dump : Gay & Black Glossary

• The dumper doesn’t want the dumpee to try to put the relationship back together. They want the dumpee to give up and move on.
• The dumper wants the dumpee to hate them and hence become unattached.
• The dumper has long debated the case for leaving, and decided it is best to. The dumper then cements that decision by convincing themselves their partner is a monster.
• The dumper feels guilty about leaving. They need to vilify and then punish the dumpee to justify leaving.
• The dumper is a person who strongly suppresses negative emotions and resentments. Eventually they just explode. The outburst is so shocking to the dumpee, because the dumper normally never complains about anything. It is a bit like watching the pope suddenly bursting out into obscenities in the middle of his Easter address.

• Use the living love techniques.
• Watch trashy day time TV: Jerry Springer, Divorce Court, Dr. Phil… You will discover that being dumped is a normal part of the human condition, and what happened to you is far from the worst that happened to others who were dumped. This is especially important if you imagine it is impossible for your devoted angel of a partner to turn overnight into a shrieking harpie.
• Think back. Realise there were signs the dumper was unhappy with the relationship. You glossed them over.
• The dumper was not Mr./Ms. Right. Mr./Ms. Right could not possibly treat you that way. It does not matter how attached you are to them, they are obviously not all that attached to you. Nothing you can do can change that. Don’t waste your time on a proven failed relationship. Get on with someone more compatible. Even if you could patch your relationship back together, you would ever after be walking on eggs. It would not be a solid relationship. You could never relax. Sooner or later it would blow up again.
• The dumper’s criticism can be crippling. Keep in mind it tells you just as much about them as about you. Don’t waste time wishing you had behaved better in the relationship. It is too late now. You can’t change the past. Simply resolve to behave better in your next relationship.
• No matter how it feels that the dumper must be your one and only, your soul mate, etc. he/she clearly can’t possibly be. You made an error. They are not nearly as special as you imagined. There are almost 7 billion people on the planet. You have not even seen, much less met most of them. There are thousands of much more suitable partners out there.
• Just because the dumper said they can’t stand you, it by no means implies everyone else on earth will feel the same way.
• In your relationship, your partner for most of the time was a delightful loving companion. One day as vitriolic dumper does not negate all that. What you saw when they dumped you was an exaggeration, the repressed frustrations boiling over. It is not a balanced representation about how they feel about you, even if they continue to rebuff all communication with you.
• The dumper’s critique of you is not an objective assessment. It is like a volcano releasing pressure. Just because the dumper knows you very well, does not mean the critism should be taken literally. This is especially true if they make sweeping statements such as You are so horrible, you should never get involved with anyone, ever again. You look good on the outside, but inside… You are a trap.

The first time I was dumped, the pain was unbearable. I literally could not believe it was happening. I thought it must be some terrible dream. Even today, 38 years later, recalling it is still painful. My one and only later dumped another partner. She committed suicide, and was brought back to life. We compared notes and discovered he had delivered an almost identical dump speech to both of us. It dawned on both of us, the fault was not entirely ours. My later breakups were more gradual. They were much easier to take, and I remain on friendly terms with my ex’s.