dump : Gay & Black Glossary
To leave a relationship, especially suddenly, without notice. The classic case is for the dumpee to arrive home
to find all the dumper’s possessions gone, with no note or forwarding address. Dumping implies the dumped
partner wants to continue the relationship. Dumping usually entails the dumper apparently suddenly changing from
loving to hateful toward the baffled dumpee. It is an immature way to break up a relationship. The dumper wants
to avoid the uncomfortable feelings around a more gradual separation, so creates a crisis. The dumper often gives
a tirade about how the dumpee is the worst human ever to walk the earth. Being dumped can be such a painful shock
that the dumpee is prone to suicide. Why are dumpers so cruel to the dumpee after previously being so loving?
What can you do to emotionally recover from being dumped?
- The dumper doesn’t want the dumpee to try to put the relationship back together. They want the dumpee
to give up and move on.
- The dumper wants the dumpee to hate them and hence become unattached.
- The dumper has long debated the case for leaving, and decided it is best to. The dumper then cements that
decision by convincing themselves their partner is a monster.
- The dumper feels guilty about leaving. They need to vilify and then punish the dumpee to justify
- The dumper is a person who strongly suppresses negative emotions and resentments. Eventually they just
explode. The outburst is so shocking to the dumpee, because the dumper normally never complains about anything.
It is a bit like watching the pope suddenly bursting out into obscenities in the middle of his Easter
If you are a gay dumpee, you won’t get much emotional support. You could have serious trouble finding a
sympathetic ear. Some will poo poo your attachment and pain, advising just forget him. Many people
won’t acknowledge you were ever even in a relationship. Others will use the occasion to push their
religious notions that being gay is wicked, and your pain is signal you should convert. You won’t see gay
rôle models of how others dealt with the situation. So, you can easily feel all alone. Study how straight people
handle the problem. Most of what you will learn applies to you.
- Use the living love techniques.
- Watch trashy day time TV: Jerry Springer, Divorce Court, Dr. Phil… You will discover that being
dumped is a normal part of the human condition, and what happened to you is far from the worst that happened
to others who were dumped. This is especially important if you imagine it is impossible for your devoted angel
of a partner to turn overnight into a shrieking harpie.
- Think back. Realise there were signs the dumper was unhappy with the relationship. You glossed them
- The dumper was not Mr./Ms. Right. Mr./Ms. Right could not possibly treat you that way. It does not matter
how attached you are to them, they are obviously not all that attached to you. Nothing you can do can change
that. Don’t waste your time on a proven failed relationship. Get on with someone more compatible. Even if
you could patch your relationship back together, you would ever after be walking on eggs. It would not be a
solid relationship. You could never relax. Sooner or later it would blow up again.
- The dumper’s criticism can be crippling. Keep in mind it tells you just as much about them as about
you. Don’t waste time wishing you had behaved better in the relationship. It is too late now. You
can’t change the past. Simply resolve to behave better in your next relationship.
- No matter how it feels that the dumper must be your one and only, your soul mate, etc. he/she clearly
can’t possibly be. You made an error. They are not nearly as special as you imagined. There are almost
7 billion people on the planet. You have not even seen, much less met most of
them. There are thousands of much more suitable partners out there.
- Just because the dumper said they can’t stand you, it by no means implies everyone else on earth will
feel the same way.
- In your relationship, your partner for most of the time was a delightful loving companion. One day as
vitriolic dumper does not negate all that. What you saw when they dumped you was an exaggeration, the repressed
frustrations boiling over. It is not a balanced representation about how they feel about you, even if they
continue to rebuff all communication with you.
- The dumper’s critique of you is not an objective assessment. It is like a volcano releasing pressure.
Just because the dumper knows you very well, does not mean the critism should be taken literally. This is
especially true if they make sweeping statements such as You are so horrible, you should never get
involved with anyone, ever again. You look good on the outside, but inside… You are a trap.
The first time I was dumped, the pain was unbearable. I literally could not believe it was happening. I
thought it must be some terrible dream. Even today, 39 years
later, recalling it is still
painful. My one and only later dumped another partner. She committed suicide, and was brought back
to life. We compared notes and discovered he had delivered an almost identical dump speech to both of us. It
dawned on both of us, the fault was not entirely ours. My later breakups were more gradual. They were much easier
to take, and I remain on friendly terms with my ex’s.