Non Violent Communication
Book referral for Nonviolent Communication: a language of Compassion
||recommend book⇒Nonviolent Communication: a language of Compassion|
||Marshall B. Rosenberg
||1934-10-06 age: 79|
|Greyed out stores probably do not have the item in stock. Try looking for it with a bookfinder.|
Ken Keyes, the founder of Living Love, never mentioned the NVC (Non-Violent Communication) work of Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, but I’m sure had
he encountered it, he would have loved it, and would have incorporated it into the formal living love system. You can
think of NVC as an elaboration of the prescriptions for Happiness, as a
variant EIP process, or as an elaboration of positive intentions.
NVC In A Nutshell
According to Dr. Rosenberg, humans speak two languages, Jackal and Giraffe (the land animal with the biggest heart).
Jackal is mostly about blaming others for our pain. Jackal is mostly concerned with the past. Giraffe, on the other
hand rigidly confines itself to four topics:
When Giraffe speakers encounter Jackal speakers, Giraffes try to guess the feelings and needs behind the Jackal blame
and shame games. This is much easier said that done. Giraffes try to help Jackals focus on their own present feelings
- Observations of what is happening now. These are Sergeant Friday, just-the-facts-Ma’am descriptions,
without evaluating, moralising or blaming.
- What I am feeling, and what I guess you are feeling.
- What it is I think I need and what it is I think you need.
- Concise, specific, concrete, doable, clear requests of others to meet those needs. A five year old would likely
be able to tell if the request were granted. You can’t ask that X love you, but you can ask for a kiss or a
cherry pie. State them postively, what you want others to do, not want you want them to avoid doing.
What Rosenberg discovered, is when you get a group of people (mixed Giraffe and Jackal speakers) focussing on
their own feelings and needs, automatically they start to co-operate to help each other get those needs met —
even Rwandans who days earlier where slicing each other’s children to bits.
A skilled Giraffe can figure out what the feelings and needs are behind a vicious attack, and sees those needs and
feelings only, ignoring the attack itself. Giraffes don’t concern themselves with what Jackals think, just how
they are feeling and what they need. They constantly lead the Jackals away from their thoughts and judgements to
their feelings and needs.
The word should is short hand for "I want that person punished for doing that. I want
them to suffer." It is therefore a word not used in Giraffe.
People don’t make you angry, your attack thoughts about them do.
If you are not in touch with your needs and feelings, chances are you won’t be very skillful in getting your
Jackals make the error of blaming some other person, rather than going directly for getting their needs met.
The way you tell a request from a demand, is what you do if the other person does not fulfill it.
Jackals are usually completely unaware of their needs.
If someone is psychologically troubled, it does not help to dwell on the past or root about in the past to
discover the causes of the current malaise. It is better to focus on what current feelings and needs are and what
could be done to satisfy those needs.
Both praise and blame are attempts to manipulate. They will eventually backfire. Let your appreciations be
A good Giraffe spends a lot of time paraphrasing what others tell him to let those people know they have been
understood. It turns out this is what people need far more than having their problems fixed for them.
People attempting to be empathetic will typically make the following errors:
What is more likely to work is trying to glean the troubled person’s feelings and needs and echo them back to
them, until both you and the person you are talking to are clearly aware of them.
- advising: I think you should… How come you didn’t?
- one-upping: That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.
- educating: This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just…
- consoling: It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.
- story-telling: That reminds me of the time…
- shutting down: Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.
- sympathising: Oh, you poor thing…
- interrogating: When did this begin?
- explaining: I would have called, but…
- correcting: That’s not how it happened.