dump : Gay & Black Glossary
To leave a relationship, especially suddenly, without notice. The classic case is for
the dumpee to arrive home to find all the dumper’s possessions gone, with no
note or forwarding address. Dumping implies the dumped partner wants to continue the
relationship. Dumping usually entails the dumper apparently suddenly changing from
loving to hateful toward the baffled dumpee. It is an immature way to break up a
relationship. The dumper wants to avoid the uncomfortable feelings around a more
gradual separation, so creates a crisis. The dumper often gives a tirade about how
the dumpee is the worst human ever to walk the earth. Being dumped can be such a
painful shock that the dumpee is prone to suicide. Why are dumpers so cruel to the
dumpee after previously being so loving?
What can you do to emotionally recover from being dumped?
- The dumper doesn’t want the dumpee to try to put the relationship back
together. They want the dumpee to give up and move on.
- The dumper wants the dumpee to hate them and hence become unattached.
- The dumper has long debated the case for leaving, and decided it is best to.
The dumper then cements that decision by convincing themselves their partner is a
- The dumper feels guilty about leaving. They need to vilify and then punish the
dumpee to justify leaving.
- The dumper is a person who strongly suppresses negative emotions and
resentments. Eventually they just explode. The outburst is so shocking to the
dumpee, because the dumper normally never complains about anything. It is a bit
like watching the pope suddenly bursting out into obscenities in the middle of his
If you are a gay dumpee, you won’t get much emotional support. You could
have serious trouble finding a sympathetic ear. Some will poo poo your attachment and
pain, advising just forget him. Many people won’t
acknowledge you were ever even in a relationship. Others will use the occasion to
push their religious notions that being gay is wicked, and your pain is signal you
should convert. You won’t see gay rôle models of how others dealt with
the situation. So, you can easily feel all alone. Study how straight people handle
the problem. Most of what you will learn applies to you.
- Use the living love
- Watch trashy day time TV: Jerry Springer, Divorce Court, Dr. Phil… You
will discover that being dumped is a normal part of the human condition, and what
happened to you is far from the worst that happened to others who were dumped. This
is especially important if you imagine it is impossible for your devoted angel of a
partner to turn overnight into a shrieking harpie.
- Think back. Realise there were signs the dumper was unhappy with the
relationship. You glossed them over.
- The dumper was not Mr./Ms. Right. Mr./Ms. Right could not possibly treat you
that way. It does not matter how attached you are to them, they are obviously not
all that attached to you. Nothing you can do can change that. Don’t waste
your time on a proven failed relationship. Get on with someone more compatible.
Even if you could patch your relationship back together, you would ever after be
walking on eggs. It would not be a solid relationship. You could never relax.
Sooner or later it would blow up again.
- The dumper’s criticism can be crippling. Keep in mind it tells you just
as much about them as about you. Don’t waste time wishing you had behaved
better in the relationship. It is too late now. You can’t change the past.
Simply resolve to behave better in your next relationship.
- No matter how it feels that the dumper must be your one and only, your soul
mate, etc. he/she clearly can’t possibly be. You made an error. They are not
nearly as special as you imagined. There are almost 7
billion people on the planet. You have not even seen, much less met most of them.
There are thousands of much more suitable partners out there.
- Just because the dumper said they can’t stand you, it by no means implies
everyone else on earth will feel the same way.
- In your relationship, your partner for most of the time was a delightful loving
companion. One day as vitriolic dumper does not negate all that. What you saw when
they dumped you was an exaggeration, the repressed frustrations boiling over. It is
not a balanced representation about how they feel about you, even if they continue
to rebuff all communication with you.
- The dumper’s critique of you is not an objective assessment. It is like a
volcano releasing pressure. Just because the dumper knows you very well, does not
mean the critism should be taken literally. This is especially true if they make
sweeping statements such as You are so horrible, you should
never get involved with anyone, ever again. You look good on the outside, but
inside… You are a trap.
The first time I was dumped, the pain was unbearable. I literally could not
believe it was happening. I thought it must be some terrible dream. Even today,
later, recalling it is still painful. My one and only
later dumped another partner. She committed suicide, and was brought back to life. We
compared notes and discovered he had delivered an almost identical dump speech to
both of us. It dawned on both of us, the fault was not entirely ours. My later
breakups were more gradual. They were much easier to take, and I remain on friendly
terms with my ex’s.