joke : Java Glossary


A story that makes people of a certain culture laugh. Please add your jokes to to this collection of computer related jokes.


Here is the beginning of a collection of computer related jokes. Please email your submissions to email Roedy Green'.

The Jokes

I’m telling you, Jill, I’ve never been happier, Linda told her friend. I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous…handsome, sensitive, caring and considerate.

What in the world do you need the second one for? Jill asked.

Oh, Linda replied,the second one is straight.

Confucius say: War not about who right; war about who left.
This is more of a puzzle than a joke. I give you the Indian name of someone and you have to figure out the original English name. These are a bit like ultra-obscure crossword puzzle hints. If you get too frustrated, remember that Alexander the Great could solve this entire puzzle rapidly by thinking outside the box.
Indian Name English Name
Verdant Path, Friend of Black Musicians Roedy Green
Laughing Friend Buddha
Foxflower Zoroaster
Big Wet Earth Mahammud, peace be upon him.
Aerosmith Souix Chuang Tsu
Hung Low Souix Lao Tsu
Story Teller Without An Important Name Mark Twain
Gee! G<>D! Jesus
Ironman Krishna
Tribe Baffler Confucius
Lock Opener Ken Keyes
Horned Geek Wehrner Erhard
(She) Buffalo Sniffer Moses
Sad Burnt Skin Wotan
Queen Golightly Elizabeth Claire Prophet
Leaping Lizard Elizabeth Taylor
Ironmaker in a Manger Joseph Smith
Disappointed Father Sai Baba
Potted Grass Babylon
Cares Only About Himself Ibliss
Duck à l’ananas, Floppy-Trunk Elephant, Bob Dole
Conclusion Leaper, Stuttering Elephant George Walker Bush
Mosquito Caller, Mincing Elephant George Herbert Walker Bush
Departed Princess Gandhi
Gay Guys 'R Us Gaius
Son of Buffalo Sniffer Mozart
If you have ideas for more submission or improvements to these names, please pass them along. Please explain your derivation. These are a lot easier to make up than understand even when you have the answer.
Yahweh and Zeus were having a conversation over a flagon of wine. Zeus suggested going to Rigel 4 for a change of scenery. Yahweh was unenthusiastic. How about earth? suggested Zeus. No way! shouted Yahweh. The last time I was there I knocked up some virgin and they are still talking about it.
If you see a man holding an empty Starbucks coffee cup, drop a coin into it.
What do you call a performing Capuchin monkey that steals from the collection plate:
a Felonius Monk.

Variants: instead of a Capuchin monkey, a black-handed monkey or a red-handed monkey.

A pregnant whale swam into a bar. She asked the bartender,what will it be? The bartender said, How should know? I’m not an obstetrician!
Readers Digest heartwarming anecdote:

Mom served her famous apple crumbly. Dad said, What did you put in this, it tastes gritty. Mom said It must have been that Italian flour. Farina, Farina. On the washing machine gesticulated mom to her Italian lover. He replied non farina, cest cimenté. Mom had made her apple crumbly from grout for the bathroom tiles. She often astonished us with her choice of ingredients.

I can’t be wrong. I have an error-correcting modem.
A billionaire died and being such an important person, God greeted him personally. You did some good things and some not so good things; you are right on the edge. Tell you what. I’m going to let you choose if you want to live in heaven or hell. God spoke in an overly loud voice, as the hearing-impaired often do. The now former billionaire said, Is it ok if I check them out first? Sure said God, which do you want to visit first? Heaven he replied.

Heaven looked just like a Philadelphia cream cheese commercials with fluffy white clouds, angels with wings and heavenly host singing Hallelujah, God is Wonderful, God is Great, God is Stupendous, God is Supreme, God is Magnificent, God’s true name is Bernie, etc. etc.

Bill thought that might be a little boring. He asked to see hell. There were good looking people of every imaginable type, gender and sexual persuasion waterskiing, and partying, using 1000 gigahertz computers, having sex hanging from chandeliers, drinking Dom Perignon and smoking joints the size of cigars. He thought about it for a while and said, God, I think I belong in hell. Is that your final answer? asked God, laughing to himself at His contemporary wit. Yes said Bill. Whoosh off he went to hell.

However, this time hell looked like something out of a Hieronymous Bosch painting. People were getting enemas with molten lead. Fire and brimstone were everywhere. Little devil creatures poked people with pitchforks forcing them to eat feces. Bill cried out, Oh lord, What gives? A voice with a rumble like thunder replied, That was just the demo, sucker. followed by peals of rumbling laughter.

Q: Does EMACS (Extensible Macro System) have Buddha nature?

A: Sure, why not? It has everything else.

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his lists and says Ah; you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the dismal level of comfort in hell so he begins designing some improvements. He uses the fires of hell to generate electricity. He uses the electricity to manufacture things.

After a while they’ve got air conditioning and manufacturing plants. There he makes flush toilets and escalators. He wires hell with phones.

Needless to say the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer So how’s it going down there in hell?

Satan replies Hey things are going great! Couldn’t be better. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and there’s no telling what the engineer is going to come up with next.

God replies What? You’ve got an engineer? There’s been a mistake — he should never have gone down there; send him up here immediately.

Satan says No way. I like having an engineer on the staff and I’m keeping him.

God says Send him back up here or I’ll sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers “Yeah! Right! And just where are you going to get a lawyer?

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,

I’ll have the same, says the ostrich.

A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. That will be $6.40 please, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again and the man says, I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke, and the ostrich says, I’ll have the same.

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change. This becomes a routine, until late one evening the two enter again.

The usual? asks the waitress. No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad, says the man. Same for me, says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, That will be $12.62. Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?

Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just have to put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.

That’s brilliant, most people would wish for a million dollars, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live, said the waitress.

That’s right, whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.

The waitress asked, One other thing sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies with a slight frown, My second wish was for a chick with long legs.

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