Link The Suffering
by Roedy Green ©1996-2009 Canadian Mind Products
Ken does his deepest
discussion of the Link the Suffering in Handbook to Higher Consciousness.
“I teach one thing, and one only: that is suffering, and the end of suffering.”
~ Gautama Buddha (born: 563 BC died: 483 BC at age: 80)
Living Love Workshop leader, Steve Henderson, considers link-the-suffering a fine surgical scalpel for removing
addictions quickly and painlessly. I am just beginning to learn how to use it.
The idea is, any time you feel emotional pain, you make sure you blame it on the addiction, not on the event.
So for example, let us say you asked somebody to dance, and he/she put his/her finger down his/her throat to simulate
vomiting. You might feel some hurt, anger or disgust.
Instead of telling yourself what an obnoxious boor this turkey is, or beating yourself up for being so repulsive as to
deserve such treatment, you put 100% of the blame squarely on the shoulders of your
addictive demand.
You tell yourself, "This would not hurt if I did not have an addictive demand that people decline my invitations
politely. All this pain is being caused by my addiction. I wish I could get rid of the addiction, then I could laugh off
events like this without any emotional injury. Other people can do it. Why must I be so ridiculously vulnerable? This
sort of thing is going to happen again and again. If I don’t reprogram this now, there will be a ton more
suffering from similar events in future. How long must I suffer before I give up this stupid addiction? It means nothing
about me that he/she pretended to vomit, just a lot about him/her. Why should I get
upset about his/her problem?"
You mentally list the advantages (payoffs) and disadvantages (ripoffs) to
continuing to hold onto the addiction. These are not the advantages/disadvantages of getting what you want, but the
advantages/disadvantages of making your self miserable when you don’t get it. Much of the time we are thinking
like a two year old "If I get upset enough, Daddy will relent and fix it."
Most of the time the payoffs are illusory. You think you will get them by holding onto your demand, but you don’t.
You only get them when you get your demand met, quite a different thing. Very often your addiction gets in the way of
getting what you want. Consider the example of a man horny out of his mind trying to get laid. He is so pushy he turns
off everyone he approaches. If he could make his approaches from a less desperate, more preferential frame of mind, he
would have much better success.
Typical Payoffs
- If I feel guilty, it will help stop me from repeating the foolish thing I did.
- If I feel frightened, it will help remind me to avoid getting into tense situations like this again in future.
- If I hold onto this demand firmly, it will help me get what I want, because I will work harder to get it. Unfortunately
addictions drastically drain your energy and give you tunnel vision, which hurt your chances of satisfying the addiction.
- If I suffer, I will enjoy it more when I finally do get what I want. For example, if I let myself feel really horny and
frustrated, sex will feel even better when I finally get it. If I starve myself before Christmas dinner, it will taste
even better. If I did not suffer there would be no contrast. Life would be tepid.
- If I hold onto this demand, I will give the matter its proper attention. If I dropped the demand, I might let this
situation slide.
- I get to be right and make the other person wrong. I get to feel superior. I’ll prove its unfair or untrue.
- I get attention, sympathy, approval or comfort.
- I avoid taking responsibility for what I do, say or feel. I can avoid looking at what is in my life. I don’t have
to experience what I am feeling.
- People will know that I’m (a good teacher, a responsible parent, a caring person, a skilled bricklayer, etc.).
- People won’t think I’m (egotistical, a coward, etc.).
- I have an excuse for poor performance e.g. I was so nervous, how they expect me to play the piano competently?
- I get to avoid confronting the addictions that would come up if I were not running this addiction.
- It feels safe and familiar to hold onto the old pattern and scary to let it go.
- It feels safe to keep a distance from other people (or a specific person).
- I get to play martyr.
- I get to play the victim role.
- I get to enjoy the fantasy. Even if I don’t get what I want, I get to fantasize about it.
- I get to share and feel close with other people who have the same addictions.
- I feel a sense of intensity.
