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The Grinches Who Stole the White House


The following takeoff on the Night Before Christmas was composed by Al and Steve Krulick, with no apologies to Clement Clarke Moore..

The Grinches Who Stole the White House

'Twas two weeks before Christmas and all through the land
Most votes had been counted (though not all by hand!);
The election was over, with nary a winner,
For the margin of vict’ry just couldn’t be thinner.

All eyes were on Florida — breathing was bated —
While waiting for votes to be re-tabulated;
The courts were all clogged, the lawyers all suing,
The crowds all a-dither — some cheering, some booing.

The Bush folks were livid, sure their man had won,
While the Gore people barked, It ain’t done till it’s done!
A little more time, please; we’d really be glad,
If you’d count every dimple and each pregnant chad!

But George had his brother and Jeb had his gal,
(How 'bout Katherine Harris? — a heck of a pal!)
In case things got scary, they’d unleash their pet meany,
With his own electors. (Of course, I mean Feeney!)

But in Leon County, State Court reigned Supreme:
An edict went out, Let the count reconvene!
The canvassers scurried, the cameras went whirring,
While up in D.C., a great evil was stirring.

With a few hours gone and just two to go,
Five grinches a-feared what the recount might show.
With power unchecked, dripping partisan fervor:
The law is at risk! It’s our duty to serve her!

“We’re Rehnquist! O’Connor! We’re Tony Scalia!
We’re Kennedy! Thomas! We’re here to delay ya!
You’ll stop all this counting, by certiorari!
(We know how we got here… and Jim Baker’s scary!)

Plead briefly before us, 'til this is resolved,
(We can’t even say why we’re getting involved);
This case is so special, we’ll break with tradition,
(To hell with ‘states’ rights’ or the voters’ volition!)”

The sides went a-pleadin', the arguments flew,
About justice and freedom and the rights of the few;
But the five, they were heedless, their minds not obeyin'.
No! Precedent, law, nor the facts could not sway ’em.

Though Ginsburg and Souter and Stevens and Breyer
Appealed to their cohorts: Consider things higher…!
They stood fast in their evil and firm in their mission,
Court Jesters Supreme on the road to perdition.

The five grinches postured, by end of the day,
(While cloaking their crimes in a cynical way):
Your ‘standards’ are fuzzy, you’ll need to renew ’em!
Whoops, there goes the time! Guess you’ll never redo ’em!

And so the case ended, in ishes of gibber
That even the pundits could hardly configure;
The votes left uncounted abort the election —
The dubious outcome of… equal protection.

When Al Gore conceded (though most thought he’d won),
The saga was over, the nation… undone.
The White House was robbed by five grinches in black.
(And once it is taken, it’s hard to get back.)

With Christmas upon us, all revels and cheer,
It’s time to reflect on this dastardly year,
When breached were the walls of democracy’s fort.
And the will of the people? Bushwhacked by the Court!

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