Sex witthout commitment or love, usually for one time only.
“It takes patience to appreciate domestic bliss; volatile spirits prefer
unhappiness.”
~ George Santayana
Introduction
This essay is about the advantages and disadvantages of casual sex, not the
morality of it. Since I am a homosexual male, I will talk primarily from that
point of view, though I suspect much of what I have to say would equally well
apply to heterosexual casual sex.
Present Day Advantages
- Ease: Back in the 70s my housemate placed a
classified ad that read simply "Dude into casual sex 555-5555". The
phone did not stop ringing for a year, 24 hours a day. A gay man can almost
guarantee sex within several hours by going to a steambath.
- Variety: For a long-term relationship, you
must choose someone highly compatible in all areas, in other words, someone a
lot like yourself. For a one night stand, you can include a much greater variety
of people, including people who are extremely sexually exciting that you might
never dream of taking to meet the family.
- cuties: For a one time encounter, guys much
handsomer than me are quite willing to have a sensuous or sexual encounter. I
would unlikely be able to attract someone of such high social status for a
permanent relationship.
- rejection filter: The main way I meet people
is via a classified ad that offers a free hot oil massage. I describe myself and
the sort of person I would ideally like to meet. The ad filters out people who
don’t like tall 53-year-old men (like me). I don’t have to personally deal with
the overwhelming rejection had I personally approached all the people who read
my ad. Sexual compatibility is much more complicated with gays than straights.
You need to know if your potential partner likes/demands/hates screwing, being
screwed, blowing, being blown, rimming, being rimmed, etc. Further, if screwing
is involved you need a close penis/anus size match.
- preference filter: Using a classified ad, I
can also specify the sort of person I prefer. Nearly all the people that call
will meet the ideal I specify. I don’t have to deal with personally rejecting
anyone. People reading my ad who don’t meet my criteria are implicitly rejected,
but much more gently than had I done it to their faces.
- learning: Experiencing a variety of people
in a sexual context teaches you a variety of sexual techniques and ways of being.
This makes you a potentially more interesting and responsive partner since you
have learned a wider array of possible choices of behaviour. In the heterosexual
world, ex-prostitutes can make great lovers simply because they fully understand
the physical side of lovemaking.
Present Day Disadvantages
Ironically, the very advantages of casual sex can also be the disadvantages.
- shallowness: Because of their short duration,
casual sexual encounters don’t have time to develop much depth. With every new
encounter, you are starting over at square one.
- energy: If you spend your energy looking for
casual sex, there is little time left over for developing a long term
relationship. The rewards of investing time in a long term relationship are not
immediate. Even if you would prefer a long term relationship, you may find
yourself never taking effective action to find one.
- rising expectations: It is possible every
once in a while to score a perfect ten in a casual encounter. You find someone
who is absolutely physically perfect and sexually compatible. This causes you to
become spoiled and to expect such perfection for a long-term relationship. Even
for casual encounters, your expectations gradually rise to the point you can
find yourself effectively celibate.
- rejection: In the fast-paced world of casual
sex, everyone has a ideal type they are looking for. Having a type is a male
imprinting thing, a monogamy mechanism I suspect. Your type is strongly
influenced by the physical characteristics of whomever it was first turned you
on. I know a guy whose type was so narrow it even included that the guy must
be wearing a certain type of maroon shirt. Since you are starting from scratch
every time you seek a sexual encounter, you don’t know the types of the people
you approach. Even if you are very careful to wait for positive body language
signals before approaching, you will have to deal with rejection from most of
the people that appeal to you. This can be very depressing, particularly if
someone rejects you rudely.
- aging: It is very common for older people to
like younger ones, but relatively rare for the reverse. As you age it therefore
gets harder and harder to find casual sex. Even if you like guys your own age,
it gets harder. In the world of casual sex, there are no sanctions against
brutally rejecting the advances of an older man. Even striking is common. Even
if you don’t want to, even if you think old people are utterly disgusting, you
too will get old, far sooner than you would ever imagine.
- appearance: The go-no go decision is made in
seconds depending completely on your appearance. If your charms are less obvious,
you won’t do well in the casual sex game. To play successfully, you pretty well
have to commit yourself to three times a week at the gym minimum. When you are
repeatedly rejected based on your appearance, it is hard not to feel rejected as
a human being.