- I get control over myself. I won’t do it again. I’ll be careful about what I do. If I demand not to eat, I
won’t.
- He/she/it will change. They won’t keep doing what they are doing.
- They’ll make it up to me because they’ll see how upset I am and they’ll feel sorry or guilty.
- If they see how upset and guilty I am, them will go easy on punishing me further.
- If they see me not eating or talking, they will ask me what the problem is, and I will then have permission to speak
freely.
- If they see me suicidally upset, everyone will brainstorm to solve my problem. Perhaps special resources will be brought
to bear, perhaps trained professionals.
- If they see how upset I am they won’t bug me so much to complete my normal tasks.
- If they see me uncharacteristically angery, they will rethink their position and realise they are being grossly unfair.
- If they see how frustrated I am, prehaps they will make my task easier. They will lower the bar.
- If they see how jealous/hurt/angry/etc. I am, they won’t do things that trigger my jealousy/hurt/anger/etc.
- If I show my disdain, to avoid it, they will shape up.
- If I show my boredom, perhaps someone will think of an interesting activity for me, or at least cut short this
uninteresting one.
- If a let people know how frustrated and horny I am, they might be more willing to approach me to have sex, or at least
not to rebuf my advances. They might just go along with me.
For each payoff, ask yourself:
- Does it apply?
- Do I actually get the payoff, or is the payoff illusory?
- If I actually get the payoff, is it worth it?
- Is this a payoff that used to work when I was a toddler, but which works no longer?
Usually you will you decide the payoffs are worth it, but sometimes you will decide they are not.
Typical Ripoffs
If you hang onto an addictive demand, sooner or later it will be triggered and you will experience separating emotions.
Here are some of the penalties you pay for holding on to that demand.
- The most important ripoff is the emotional torment you put yourself through when you don’t get what you want. It
is downright painful. You can still go for what you want without the addictive demand. Even when you do get what
you want, you still suffer, because you worry about losing it.
- The next most important ripoff is your negative emotions interfere with getting what you want. They make it harder
to get what you want, yet you foolishly cling to the addiction thinking it will somehow help you get what you want. Here
is an example from my life. A handsome guy made an appointment to come over to my place for a massage. He did not show
up. I was frustrated, disappointed and annoyed. If I addictively demand that he show up, when he next calls I may
addictively upbraid him and he will never show up. Even if I am polite, he will still feel the irritation in my
voice. That irritation and suspicion could spill over into conversations with other people, scaring them off too. If I
could be preferentially cool about it, he might come over yet.
- You are not as creative in finding ways to get what you want. Your mind is too clouded, too fixated.
- If you care too much, for example, about whales being slaughtered, or world hunger, you may play ostrich, and avoid
looking at the situation altogether to avoid the emotional pain. Without the addiction, you could stay involved in the
protests.
- Lost energy. Worry, frustration and anger wear you out.
- Other people won’t want to be around you.
- You will get a bad reputation.
- You won’t be very persuasive.
- Other people may hold you in contempt.
The theory is you must really wallow in the pain of the ripoffs to convince yourself to let go. I find this does not
work for me. I just hang on all the more tightly when I’m in intense pain.
Think of a James Bond movie. Whenever a villainous underling fails, the chief villain always severely punishes him,
hoping this will improve his performance. Does it work? No, it just rattles him. Why then do you persist in using this
same stupid tactic on yourself?
The Shortcut
The shortcut to link the suffering is to ask yourself this one simple question:
Is getting upset helping or hindering me from taking effective action?
Think hard about that question. You may think that getting upset will motivate you, where it could simply exhaust you or
distract you from doing something useful. Sometimes getting upset will help, e.g. to provide adrenalin to help you deal
with an attacker. Most of the time it just gets in the way, blinding you to the most effective course of action, or
alienating others who otherwise might help you. When others are grief stricken, it may be wise to put on a poker face
lest people be offended, but there is no need to wallow in grief with them.
Please email your feedback for publication, errors, omissions, broken/redirected link reports
