Roedy Green, Living Lover
by Roedy Green ©1996-2009 Canadian Mind Products
Vital Statistics
I am 54 years old, single, a Gay White Male, 6'2½" tall, 209 pounds, with brown
hair and blue eyes, HIV+. I write computer programs for a living. Click for a professional
bio or an extended classified ad for a life partner. I live in New
Victoria, BC Canada.
First Contact
I first met Ken Keyes in 1976 when he came to Vancouver to speak at a conference. I first saw
Ken beaming away, barrelling along in his electric wheelchair. I thought, "how odd that someone in a wheelchair
could be so happy". I talked with two of his people, David a handsome blond surfer, and Wade Laughter. David
impressed me because he was so incredibly handsome, and yet he still gave me a memorable long, loving hug right out in
public. He did not care if people might think he was gay. Wade impressed me with his honesty in talking about his
relationship with Debby Hamm. I was deeply suspicious that most spiritual teachers were feeding me BS. I wanted to be
like these three.
Workshops
I went to my first workshop in 1977 June in Berkeley. I continued to go once or twice a year
right up until Ken’s death in 1995. I held mini Living Love workshops in my home that
attracted up to 40 people. They were pretty wild and crazy where everyone laughed themselves silly, even though we dealt
with serious issues like being raped or infidelity. I was big on getting people to dress up as the various troublemakers
in their lives and re-enact the scenes. For example, I would put a nightgown on a man who was having trouble with his
wife and make him play the role of his wife. He would have to coach the other actors so they could reasonably
realistically reproduce the original traumatic incident.
A few years before he died, Ken asked me to be the head trainer in Oregon. I refused because I felt I was too depressed,
even though I had a thorough technical knowledge of the methods.
Addictions
The top ten addictions of my life were, in roughly descending order:
- Wanting my lover Jimmy, who dumped me, to return, or at least to acknowledge
my existence. [mostly handled]
- Fear of demonic possession. [handled]
- Not wanting to be gay. [handled]
- Wanting a well-hung black lover. (I did get this one satisfied.) [still
troublesome]
- Dealing with a pair of embezzlers I thought were my friends. [handled]
- Fear of needles. [handled]
- Fear of running out of money when I was too ill to work. [still troublesome]
- Wanting to be free of the nausea associated with AIDS. [mostly handled]
- Dealing with rejection from younger gay men. [still troublesome]
- Worry about ecological collapse. (extinctions, global warming, pollution, overpopulation) [still
troublesome]
The addiction that causes me the most trouble now is dealing with rejection from younger gay men. It may come as a
surprise that having AIDS and fear of dying were never that much of a problem. I dealt with accepting being gay long
before I even heard of Living Love. I did it simply by being around other people who accepted themselves.
I no longer post my daily addiction diary online. I had too many complaints from people embarrassed or angry that I had
addictions involving them. If you are seriously interested in learning about how you might do you own daily addiction
diary, I would consider sending you a copy on the understanding you don’t pass it around.
Outstanding Addictions
The top addictions that continue to give me grief are:
- Worry about having money to pay for the rent and food.
- Worry about ecological collapse. (extinctions, global warming, pollution, overpopulation)
- Wanting to do something very important that will leave a lasting legacy after I die.
- Wanting a long term relationship with a male partner.
- Dealing with rejection from younger gay men.
- Anger at Christians who try to take away civil rights from homosexuals.
- Embarrassment about excess fat on my tummy.
- Embarrassment about the HIV-related fungus infection of my toenails.
- Not wanting to grow old.
- Shame that I am losing my hair. This one is giving me much less trouble than it did earlier this year. I am giving
myself permission to be bald just like other 53 year olds.
Addictions are intertwined. I need to look healthy, trim and young to attract a lover. It is amusing to see the global (ecological
collapse) and the petty (toenails) side by side.
Strictly speaking these are not addictions, but addictive areas. I can pinpoint dozens of more specific demands
supporting each of the general demands I specified.
I want to find out if I should change life directions and stop doing computer work and work with people instead. This
workshop will be a test of whether I have the skill to do that.
I am very nostalgic. I want to see as many people from my past as possible. I hope this will give them an excuse to come
visit.
I hope to share the benefits of my 24 years of real-life experience with the methods. It would
be great to save someone some of the effort I went through getting rid of my addictions. Quite often the key is an
insight, a reframing, a novel way of viewing the problem. An addiction can disappear in a flash. It does not always have
to be hard work!
I will likely focus on my #1 outstanding addiction, dealing with rejection from younger gay men. Over the year preparing
for this workshop I have been able to see younger gay men not just as gods, but also as fallible humans in rubber boy
suits. I can sometimes laugh at them or even feel pity when they are supercilious taking vain pride in their youth,
something they achieved without effort and that will soon pass.
I am often plagued with a general malaise, just a wish I were dead. It is as though the game of life is not worth the
candle. I am just too tired to play. The ordinary activities of life (doing the dishes, brushing my teeth, laundry,
buying groceries…) seem overwhelmingly onerous. Perhaps I can break this down into a large number of specific
manageable addictive demands. At the root of them is extreme resentment at spending time on things without any potential
for grand significance.
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