- broken heart: I don’t know how many times
this has happened to me. I met a guy. We hit it off, had great conversations,
fantastic sex, kissed and hugged all night long, then the next time I ran into
him, he pretended not to know me. In a casual encounter, people will feign
affection, or allow affection to surface they know they could not sustain. That’s
the way the game is played. It allows temporarily some of the benefits of the
intimacy of a long term relationship without the entanglements.
Historical Advantages
 |
recommend book⇒The Selfish Gene |
| | paperback | hardcover |
|---|
| ISBN10: | 0-19-286092-5 | 0-19-929114-4 |
|---|
| ISBN13: | 978-0-19-286092-7 | 978-0-19-929114-4 |
|---|
| publisher: | Oxford University Press |
|---|
| published: | 1990-10-25 |
|---|
| by: | Richard Dawkins |
|---|
| Layman’s guide to how genetics and evolution works. Dawkins looks at this process from the gene’s point of view. Successful genes spread throughout the pool of plant and animal carriers, and can live millions of years. |
|
Biologists thinking along the lines of The Selfish Gene have
discovered how nature selects for people who are basically monogamous but fool
around surreptiously a little on the side. There are Darwinian advantages to
adultery for both males and females. The advantages may not apply to gay males,
but since gays have the same basic brain wiring, philandering comes naturally to
homosexuals too.
The advantage of philandering for the male is that for a minimal investment of
time and effort he can get other males to raise his children for him. The
advantage for the female is she can get temporary access to a prime male, one
with superior genes, giving some of her children an edge. She would not be able
to attract such a superior male as her permanent partner. She risks having her
husband discover the deception and him killing her baby and possibly her as well.
In the bonobo apes, sex is used primarily for social bonding and easing tensions.
Sex also serves this same function between men who have casual sex with other
men. Men who have sex with other men rarely come to blows with each other. Even
if they are married, the weak bonds formed through casual sexual encounters with
other men give them social access to higher status males they otherwise would
have no contact with.
Up until very recently, if a homosexual person were discovered, he would be
killed. He could not very well openly set up housekeeping with a long-term
partner. He had to keep his encounters anonymous. To this day in gay circles,
sex is far more common than giving out even first names. Last names are rarely
divulged.
Historical Disadvantages
In previous times there were no cures for gonorrhea or syphilis. Latex condoms
had not yet been invented. If you had even a small amount of casual sex, almost
guaranteed you would become infected. Having casual sex was even more of a death
sentence than having bareback (no-condom anal sex) with an HIV-infected partner
is today. No wonder it was presumed that God Himself severely frowned on it.
The same argument against casual sex applies today, especially for immune-compromised
individuals. Besides the usual Sexually Transmitted Diseases
(STDs), there are parasites such as amoebas and pin worms easily passed via
rimming, and non-STDs such as hepatitis and tuberculosis that are passed during
intimate contact.
Casual sexual encounters can lead to emotional entanglement which breaks up
existing long-term relationships. I can’t think of anything more painful than
going through the breakup of a long term relationship, especially the first one.
I was still pining 20 years after my lover left in 1975.
Cruising
Seeking casual encounters outdoors is called cruising. It is more subtle than
the equivalent heterosexual game because the other males may be either:
- Your suitor.
- The object of your desire.
- Your rival.
Another man may even play all three roles for you simultaneously or none at all.
For heterosexuals, the roles of potential rival and object of desire are clearly
delineated by gender. The cruising game can be played for sensations, but
habitual cruisers play for power. It is a status game where you get points for
youth, beauty and attitude. Relative pecking order determines who has to
approach whom, or who blows whom second if at all.
Summary
Casual sex is great fun for the young. I feel sorry for today’s condom-wrapped
young who missed the great fun of the bare-backed orgies at Wreck Beach in the
1970s. However, casual sex is a bit like candy. It tastes great, but does not
sustain you emotionally. I had thousands of casual encounters in the 70s and
early 80s, prior to the AIDS scare, yet I remember precious few of the details.
I have read all kinds of books on how to sustain a long-term relationship, yet
still have no idea how to get one started. I have been single now for five years.
I think I have succumbed to rising expectations. My lovers of the past were so
handsome and desirable, that I still feel I should somehow hook up with someone now
who is as physically attractive as they were.
by Roedy Green ©1997-2008 Canadian Mind Products
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