As you open the door on your right, fear not the mural of classical nude females adorning same. Take a quick look around the room and then turn left and walk up to the counter and talk to the boy some more. He will give you a form, a red card with the 69 symbol on it and a yellow ticket stub with a number on it in red ink. Give him $2.50 and your jacket and if you are feeling generous, slip a quarter into the glass dish on the counter.

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